How to know if I'm over-burdening people

[Allan533]

So I had a really, really bad time lately. And despite me really, honestly trying to minimise the support I asked for from my friend, apparently it was too much, and she said that she couldn't be there for me at that point, and that I'd been "over-using" her (not her words). And while obviously that hurt me a lot, I can concede that it's her right to do so: if she doesn't feel that she can help for whatever reason, it's absolutely OK for her to pull back. She has to take care of herself.

But now I'm unsure how much I can ask people for support. My other two main supports are good friends, but one of them has anxiety issues, and the other has depression, and I don't want to cause extra stress on them, and clearly I can't tell if I'm going overboard. So the last few weeks I've been trying to handle things myself without asking for support, but frankly I'm not doing well. And over the last couple of days, while I haven't fallen back to where I was before, it's been a definite downward trend, despite my honest best efforts.

In addition, this whole situation has led me to thinking that maybe my thoughts aren't entirely off-base. That I am a burden on the people around me, and I should pull away from them for their own good. I know that's not healthy, but... well, it's hard not to reach that conclusion, isn't it?

I do have the occasional good day, and I try to take advantage of them as best I can. But it just seems like all that does is slow the descent. And I've seen where that descent goes. I don't want to go there, but I can't see a way to divert the track.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Alan

I'm really sorry to hear that you've been having a bad time lately. I'm even sorrier to hear that your friend let you down. Sometimes when the people we count on hurt us it's easy to overreact and get angry. I really like that you are trying to understand her withdrawal by putting yourself in her shoes.

I want to encourage you to keep talking things through with your other friends. Given their mental health conditions I'm sure that they understand how important it is to support you. I'm also sure that you likely provide valuable support at times to these friends who are struggling. I can also bet that you bring joy to their lives in many ways. A burden does not give back. You are not a burden, you are a friend.

It would also probably help to widen your support network. Do you have a GP or other practitioner to talk to? I think posting here is another great strategy. You are always welcome here and there are a lot of people who would like to support you. If you want to post more about what's driving your descent, please do. Always happy to chat.

Kind thoughts to you

[smallwolf]

Hi,

In addition to what Summer Rose said... You can always tell or ask your friends to let you know if you are going too far. I am somewhat conscious of how much information I give out to certain individuals, probably so that I don't scare them too much.

Also you can use this space as a journal of sorts. Again, there are some things reserved for me and my psych, but it becomes a way to get things out of my head.

Be kind to yourself. If you can, let us know how you are going?

Everybody supports each other here. We are all on different and yet similar journeys. All the best and peaceful thoughts to you.

[Allan533]

I have a psychologist who I see, but I'm coming to the end of my Mental Health plan so we're spacing out my appointments to one a month. I'm trying to see a psychiatrist to support that (since it's covered by Medicare) and talk about medication, but that's proving the next best thing to impossible. Money is tight, so I'm not sure how I'm going to handle things once they run out.

I really hate to talk to my other friends. They've got their own issues, and I know how draining it can be being support to someone going through a hard time, especially if you're struggling yourself. And I know they both are (well, one is, the other is on the fence and I will not be the thing that pushes them over). Just feeds into my perception of myself as human plutonium: dangerous to be around in even trace amounts, with only very few actual uses beyond mass destruction.

It's just that, whenever I'm around people, I have to choose to either hide/edit to the point where it becomes a lie, or I make them feel like crap. And I hate to lie. So I avoid people. But that makes me feel worse. So I try to distract myself, and that works for a little bit, but that just tires me out, which makes it really easy for me to fall back later. Which brings me back to the idea that this is who I am, this is my life. I can learn to manage things around the edges, but ultimately I'm just broken and bleeding negativity over the world.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Allan

I think I understand what you're saying and it appears that you have got yourself caught up in a bit of a vicious circle. Talk, Feel Bad, Hide, Avoid, Feel Even Worse. I wonder if there's a way off the merry-go-round. Do you think you could try being with your friends and sharing small chunks of information? You don't have to dominate the conversation with your woes but perhaps you could pick just one or two key things to raise. I don't know all of your issues so it's hard to say, but do you think that could work?

I also don't know for sure what type of mental health condition you are experiencing, although I'm guessing from your post that it's depression. It's just that I suspect that some of how you are feeling (e.g. being human plutonium) is really a symptom of your illness and with treatment this will improve. It can get better.

Try to keep pushing for access to a psychiatrist. Can you also explore applying for an extension to the Medicare appointments? I was successful accessing a greater number of appointments for my daughter when she was unwell by talking with my GP. I don't know how my GP did it but maybe you could talk to yours about it.

And you always have us. You can share as much or as little and people like me (and me) will be here to help you through it. You are not a burden and you are not alone.

BTW: I don't know you but I can still assure you that you are not human plutonium. You are simply unwell. And that's okay. There is hope for brighter days ahead.

[Allan533]

I do try not to dominate people with it, in fact I try to keep it to myself as much as possible, and to deal with it as much myself as I can. I don't want to overburden people, particularly people who have their own issues. I much prefer to be the one supporting them and making their lives easier, but I'm sure I cost them more than I help. They've already started pulling away from me, not responding to my messages, finding excuses not to hang out, even if I'm not asking them for help, or communicating that I'm struggling.

