How to get interested in life again?

Damaged · ‎13-05-2014

Hi all. I have been suffering anxiety and depression for a really long time. I am really trying to beat it though I always seem to find myself repeating the same patterns because anything outside of my standard routine is too hard to deal with. My life at the moment life consists of a 58 hour work week which doesn’t leave much time for anything through the week. On the weekends I catch up on house work, sleep and maybe see a movie and that’s about it.

I have recently started going to therapy again and she told me I should find a hobby and find groups of people to meet up with,though meeting in any kind of group is kind of like hell for me. On top of that I really don’t have anything that I am interested in at the moment. Most of the time I just feel pretty empty inside. I guess I have lost interest in most things over the years.

I Know I need to socialize more if I want to improve, and there has to be more to life than work and bills though I am not sure where to start?

Maybe I am

past the point of no return?

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Damaged · ‎28-09-2014

Hey Mary. How are you going?

I am ok at the moment I had a week of high anxiety though I think this week will be much better. (well I hope so anyway).

Thanks for all your encouragement It means a lot. I have been in serious relationships before though not for a long time. Now I think I am at a point where even if I did find someone I would have hard time letting them in. I still have trouble trusting people. I hope you are doing ok and managed to get out a bit. Sorry for the short post I am about to go for a run while the weather is good.

Talk to you soon.

Love Matthew.

Mares73 · ‎01-10-2014

My dear Matthew I've tried to write to you several times only to lose the message due to "system error" so I hope this time that it works. I totally relate to just wanting to experience feeling a sense of being happy or at peace inside. Sometimes I find the anxiety more debilitating than the depression, it can really affect your life & the physical & emotional nerves are exhausting. You mentioned that you went for a run-is exercise a big hobby in your life? Do you have any other interests? I guess reading crime fiction is a good distraction for me. I don't really have any hobbies-i reading up in a family that never encouraged having interests or fun so I haven't been great at exploring many. You also mentioned it would be hard to get close & trust someone in a relationship-thats understandable. It's also a matter of where to meet nice people at our age, a lot of people go to pubs etc but I guess that's a low chance of meeting someone serious. Did you get hurt badly previously? Sorry I may sound untrusive but I don't mean to-just learning more about your life. Do you have any close friends? I assume you work in a male dominated workplace. And what do you do weekends after you've done yourcchores? You are pretty amazing to keep yourself self motivated despite the anxiety & depression. Not sure if you go to therapy etc. I found they focused on encouraging things like meditation which I've never been able to do as I get anxious about not not being able to relax! Crazy lol. I've always had low confidence & that stops me from doing or trying things that might help. And like you I'm not close to my family & grew up with the fear of an abusive alcoholic father. Our pasts really affect us don't you think. Hey how did you get onto these forums? I think talking like we'd do is more beneficial to me than talking to counselors I've seen. How are you feeling this week? I know the anxiety has been tough. But I have so much admiration for the strength you have in coping alone, holding down a job you don't really enjoy & having to deal with the anxiety & depression alone. You may not see it but your such a strong person. I've been waking at 4am each morning & I think of you having to get up at 5 & it stops me complaining! I've been thinking of you a lot & wondering how you are going. I'll always be here for you & if there's a delay in hearing from me at any time never think I've gone it would just be a computer delay. Sending you a big hug, Love Maryxxxx

Mares73 · ‎08-10-2014

Hey Matthew I wrote to you a week or so & still haven't heard from you or maybe you haven't read my posts yet. I'm just concerned if your on as we usually connect every 2 days or so. You've been on my mind & I truly hope your of. I'll keep checking as I do each day to see if you've written. Big hug & love X Mary

Damaged · ‎08-10-2014

Hey Mary.

Sorry I haven’t posted in here lately I guess I have just been a bit down and didn’t know what to say? I have been thinking of you though.

How is everything ? As to your previous post I do exercise a little bit on the weekends I find it can really helps to improve your mood to go for a run when you are down. It doesn’t always work though lol. I do like to read crime fiction. I have started reading a book called Kill Room by Jeffery Deaver though haven’t got too far in yet I have been a bit distracted.

