A confession from my life living with depression.
I am enjoying this. I am enjoying me. I am happy. I am larger than life. I am sparkling. My wit is razor sharp. My hilarity knows no bounds. I am open. I am affectionate. I am full of love. I am so full of joy that my skin is stretched tight. Perhaps you have noticed? I am super ME. The biggest brightest version there is of ME. I am a blazing star. I am shining so I bright you can barely look at me. I draw you to me. I love this version of me. Life does not get any better than this.
The crushing reality is... life does NOT get any better than this. I'm as good as I get. I am on a high. I am peaking. I am also a yo-yo. I swing from high to low. For me this joy is tainted with sadness as I know it is fleeting. So heartbreakingly fleeting. The only thing that follows this joyful feeling is a downward rush. I know I will free fall. There is no safety net. I have no parachute. The wind will slap at me and tear the joy from my heart and wrench tears from my eyes. I will burn out. My constant companion will make himself heard. He will not stay silent much longer. He waits patiently to pounce. He will try for his pound of flesh. He will want to fill the emptiness with darkness. He is already rubbing his hands together. We will battle. We are familiar. We fight the same fight over and over and over again, slashing and hacking and punching and clawing and screaming until one of us collapses in exhaustion and defeat. Neither knows who will win. I win more than I lose. I am hardened. I have perfected my moves. I dodge and duck and weave. I keep my guard up. I clutch my shield. I surprise him with my resilience. I am no longer predictable. I refuse to be any easy mark. I will not surrender without a fight.
I don't let him see me tremble. I try to be brave. But he sees me. He knows me. He is me. We have been each other forever. He twists my dreams. He laughs loud and long. I hate him. Maybe. Maybe I hate him.
So for today, I am enjoying this - my freedom and my joy. I am enjoying being so high I am dizzy and spinning and giddy.
