How to get through this?

[acute-ava]

Hi there, I am new to this forum so thought I would introduce myself. I have battled mental health issues my whole entire life - chronic anxiety, depression, PTSD and now.. perhaps borderline personality traits. I am 27 years old. I had one acute episode of depression at 17, and we've come full circle now, 10 years on and I am in another acute episode. I recognise it and I feel especially ashamed as I work in a mental health focused profession. Anyway, I thought I would never be back here. But, every minute is an agonising battle to keep on going. I am meeting with my psychiatrist tomorrow to discuss hospitalisation. I am keeping myself safe with no alcohol and I am away from my partner & his family, who for various reasons, had no tolerance of this. They believe you can choose to "just get over stuff", and I never make that choice. I keep reading the Sane "myths & facts" that depression isn't a choice. Hell, I tell people in my profession, "depression isn't a choice." But the shame and guilt remains so fixed and it suffocates me. My sense of myself as an adult has been shattered, and I have lost the trust I had in myself. I am this broken mess. My housing & employment & finances are all up in the air, but problem solving seems impossible when getting through a minute of being inside this head is supremely difficult. I am living with my mother, who at least believes I am not choosing this (mostly). I am so tired and this pain is crushing me. Please tell me - how do you get through this?

[geoff]

hello Acute-ava, or maybe it should be in pain but know exactly what you are going through and feel everything this is doing to you and I'm really sorry.
Don't be ashamed because working in a mental health facility doesn't mean that you should be guarded against having depression, nothing will stop this most insidious illness, and deeply sorry that your partner and his family reject that it can't just be overcome, we are unable to turn the page and start a new day it's impossible.
You can pretend to solve any issues, it can't be physically or mentally done, you're far from being strong enough and I appreciate that your finances are in a mess, but you need to look after yourself, and I realise at the moment you might not be capable of getting help, but just keepin mind that Anglicare can help you, they were such a great help for myself when I was in a diabolical state, I couldn't thank them enough, but first of all talk with your psychiatrist and wish you the very best, but would certainly love to hear back from you, when you're able to. Geoff.

[Croix]

Dear Acute-ava~

I'll join Geoff in welcoming you here. As someone else with PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression I can understand a lot of what you are going through.

First off thank goodness for you mum. A place to retreat to under the circumstances is essential. The illness alone breeds enough self-doubt and guilt together with despair, having your partner - and his family - reinforce this with an idiotic attitude that belongs in the middle ages simple makes the whole thing that much worse.

Unfortunately there are some with no experience, closed minds and not enough empathy to keep their prejudices to themselves.

Look, the first thing - if you are anything like me - is that the circumstances of your life (accommodation, job, relationships) all seem just about impossible, with no way forward. This is the depression talking. It can take a capable resourceful and reliable person and turn them into someone almost helpless. At the time I felt what I was thinking was fact - it was only later I found my thinking was very skewed - towards the hopeless.

I was eventually hospitalized and this, together with a change in meds, was the start of my improvement. As hospitals vary immense I'm not saying that is your way, just that being removed from daily life and all its problems made all the difference for me.

The thing is here I'm talking to someone who 'intellectually' knows depression is not a choice, and probably knows the ways to deal with it, however that person, being under the clutches of the illness herself, has clouded thinking. Please just try to be easy on yourself -things improve out of sight with help .Although difficult try for distraction.

A leave of absence from work with a MedCert seems appropriate, there is no need for the certificate to state anything other than 'A medical condition' unless you want it to.

Your self-confidence should not really revolve around if you get depression, as an illness it can come on quite independently of your actions, what you need to try to focus on is the fact you had the resilience inside you to deal with it before, and that resilience is still there - plus you now have more experience.

You are seeking medical help, that is the first great step. Please keep in contact

Croix