How to maintain friendships with depression? and other stuff

[Noodle17]

Hi there! This is the first time I have reached out to a group like this before. I'm not sure what I am looking to achieve, I guess just to talk.

I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression at 13 (I'm 36 soon) I'm an only child and have always been independant. Sometimes my depression is under control, other times it overwhelmes me to the point where I can't sleep, can't focus, I can't feel joy or even taste properly (does anyone else get this?) only sadness, emptiness, the feeling of not belonging.

To most I am a confident woman. The reality is very different. Ive just learned to cover it up and when it gets really bad, I close the door and hide until the 2nd personality releases me.

I have always had problems maintaining friendships, I find it easy to talk to people, but hard to connect emotionally with people long term. People begin to see me as uncaring and alouf. I've been the focus of gossip and spiteful was from female friends all my life. Perhaps because I don't have normal emotions and don't react the same way as they do. My forced confidence is mistaken for uncaring. Does anyone else feel like this?

At the moment Its like my feelings of worthlessness and emptiness are so obvious to people that I would rather not see anyone. It's like I know I'll be found out if they look in to my eyes long enough, through my fake smile and air kisses. They will see me for who I really am.

I am paranoid and desperately sad at the moment. I feel like I'm just a blip, worthless and pathetic. This long weekend I have spent on my own, Im finding it very hard being around people because I feel like a fraud, pretending to be normal. I'm trying to keep up my exercise and my work but I'm struggling big time. All I want to do is sleep.

I know this particular cycle will eventually ease but I don't know how I can ever hold down friendships or a relationship. If anyone has any suggestions or similar experiences I wound really appreciate it.

Thank you and sorry for the rant!

x

[lookingforme]

Hi Noodle17,

Welcome to the BeyondBlue forums. Everything you have described, everything, I can relate to and have experienced.

I have to apologise, because I don't have the answers for you, so for that I am sorry. But, I can tell you, you are not alone when it comes to feeling this way. And please, don't apologise for ranting. It's great that you have reached out from that dark place you have described.

I, too, question whether a relationship is even in the cards for me because I know how bad and closed off I get, and friendships...they're difficult too. But, let me ask you this, have you ever told anyone you have felt close to, who you can trust, about your depression and anxiety? Maybe what is keeping you from investing in people emotionally is you being hyper aware of how you can be at times, and this stops you, like it can make you feel like a worthless blip. The people you have relationships with, would it be so bad to let them see past the façade? I'm not saying that this is the answer, because relationships mean dealing with other people who also have emotions and are just unknown variables at times, I am saying, it might help to have someone on your side.

I have three friends in this world, and let summarise their reactions to knowing. One of them has never experienced depression, but tries her best to be there for me and to understand, and to push me just a little during my episodes, so when I come out of it, I'm not at rock bottom or trying to fix my life entirely. One, also never experienced it, sort of reacts in the moment but isn't too invested. The third, was diagnosed with depression, seeming to have come out of it (it was due to loss of a family member), and cannot understand why I am the way I am. She thinks I'm cold though I've explained to her the intensity of emotions that I feel, she thinks I don't try when I am depressed when that is all I do, try over and over, or at least feel guilt for wanted to stay in bed. It is like, what I say cannot be counted because I have depression, this is what she makes me feel like.

So there, a veritable spectrum of reactions. It is quite common for "friends" to be pushed away by us when we are at our worst. But, please remember that it takes two people to be in any relationship, and if they have been pushed away, they decided to let you go. So it isn't your fault. But letting someone in to understand might help?

Do you see a GP or psych to talk this out with?

[Noodle17]

Hi Lookingforme,

Thank you for your response. I did try and tell a friend once, she became another girlfriend who would talk about me behind my back unfortunately. I tend not to discuss my depression now. I fear being judged and belittled (oh she's just depressed!) not to mention at work!

I have a very busy client facing job with a female boss who is difficult to manage. I am going on a 3 day offsite conference with the management team this week involving staying in a hotel with them and I'm incredibly anxious about it. I need to have my fake smiles and confidence turned up a notch big time.

back to your suggestion, I think I will stick with the chat for now, hopefully talking with people who understand will help me through my current cycle. Thank you for your help.

[Starwolf]

Hi Lookingforme and welcome to these forums.

Social isolation is one of depression by-products. True friendship is a rare privilege at the best of time. It is expected to be constant but depression is anything but. We find our changeable states of mind difficult to cope with. So do those around us. When hard times come over us, we tend to cut ourselves off. Loved ones feel rejected and rejection is painful.

Depression is misunderstood by the public at large. To the majority, it is unknown territory. People are scared of the unknown, particularly if there is a stigma attached to it. Few realize that it is an illness and see it as weakness of character, a flawed personality. So the tendency is to keep away. We find what we don't understand disturbing. Temptation to put it in the "too hard basket" is often irresistible.

I'm not saying that depression makes friendship impossible, only that it complicates things too much for most people. But not all.

Joining these forums was a brave and wise decision. They're a safe place to vent your feelings, connect with compassionate, understanding people who are/have been in similar situations. You are welcome with open heart.

