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Husband doesn’t understand

Maters
Community Member

I’m going through a very low patch and I feel like I’m not only looking after myself but also my husband. I tend to go quiet and withdraw, and he takes it personally and I end up trying to make him feel better. I can barely keep myself going and it’s exhausting trying to help him too.

8 Replies 8

On The Road
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Maters,

I'm sorry that you are struggling at the moment, and your husband seems not to understand your situation and your feelings well, which obviously does no good to your mental health. If you are feeling too overwhelmed to deal with, please call BeyondBlue Support Service on 1300 22 4636.

It's completely ok to go quiet and withdraw when you're feeling low, I do exactly the same, I feel tired that I had to talk, and socialise even just for 5 minutes in my bad times. You are not obligated to make others feel good when you are not feeling good. Put self-care in the first place.

He's your husband, ideally, he can be an understanding, supportive role accompanying you when you're struggling. There can be some communication issues within, may I ask if you two communicate with each other well generally. Is it possible that you can have a short and genuine talk with him, that you need more time for yourself? 🙂

Take care and please feel free to share more if you're comfortable

blondguy
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Maters

Welcome to the forum family and good on you for having the strength to post too!

I understand your pain as I used to try so hard to look after my girlfriend I was ignoring my own health and my own anxiety increased. From what you have posted I am sorry that your husband takes your quietness personally....You are making a sound effort to maintain some peace in the relationship

Just as per my own lived experience...your health is paramount even in a marriage/relationship. There is only so much you can do before your own health is impacted

Can I ask how the quality of your sleep is? Or how exhausted you are?

The forums are a safe and non judgmental place for you (and all members) to post. There are many gentle folk on the forums that can be here for you Maters..

you are not alone here

my kind thoughts

Paul

We communicate quite well, but he has never really understood mental health issues, so he doesn’t get it when I say I don’t know why I feel like this.

Its compounded by the fact that 6 months ago I started a new job where I have to work away from home (4 days away, then come home for 3 days), so we don’t spend as much time together.

I’m unwell and can’t look after myself, so I don’t know how I can look after him too.

Maters
Community Member

In answer to your question I am

constantly exhausted.

Sophie_M
Moderator
Moderator
Dear Maters,

We are grateful you found the internal strength to post about your struggles on our forums. As you are already experiencing, we are a very supportive community.

We understand that you are feeling unsupported by your husband, and in fact, feel the need to support him, whilst struggling with your own depression.

We would like to encourage you to talk to your GP about these struggles and check into getting a mental health plan so you can find some mental health support.

We would also like to encourage you to call BeyondBlue on 1300 22 4636 to talk with one of the professional mental health specialists who can help talk with you about immediate issues. You might also consider calling Lifeline on 13 1114.

Again, welcome to our supportive community.

Warm regards,

Sophie M.
 

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Maters, sometimes we don't know where to begin when our partner/spouse is not feeling well for a lengthy period and then try and explain that it could be MI affecting them, and even mentioning this may not be suitable because it could damage your relationship, so this needs to be taken slowly.

By working away 4 days is going to make you worry about how your husband is going and will influence your own well being, and when you do talk with him it may concern you even more.

If you are unwell yourself then you can't also look after your husband, that's not your fault and you shouldn't blame yourself, because what he's suffering from may not be how you are feeling, so you first need to get the assistance you need to get better before you can address your husband and needs to be encouraged to see his doctor.

On your days off, if you could organise appointments with a psychologist would be helpful, because it will give you a chance to think about what has been said while you are back working.

Best of luck and please get back to us.

Geoff.

Hey Maters
you mentioned you are unwell....Is lack of sleep or anxiety having an impact on your health? I used to have chronic anxiety whilst working in corporate with a partner that didnt understand my mental health as well

Seeing our GP on a regular basis can work wonders for our well being

any questions are always welcome...please be gentle to yourself....

my kindest

Paul

On The Road
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Maters,

I'm sorry to hear that the work has limited your time with your husband. I can see you still manage to work meanwhile taking care of yourself, it must be tough for you to bear it all without much support. I agree with Sophie that you may want to talk to your GP to find mental health support. At the moment your health is the priority.

On the other hand, it's kinda reassuring to hear that you and your husband can generally communicate quite well, which gives chance for you two to work on understanding mental health issues. I reckon you can offer him some relevant information to read; find a third person who understands this situation that you both trust to talk to him when you feel too much to talk.

From my own perspective, It is really hard for one person to fully understand another person, people see things thru their own lens, but love can be powerful. Your husband may need more time to learn, understand; or to accept if he couldn't understand you very well.