I know what you mean about anxiety being harder to deal with than depression. I seem to be constantly see-sawing between one or the other. Depression comes and goes though anxiety makes doing seemingly normal things to most people impossible for me. And it never really goes away.

On relationships I have been hurt before but I guess no worse than anyone else. I have trouble trusting people in general. Not really sure why, just how I was bought up I suppose. I do go to therapy when I can afford to go. Sometimes it helps sometimes not. I know what you mean about meditation. It has never really done anything for me either. I always am thinking to myself I should be getting more form this.lol

Thanks for all your support and encouragement. It really means a lot. I would like to say more though I am running out of time.

ll post again soon.

Love Matthew XOXO

Mares73 · ‎12-10-2014

My dear Matthew you know I actually smiled (can you believe it!) when I saw you had replied & written to me. I've been trying to read crime books to distract myself but I know what you mean about concentration-each time I go to read I have to flick back a few pages to remember characters names etc. I know you've been hurt & it's to be expected that you'd find it hard to trust. Unconditional love is what I've always wanted, don't know if it's realistic though. Funny story-I rarely watch TV yet one night was really down & put on Tv & left on Channel that came up. It happened to be "The Bachelor" & I couldn't believe these women really believed they could find love when all "dates" were surrounded by Tv crew & they had such limited time to get to know "The Bachelor". So I watched the last episode where a proposal took place only to hear they had already split up prior to the finale going to air. I can't fathom how people would expose their deepest vulnerabilities on a Tv show. And there was nothing realistic about any of it. Just got me thinking about stereotypes, vulnerabilities & the desperation some people have to go to such lengths. We are far more "normal" lol!

Matthew I know you don't feel this but you are full of courage & strength. To self motivate yourself to go to a job you don't particularly enjoy each day, to pay a mortgage & all your other responsibilities without anyone to share it with-that must be incredibly tough & I have much respect & admiration for you. Do you have any ideas of next steps? Your coping incredibly.

dont want to run out of word limit but I care deeply & your an inspiration to me. I'll always be here for you because your as close as a friend it gets even though there's limitations to only connecting on here. Hope to hear how you are soon. Much love Mary xxx

Damaged · ‎13-10-2014

Hey Mary.

I’m glad I could make you smile:) How is it going?

I have been feeling a little bit better the last few days. Though haven’t really ventured out of my normal routine.

I have seen a bit of the bachelor. I agree it was awkward to watch. I don’t know what people see in “Reality TV” in general. The people on it always seem to be very narcissistic. I have to deal with enough people like that in real life at work.lol

Thanks for your continued support. Sometimes I don’t feel very strong though. As far as my next steps. That’s a very good question. Not really sure I have any answers though. Still just kind of living one day at a time. I really find it hard to make any future plans cause usually if money doesn’t stop me from doing something then anxiety will. So it’s a bit hard to see past that at the moment.

Hey I just noticed the picture of your puppy. Very cute 🙂

I have to go. Though hope you are doing well.

Talk to you soon. Love Matthew

Damaged · ‎21-10-2014

Hey Mary.

I haven’t heard from you for a while. I hope you are ok. I miss your posts.

I am pretty much just the same. Having very up and down moods at the moment. I have stopped taking meds for now. It just got to the point where they didn’t feel like they were doing anything. So I am taking a break from them for a while. I am really looking forward to the weekend , its only Tuesday and I am already exhausted . I am struggling to find time to cook a proper meal at the moment. It’s just all work and sleep right now. Would love to be able to go on a holiday.