[Bodey294]

hello noodle 17,

All of the things you are experiencing right now i can relate to as i have suffered from major depression in the past. you are never alone. In regards to long-lasting sustainable friendships i have found that opening up to others making yourself vulnerable is a powerful bonding tool that elicits a huge amount of trust. by coming to these forums you taken the first step towards becoming comfortable with opening up to others and we love you for that. I have been mostly an independent soul myself whilst growing up and have found that wellbeing and happiness not only comes from people but from within. working on yourself is just as important as making sustainable friendships so be a friend to yourself and be nice to yourself as well. working on yourself can be difficult... mindfulness meditation helps, reading, exercise and maintaining a positive scheduled sleeping pattern are all beneficial to keeping yourself balanced. once you take care of yourself, socialising and being honest with others will come more naturally and you can improve you interpersonal skills from there including communication, body language and also having the listening power that comes with an interest of what the other person is saying.

I truly wish you all the best and you are never alone here on these forums. and welcome

-Bodey

[Neil_1]

Hi there Noodle

I too can understand exactly what you’ve written. Pretending to be normal – hmmm, just want IS normal?

I think a lot of us hear that word and then it drops us even lower … “we’re not normal”. Who is normal? And why is normal good? Does it make us a bad person if we suffer? Are we bad for not being normal?

I like to think that I’m not a bad person for suffering and for me, I’m as normal as I’m ever going to get. I try real hard to do the things that I need to do to keep me up-right. All of us who suffer have to do this, simply to manage to get through each day and by the sound of it, you are doing good things as well to assist yourself. And good on you for coming here – seeking other avenues, is always a really excellent and positive thing.

Managing our illness is quite exhausting really and so many others wouldn’t know how much work it takes.

It’s excellent to read that you exercise and have your job, your work – both of those things are big factors for us, positive factors in helping us, through each day. Though work can be, you know, the normal nasty four letter word, it still is beneficial, as it can help distract us from negative thoughts and if we’re busy, it can help the day move along instead of another day that just drags.

Being active is awesome cause if you do it hard enough, it can have the effect of releasing endorphins into the system, which are the good effects you feel after having had a good session of working out, running, walking hard, cycling – be it whatever you do, get a good sweat up and there are benefits afterwards. On top of that, if it’s done often enough and you’ve got a good eating cycle, then the flow on effects to your body is a big positive also.

Getting routines in place I find is a big thing as well.

Your work, your workouts or fitness activities, finding things to occupy you at home, be it the family (kids if you have them), a good book, a mini-series, movies, music, things on the computer, sports shows, even healthy cooking; a regular night time routine to help with sleep is important as well. Sleep is not to be sneezed at either (unless you take some black pepper before bedtime, then it’s almost unavoidable!), but getting good sleep is huge, as it helps you commence and get through the next day.

I hope I’ve been able to provide something useful with this response. Would love to hear back from you.

Neil

[S_J_D]

Hey Noodle17,

I completely get where you are coming from and how you are feeling. As a fellow only child I understand the blessing and curse it can be. From my personal experience I am independent, content on my own and in my own company. On the flip side, I struggle to connect with people, it's like uncharted territories. At 43 I still feel like the kid on the edge of the playground, watching everyone else playing together. It hurts. I also have a knack for picking completely the wrong friends and boyfriends, and that's really hurt. I'm in the middle of another depressive cycle and at a point now being alone is my safe place - there's no risk of rejection, not being taken advantage of, of being hurt, not having to put everyone else first, not having to put the brave and happy face on. Instead I'm sitting in the emptiness and the numbness is like an suit of armour that protects me.

What I do know is that I have to chip away at it. Remember the things that used to make me happy and do them, regardless of whether I get anything out of it. I journal, and that helps a lot, just writing it out. My journal becomes my best friend. Stick with the exercise - good on you for keeping it up. Even if it's a short walk, getting moving. And I see a psych - I know you've said that's not a path you want to take right now. It's an option there. For me, having someone I can trust and talk to openly, no filters required, no rejection risked, not thinking that I'm burdening someone, well for me it's a blessing. As is this forum - I only recently turned to it and the caring, compassion and understanding has blown me away. And I do force myself to see some friends - I won't talk to them about what's going on, I don't have anyone I'm that close to, but I know too much of my own company is not a good thing.

It's hard, but finding self-compassion can help. Looking at yourself from the outside - being a friend to yourself - what would you say, looking in. Be that friend to yourself and see your strengths - self love is so important. It took me years to even like myself - it was a lot of work, but made a big difference - there's still the negative talk, but it's less than it was.

As you say, you know this phase will pass. Keep strong, keep talking, keep moving, the darkness will lift.

Sarah

[lookingforme]

Hi Noodle,

Oh, I've been there. Confiding in someone did end up biting me in the backside more than once, and yes, I did have trouble confiding in anyone. It took a long time for me to get back to a trusting place in general. I hope that talking on here will show you that not everyone will belittle you when you open up.

Your business trip, remember to take some time for yourself also, if to exercise or have a bath, because keeping up that façade can get tiring, as I'm sure you know. It is important that you take care of yourself during this time. Everyone on here has come up with some great advice and suggestions.

I look forward to your posts

Joelle