I have good days sometimes, when I can feel that I can handle things, that I can manage my issues. But they always end, the darkness and grime comes back, and I'm back where I started. I try to use the techniques my psychologist has taught me, and sometimes they work, but sometimes it's only for a really short time (a few minutes to a couple hours). Because my brain has decided to be a tool, and I don't have a choice but to just knuckle under until it decides to relent. Which can and has taken months. And even when it does, I get, what, a couple weeks, a month? Then we're back on the grime train. People can help that for a little while, but again, within a few hours, it's just back. And I've burdened them for basically a few hours respite.

I managed to get an appointment with a psychiatrist for later this week. Maybe that'll help. Best case scenario they put me on medication, and I'm dependent on pills to function. Not because of a physiological limitation, like diabetes or an injury, but because my brain is stupid and makes me sad, which I can't handle because I'm useless.

I'm pretty sure my psychologist is getting frustrated with me. They haven't said anything, but I can see it. I try to do the things they tell me, I try to engage with the process, but it just doesn't go anywhere. I'm just taking up their time they could be using to actually help someone, but instead they're dealing with me. Mr Pointless. Mr Why-Bother.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Alan

The pain in your post is palbable. It must be awful to feel so alone and unwell. I am asking the universe to send you a blessing and I hope it arrives soon.

Congratulations on getting the appointment to see a psychiatrist. Please try to keep an open mind about medication as a viable treatment option.

You are experiencing an injury to your brain. Most likely a chemical imbalance. To me, it is exactly the the same as a physical condition.

No one would judge a diabetic for taking medication to regulate their sugar levels, would they? I don't see that your situation is any different. If you need medication to regulate the chemicals in your brain, so be it.

Ask yourself, what is the alternative? I'm going to guess it's grime, darkness and pain. Why suffer if you don't have to? Maybe medication can help you get to a place where your psychological treatments can be more effective. This could be the ray of hope you so desperately need.

Hang in there. Post any time and please let us know how you get on with the psychiatrist

[smallwolf]

Alan533,

For what it is worth, I am on anti-depressants. And while the startup (1st week) was bad (for me), if you get through that then things start to improve. The amount of time that you then use any medication is between you and the medical people. The initial session with the psychiatrist is just a Q&A I found, so they can get an idea about you. Just take things a day at a time. My next psychiatrist appointment is in Tuesday. I can let you know how that goes also.... Or you could look at my thread... "A Common Story".

Things should get better, abet slowly. I say we take the scenic route on life. That helps get me by.

[Allan533]

I was at a party for the birthday of a close friend last night, generally a good night. I started out rough (was irritable because of some stuff, but I focused on sorting out the decorations for a while until I was in a more person-friendly mood), but generally I thought it went well. I was very disconnected from most of the discussion, but for me, well.

Towards the end of the night, I was having a conversation with someone about asexuality, and they were asking a lot of questions. Which I was fine with answering. One of the questions they asked was whether I had ever been in a romantic relationship, and I said that while I had been in a couple of romantic-esque relationships, I wouldn't classify either of them that way for various reasons.

Woke up this morning, was in a bit of a mood, nothing too unusual. So I decided it'd be better to go out for breakfast, rather than sitting at home. Some stimulation and that. And of course what did I see but people connecting with each other, talking, hugging, laughing. And me. Alone. And that got me thinking about the conversation, and the thought started to emerge of myself as a speck of dirt in a wound - tiny, insignificant really, but ultimately a foreign body that causes infection and inflammation. Everything in the body rejects it, not out of malice or badness on the part of the dirt, but because it's foreign, wrong. It shouldn't be there, and it being there causes only damage to the surrounding tissue.

I tried to move past the thought, recognise it as just something my brain threw up because it's weird, but it kept coming back. And I started thinking about my life. I'm almost always alone, and when I'm with people it's awkward and weird and there's always something wrong. I've said something wrong, they're in a bad mood, they are suddenly sick. Something always comes up. When I make a serious effort to connect with people, it never, ever works out well. Even my close friendships are more due to them being astonishingly patient and me being materially useful to them than anything else. Taken together, it's hard not to believe that this is how things are supposed to be. I'm supposed to be alone. I'm not supposed to connect with people, because I'm not like them. Different, foreign. And like the dirt, forcing it only causes damage.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Allan

I was really happy to read that you had fun at the birthday party. It's great that you were able to engage in conversation with others.

I think that positive experience deserves celebration, especially given that you have been struggling. It also strikes me that it is quite incongruent with your negative thoughts about being "a speck of dirt in a wound". I'm not a doctor and I don't want to offend you, but I suspect this may be an irrational negative thought caused by your illness.

It's not all doom and gloom, my friend. You are connecting here with me and others. You have good friends. I appreciate your concerns about your genereal interactions with people but this can be improved. Soon you will be able to talk this through with a psychiatrist.

I believe that with the right treatment life can and will improve for you. Hang in there