Anyhoo I hope you are alright and hope to hear from you soon

Big hugs Matthew xx

Mares73 · ‎25-10-2014

My dear Matthew I'm sorry I haven't got back to you earlier. I got confused-i thought I was waiting on a reply from you-i forgot you had replied & it was my turn so really sorry about that. You know I get up about 5am now & sit & have a coffee & go over things that are happening in my life & I also honestly think to myself "I wonder how Matthew is today". So I do think of you each day & hope your coping with the anxiety. I've come to believe depression & anxiety go hand in hand. It's rare to have one without the other. Being anxious & how awful the effects are can make us depressed. And alternately being depressed about something like a bad work situation causes anxiety to start. I think for me the anxiety is always present even if it's low grade & others wouldn't notice. And living with all the terrible symptoms of anxiety makes me withdraw into myself & hence the depression comes because I feel alone, insecure, lacking confidence etc-all symptoms of depression as well. I'm not sure if I told you but I'm reading the best book I've ever read about the search for happiness, anxiety & depression. I can relate to every word. It's called "The Happiness Trap" by Russ Harris. If you Google him he has his own website where you can read the first chapter for free, he also has worksheets & so much info it's great. As you will gather from website he practices ACT Therapy-Acceptance & Commitment. He goes against CBT & most psychology as he says we cant just change our thoughts & feelings-its more about how we manage them. But I'd urge you to checkout the website. I've nearly finished his book & I could relate to all of it when usually I find self help books unrealistic. I hope you find it helpful. How is your anxiety? What have you done this weekend? I admire you so much for motivating yourself. I'm really struggling with that. Nearly every day I write achievable plans for the day & wander around aimlessly achieving nothing & then just hating myself more. I'm in a bad cycle a at the moment, can't even commit myself to making things like appointments. I know it needs doing but my motivation & self drive is zero. It's embarrassing & I'm so ashamed at my inability to complete things. That's my challenge at moment. I'm keen to hear how your going. On a final lighthearted note what did you think of Blake ending up with Louise lol!!! Maybe I'm naive but the guys copping heaps when I thought he was genuine! Hugs & love, Mary

Damaged · ‎27-10-2014

Hi Mary .

So glad to hear from you. Wow you are getting up early at least it’s not that bad at this time of year. I have been thinking about you as well and have been wondering how you have been.

As for me I have not been too bad, still having some bad days though managing to function for the most part. Long term all of my problems are still there though I am managing to keep depression out of my head for now. Anxiety still is still kind of uncontrollable though. It is still stopping me from doing so much. Still worry when I think about the future a lot and if I have any possibility of being content in the future. I guess I need to stop thinking about it so much.

Work has been a better much better situation lately. Which is good the days are going much faster. Thanks for the book I will check that out for sure it sounds like it would be right up my alley. I haven’t done much outside of work. Just cleaning around the house. I am planning to go out to the Blue Mountains next weekend if I can stay motivated until then.

Not sure about Blake and Louise. They destroyed him on the project though. Lol He could be genuine it was funny to watch though.lol

Anyway gotta go . I hope you get the strength to get some things done. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

Talk to you soon. Big Hug Matthew.

Mares73 · ‎03-11-2014

My dear Matthew it's around 7am Monday morning & I'm having my coffee & writing to you. Thank you soo much far the lovely message you wrote under my post. The mind is very strange-this weekend I felt of as needed not overwhelmed by anxieties. But I can't figure out why it was different to any other time. Sometimes I get so frustrated not being in control of how I feel. Noone would ever guess I had depression & anxiety. I'm actually really good at communicating with people. But when I'm alone it's a different story. My Dr's have recommended that I don't go back to work until the next 9-12 months a are over given the demands of the police & church investigations. Problem for me is I'm hopeless at motivating myself. My goals are small at this stage ie eat & get out of the house each day & I feel hopeless because I'm struggling with leaving the house even though part of getting a dog was to help me get out & walk it. I wish Beyond Blue had the resources far conferences or group meetings where we could go & feel accepted & meet. I hope this happens down the track. Anyway how are you coping? Does the anxiety just come on you or do you know the triggers? I still find it incredible your holding down a job & a mortgage-you have great strength & resilience. I'm looking forward to hearing from you & in the meantime hope you ok-your in my thoughts. Lve Mares xxx