how to move forward?

[Pelayn]

Hi

Over the last three months i have been doing therapy for the first time for depression. Its been a roller coaster of emotions. My husband has been a great support.

I hit bottom, couldn't go to work and thought id lost my best friend cos of the way I treated her. After her yelling at me down the phone we reconciled.

I've been doing much better the past few days but i still feel like I'm relying on others too much. I get disappointed when friends don't return messages or doesn't initiate contact with me. I am lonely when I'm by myself. I also get jealous when my best friend does things with her other friends. I really really can't go through a repeat of last month.

I want to be happy with my own company and not feel like I'm waiting for people to make contact all the time.

Can anyone share and experiences? ?

[Pelayn]

So it's a day for insights today! My friend said to me one day "this just isn't you". When i said this to my therapist she said it actually is the real me but most people don't get to see it, only people who become close enough to see it.

I'm actually now comfortable with this. the people who really care will stick around and help me improve myself. Not sure my friend will but time will tell.

[White_Rose]

Hello Julie

I think most of us have some expectation of what we would like to hear on various occasions. There is a world of difference between what we talk about in our minds plus the conclusions we draw, and the responses we get from just about anyone. At times I have been so certain that the conclusion I have come to is so logical and the only possible option that when someone disagrees or offers another solution I have been shocked, (and often speechless, but only for a short time). 😊

I am inclined to agree with your therapist about the real you. I have spent a long time agreeing with others and nervous about expressing my opinion. When I left my husband and moved a long way away I found a whole new group of friends. They allowed me to have my, genuine, say and did not penalise me. At first I used to think they had misheard me but no, they listened as respectfully to me as to other people. Didn't always agree of course and I learned not to run away in my mind because someone had disagreed. Took a while.

Being comfortable with yourself is really great. To be able to both speak and listen is such a joy. Within the bounds of courtesy just about anything goes and I love it. I joined a book club some years ago. Still attending. One person commented she liked listening to my comments because I often looked at things from a very different point of view. As you can see, I have never forgotten this. It has been my shield on the occasions when my opinions have been rubbished. I am right about as often as anyone else and it's OK.

What occurred to me when I read your post was the difference I have found between thinking about something and inventing an imaginary conversation, and writing down my thoughts. Now there's an eye-opener. Simply seeing the thought written down seems to change the meaning. It's as if I am reading it in the way someone else would read it. Not good or bad, just reading. I have come to the conclusion that when I simply think about a topic I am influenced by my feelings far more than when I write.

For one thing it takes longer to write and to find the correct word. Gives me a second or two to think as I scribe and my feelings are not so involved. Even when I am feeling quite strongly I find more sense of clarity. If I am really upset I need to write a lot and sometimes I write and walk away. Come back later and laugh at myself for writing all that drivel. I find it an enormous help.

Mary

[Pelayn]

I agree Mary - writing is a huge help! I write thoughs and feelings and write about events to get clarity. I don't always re-read. It helps me to look at things more objectively and also to release feelings. I sometimes think I'll have to take my books to the grave with me or have a ceremonial book burning. Lol. 😊

I too have lived my life not saying much due to the response i used to get in high school when contributing. I have been working for the same organization for 8 years now and it's the first time i have ever felt like people care what i have to say. Like your book club. I have thrived on this. I still revert back in social situations sometimes.

Have a great week.

Julie

[Doolhof]

Hi Ladies and Everyone else reading this,

I have enjoyed reading snippets of your conversation. It is very interesting when you consider the actual words that are spoken and how you really feel about something.

Due to my husbands own way of looking at life, he likes me to agree with everything he says and sometimes becomes very verbally upset if I don't.

A classic example, we go to a bakery and I prefer to buy a pie rather than a pasty. He will tell me I need to buy a pasty as this bakery has the best pasties. As he has said this is the case, then I should not object and buy a pie. He then tells me that I don't agree with him on anything.

Maybe it is a control thing with him as well.

I also find that when I am talking to him, he will just walk away and not answer if I ask a question. It is like I am not able to have my own opinion on issues.

I have found it much easier to just agree and keep my own thoughts and opinions to myself most times. I know whom I can share them with and those who are only interested in their own ideas and beliefs.

Writing things down can be so very therapeutic. I don't generally read back over what I have written. Sometimes I will write a letter to a person, only to then delete it or rip it up and write another once I have let go of all my frustration and anger.

It is also beneficial to occasionally count to ten or a hundred then make a comment.

Recently I received an email that really upset me. I let it sit for a couple of days before I phoned the person for a chat to find out what was going on. My first reaction had been one of anger and annoyance. If I had replied straight away, the friendship would be in a totally different place than it is now.

