I am tired, I need help....

[How_To_Live_This_Life]

I am tired, i need some advice on how i can better live this life.

For the longest time, I've been trying to live a straight life. But I know i'm not straight, i get attracted to the same sex but I'm trying my best to fight it. Almost all my relationships were with a female, the only time i got to be with a guy was back in the university, never really lasted long. I was abused when i was a child which is probably why I hate being gay or bi or whatever i am called (i'm so lost that i cant even properly identify myself). I feel like life robbed me of the chance to live a normal life because of that abuse and so I resorted to trying to deny my true nature. But I am already getting consumed by the depression, by the loneliness, by not having a clear direction in life. I feel that my life is just wasting away. There's this big void in me that keeps getting bigger and bigger. I am so scared of what the future holds.

Please help me....

[Sophie_M]

Hi How.To.Live.This.Life,
 
Welcome to the Beyond Blue Community and thank you for your open and honest post. It sounds like this conflict within yourself around your sexual identity has been torturous to manage, and you are feeling like you are in a dark place because of it.
 
Do you have any supports such as a psychologist or a GP that you have been able to speak to about your feelings?
 
Is there anyone that you trust that you are able to open up to about this?
 
A good place to start, maybe speaking someone who has also had to have their own journey about their sexuality. We would recommend speaking to our friends at Qlife (https://qlife.org.au/), they are a peer support warmline for the LGBT community. They are available on 1800 184 527 from 3PM to Midnight everyday.
 
If you would like to talk to someone separately we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.
 
 

[Learn to Fly]

Hi How.To.Live.This.Life,

I am so sorry to hear about how you have been feeling. You are one of those gentle souls , sensitive and kind but hurt, possibly even broken in some ways by a horrendous experience that stays with a person to the end of her/his days. I am truly sorry to hear that.
Sophie has given you some wonderful advice. I would like to also ask, if you ever tried talking to your GP or any mental health specialist like a counsellor? It seems to me that one of the things you have been really struggling with is deciding on whether to be straight or gay and making peace with yourself. This constant struggle must be exhausting for you, I imagine. How would you feel about seeing a professional who could help you on this journey and support you along the way?

In the meantime please try to be patient with yourself and extend some kindness as you sound like you really need some. You are a beautiful person whether straight or gay or of any other choice. As long as you start to and believe in yourself, love and respect yourself, nobody can take this from you. It works like a protective barrier supporting your inner self.

Here to chat more.

[Learn to Fly]

Hi How.To.Live.This.Life,

I am back as I re-read my post and found I used completely incorrect wording in the sentence: "You are a beautiful person whether straight or gay or of any other choice." I apologise for using the word "choice". I meant well but didn't word it properly as our sexuality is not "a choice" that we make. We are born in this and not the other way and that's it. I just think that sometimes the society, customs, stigma, rules... - you name them - they confuse our minds and make it much harder to discover our true identities.

Let us know how you are going, if you feel up to it.