How to know if I'm over-burdening people

[Allan533]

So I had a really, really bad time lately. And despite me really, honestly trying to minimise the support I asked for from my friend, apparently it was too much, and she said that she couldn't be there for me at that point, and that I'd been "over-using" her (not her words). And while obviously that hurt me a lot, I can concede that it's her right to do so: if she doesn't feel that she can help for whatever reason, it's absolutely OK for her to pull back. She has to take care of herself.

But now I'm unsure how much I can ask people for support. My other two main supports are good friends, but one of them has anxiety issues, and the other has depression, and I don't want to cause extra stress on them, and clearly I can't tell if I'm going overboard. So the last few weeks I've been trying to handle things myself without asking for support, but frankly I'm not doing well. And over the last couple of days, while I haven't fallen back to where I was before, it's been a definite downward trend, despite my honest best efforts.

In addition, this whole situation has led me to thinking that maybe my thoughts aren't entirely off-base. That I am a burden on the people around me, and I should pull away from them for their own good. I know that's not healthy, but... well, it's hard not to reach that conclusion, isn't it?

I do have the occasional good day, and I try to take advantage of them as best I can. But it just seems like all that does is slow the descent. And I've seen where that descent goes. I don't want to go there, but I can't see a way to divert the track.

[Allan533]

So today is an OK day. Not great, but not horrible. Had a couple of bad moments, but I've been able to walk away from them and focus on what needs to be done.

Not much to say beyond that, just wanted not all my posts on here to be doom and gloom 🙂

[Summer Rose]

Hi Allan

Thanks for sharing your good news with us! Good on you.

It's really important when we're struggling and having a heard time, like you are, to appreciate ourselves and acknowledge our own efforts too. I'm really hoping you can to something kind for yourself to celebrate your achievement. Maybe...read, go for a walk, eat chocolate, cook a special meal, treat yourself to extra dessert, etc. What kind of things do you enjoy doing? Pick something and reward yourself 🙂

[Allan533]

Saw the psychiatrist today - lucked out and got one within a few months, which is good. Was strange, but mostly because they have a different manner than I'm used to. But I think I can adjust easily enough to that. Was mostly describing the situation I'm in, bit of background information, then we talked about what I was after. I mentioned that it was supportive work in conjunction with my psychologist, and medication. They seemed to think that both were a good idea in my situation, and pretty much immediately wrote me a prescription and started walking me through what to expect: that it takes a few weeks to kick in, but side effects can start really early but can drop off soon as well, etc.

I think it'd be good for me. A different type of approach, more fact-based and less process-oriented. Not that process is bad, by any means, but I have that kind of approach with my psychologist, so someone else like that would be redundant, I think. A different approach means considering things from different perspectives.

Bit nervous about the medication, though. I know intellectually that it'll help me, it's not a lifelong thing necessarily, it just gives me the breathing room to set up better strategies without my brain turning into a puddle quite so often. But it still seems like I'm implicitly admitting that I can't handle things on my own? I mean, I know I can't, but I guess the idea of being dependent on drugs... yeah, it's totally irrational, I know. But it bothers me. That said, I will fill the script tomorrow, and I guess we'll see how we go?

[Summer Rose]

Hi Allan

I'm really glad the appointment went well. I know it took courage to go and I understand how difficult it is for you to accept medication as a treatment option. I really like the way you say that it doesn't have to be a "lifelong thing" and that it will give you "breathing room to set up better strategies". For what it's worth, this has been my experience.

By way of background, I support my daughter who has OCD and anxiety. At the age of 13 she commenced medication, CBT and lifestyle changes to get on top of her illness. I was hesitant and worried about the medication part too, particularly as her brain was still developing. But she needed it. She hospitalised and the doctors helped me see that it could really help her and I had to put my fears aside. We decided to try.

Medication got her to a place where she could really fight OCD and win. She has since reached recovery, decreased her dosage and is working toward a life free of medication. But she wouldn't have survived her high school years without it, and she certainly wouldn't have been able to graduate and start her studies to become an architect (or work or have a social life or play sport, etc.). For her, it was a game changer.

I think it's sensible to try given how unwell you feel. Please be on the alert for side effects and keep talking to the psychiatrist and your GP. Everybody's journey is different and the way people respond to medication varies. The medication my daughter was first prescribed wasn't helpful, the second one was. If, at the end of the day, it's not for you, that's okay. We all live and learn.

There is a thread on this forum where people discuss medication etc. Have a look at the treatments-health-professionals-and-therapies area, as will be many other views and information available that can help you.

I know what you mean about the different approaches of psychologists and psychiatrists. It can be confronting. I found overtime that I was willing to take the help and knowledge from wherever it was offered to help my daughter heal.

I don't want to sound patronising but the mum in me is coming out when I say, I'm proud of you.

[smallwolf]

Hi,

I was once like you and anti drugs. I thought I should be able to fix myself without those things. It was my GP that prescribed the first AD medication. Now I also know that lots of other people still use them either on an ad-hoc basis or regularly. And putting drugs to the side, it takes a courageous and brave person to admit they can't do things on their own. They are not my words, but the words of my barber, when I told him what I was going through. And so regardless of your age, seeking help is a brave and smart thing to do.

I have had only one visit to my psychiatrist and sounds like your situation asking questions about history etc. So I don't know much about that yet. My next appointment is on Monday. Will let you know how it goes. Look for"a common story?" for my thread. It seems you have a good relationship with your psych*, and that is nice when you don't have to shop around. I have been lucky also. But for different reasons I need both.

All the best.

Smallwolf

[Allan533]

Smallwolf, I'm working through it now. Sounds like you've had a really rough run 😞 (Also, apropos of nothing, I'm really glad these forums are indexed by Google, otherwise finding any particular thread would be nearly impossible)

I filled the script and started taking it yesterday. Obviously it'll likely take a bit to start working, but honestly just the promise of not having to deal with the very low lows is encouraging at this point. If I can just cut off the really bad times, I think I can manage the rest well enough until I get strategies in place. Minor point I found oddly amusing: the pills are really small. Like, about 3 or 4 mm long, and about 2 or 3 wide. I mean, it's meant to be a "small dose", but I didn't think it'd be that literal 😛

I'm not sure if it's a good sign, but I've noticed my moods starting to slide downhill, my thoughts starting to darken, and somehow managed to... redirect it? That's not the right word, but I can't think of what would describe it. So it's either a positive sign, or my focus has gotten so bad that even my emotions are unable to last very long. But hey, if one problem wants to solve another, then I'm certainly not going to complain!