All the best for a day or clear conversations and communications! From Mrs. Dools

[White_Rose]

Hello Ladies

It's so lovely to write to you and read your replies. These are the activities that keep us sane I believe, talking to someone who knows where we are at, or where we have been.

Writing stuff down is great and I have often put the writing away somewhere, "for safe keeping" When I find it again and reread it, it is with very mixed feelings. I cannot bring myself to throw away, delete or burn anything of this nature. I'm not sure if I am clinging to my hurts or not. I know some of the stuff is still painful and I wonder if this is because I have unearthed it again or if it always hurt but I have buried it. Either way I expect I need to do something positive about it.

Some of the writing makes me laugh at my own intensity at the time and wonder why I felt so passionate about it. Some of it is bitter-sweet and I lay it down with a sigh but without the hurt or anger. It would be great to do that with all my writing.

Mrs Dools, your husband sounds a bit like mine. He did listen when I spoke but only so that he could point out my errors. And like you, I learned to keep my opinions to myself, which spilled over to my friends. When I finally left I wonder I had the ability to say Boo. Yet here I am to show the world that you can't keep a good woman down.

Emails are very dangerous things for me. In the past I just flew off the handle and sent horrible replies. Now I wait for a couple of days before sending the horrible reply. No, not really I wait and send a more tempered response. It's good because then I don't have to send and apology.

Well, my book club is meeting at my home this evening. We are reading Travels With My Aunt by Graham Greene. I can recommend it.

Mary

[White_Rose]

Hello Julie

Checking in with you as you have not written in for a few days. Most unlike you. Have you seen your psych since you last wrote in here? Looking forward to chatting more with you. Here to walk with you if you need me.

Mary

[Pelayn]

Hi ladies.

Sorry its been a tough week but i have handled it so much better than in the past - i think im growing.

Thank you Mary for your lovely message. 🌹

I have arranged to have a month off work to spend more time with the kids and cook and exercise and generally be healthy and establish some healthy routines.

Not meeting with my therapist for another 2 weeks Mary.

Also im not sure how much I've mentioned but my closet friend has said she needs to take a step back for herself and put herself first so we are no longer in contact. So this has been rolling around in my head the past 2 days.

I am not going to blame myself for this. My friend and i discussed this a month ago and layed it all out on the table and said we would be honest with each other. But alas she started pulling back which triggered my schema. When i asked if she was avoiding me she said she needed to put herself first.

I am ok with this as i did all the anger and grieving last time. Im still sad and disappointed i reached out to the wrong person. I mentioned to my therapist after this happened i was unsure about the friendship now.

Its had to know when behaviors are real or when the schema is trying to manipulate things to fit the schema.

I saw the signs but didn't want to believe it. Not 1 visit or phone call during the 4 months i was having therapy which is when everything changed for me. That didn't seem right to me from my closet friend.

Anyway i have a week full of seeing people planned, some of which know about my depression and some that don't.

Take care ladies and have a lovely weekend. 🌼

[White_Rose]

Hello Julie

A month off? That sounds terrific. And lovely to have the time with your children doing the things you enjoy. If you are cooking anything really scrumptious please send a plate my way.

You did talk about your friend and I am sorry the agreement has not worked out. Friends can hurt us at times. Grief is such a hard thing to manage plus the feeling of abandonment, which is one of my schemas. I also have difficulty at times working out what is real and what is not.

A week of visiting sounds nice. I try to not talk about my difficulties as those who don't know about it are more comfortable that way. I think you need to pick and choose who you disclose to. I have found this out the hard way.

Just a short post today.

Mary

[Pelayn]

Wanted to share this:​

Everything got on top of me this afternoon and i spent it in bed. My husband told the kids i was sad again.

My 5 year old asked if i wanted to come out for a snuggle and cuddle on the couch with her. How could i refuse. So precious.

🌹

[Pelayn]

Hi.

Sorry this post is me sharing some feelings today.

The first day of my leave and i am going to struggle to get off the couch. I was so looking forward to getting things done today.

My daughter is home sick and she wants to play and i keep putting her off.

My husbands mood is flat as well (he has a history of depression but never treated but now on anxiety meds) so we're both struggling.

Also my husband works in the same office as my friend (just coincidence) and he will probably see her today. I'm now experiencing anger towards her.

I don't share any of my feelings with anyone other than my now ex close friend and husband, work friend from time to time (who has been through similar) and now BB. I've never been very comfortable talking about my feelings outside of my husband.

I don't feel like seeing anyone this week now. This always happens. 2 people im planning to see are from my mother's group which is how i met my close friend.

I just want someone to give me a big hug and say its going to be ok. Mother's are supposed to do this right?? I certainly lucked out in that department. My therapist says i need to be a mother to myself. Still haven't worked that one out yet.

Sorry guys. Had to get that out.

Enjoy your week.