How to get interested in life again?

[Damaged]

Hi all. I have been suffering anxiety and depression for a really long time. I am really trying to beat it though I always seem to find myself repeating the same patterns because anything outside of my standard routine is too hard to deal with. My life at the moment life consists of a 58 hour work week which doesn’t leave much time for anything through the week. On the weekends I catch up on house work, sleep and maybe see a movie and that’s about it.    

I have recently started going to therapy again and she told me I should find a hobby and find groups of people to meet up with,though meeting in any kind of group is kind of like hell for me. On top of that I really don’t have anything that I am interested in at the moment. Most of the time I just feel pretty empty inside. I guess I have lost interest in most things over the years.

I Know I need to socialize more if I want to improve, and there has to be more to life than work and bills though I am not sure where to start?

Maybe I am

past the point of no return?    

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[Mares73]

Dear Matthew I'm so sorry I haven't responded for a while. I had a bad kidney infection & also attended the Royal Commission this week. I was very anxious leading up to it but the interview itself wasn't too bad as I'd written a statement I could read from. What's upset me is the commission only hears people's stories of abuse to help them look at ways to improve future things in the Church. It does not investigate my experience & allegations nor does it provide for compensation. I didn't feel closure as I hoped It would because I know this Priest is still working in schools with kids. Sohhe gets away from it. And getting compensation isn't as easy as it's made out. I have together as solicitor who puts the allegations to the Priest & he has right to reply. Of course the church are going to believe his story over mine & if any compensation is given its not a decent amount ie $50000 upwards. I'll probably only get $10,000 at most if I get any. on now I have to go through it all again with a solicitor  but threarl issue upsetting me is that he gets away with it & if I seek compo he will find out its me & he had such a warped personality that I'd be fearful of him contacting me. Anyway that's my life right now. How are you? Is work still consuming your life? How's your anxiety? Have you managed to enjoy a anything since we were last in contact? I have been thinking of you, just hadn't had the chance to sit & write. Hope you get this & can reply. Love Mary

[Damaged]

Hi Mary. Thanks for checking in.

Sorry to hear you are having such a rough time with the Royal commission. People like that shouldn’t be abel to get away with it. I hope they lock him up.

As for me I have had a really bad few weeks just being down with depression and anxiety.I have come out the other side now and feeling a lot better. It is just a vicious cycle that never seems to end for me. I am going to go to therapy on Saturday.

I may have an opportunity to change jobs by going to work for our opposition at work. I have to meet them on Friday. I just hope it doesn’t get out that I am going to see them. Everyone talks a lot in my industry.Though it could be a good opportunity.

Good to hear from you hope to chat soon.

Matthew XXX  

[Mares73]

Dear Matthew by now you probably know the outcome of the intwrview-how did it go? That's big news, could be a positive change to get out of doing the same boring routine each day. And therapy? Are you seeing a Psychologist-and how did you find it? Sorry to hear you've had such a hard time lately. Sometimes it's really frustrating when we are hit by a bad bout of depression & anxietu, it's terrible feeling helpless in that sometimes no matter what we do the illness seems stronger than our attempts to beat it. I've felt since yesterday a real slump in my mood & it upsets me so much the ways it can just hit us out of nowhere & we don't know how low or how long it's going to last. Did your mood just improve by itself? I think for me the hardest part is I lose motivation to do things that need doing-even simple things like folding the washing & paying bills. Whilst at the same time I'm beating myself up about not doing them. Today I really need to fold & put away about 6 baskets of washing-a simple task-yet in my mind I have zero motivation & could easily waste the day sitting around drinking coffee & smoking cigarettes, whilst feeling like a total failure for not doing simple household chores. Anyway enough about me, I really hope you have positive news about the job & look forward to hearing from you. Lve Mary xxx

[Damaged]

Hey Mary.

How are you? 

I had my interview and It was ok, the money was a bit more, the hours are about the same though which is what I was trying to avoid. So not really sure right now. They have given me some time to think about it and seem to want me to join them so I will think about it over the next week.

As far as therapy goes it sometimes seems like we go over the same ground without any progress. I am kind of understanding depression a bit more lately and how it can bring you down over the smallest things. Though when it gets a hold of you It just blocks all rational thought and you are unable to see that things are probably not as bad as  you think. But I still fall into the same thought patterns every time. I think biggest thing that gets in the way of me getting better is that I don’t have anyone around me that understands what it’s like for people with depression. Sometimes all I need to come around is for somebody to say look everything will be ok don’t worry about it. But I rarely get that kind of reassurance which just increases my fears.

Not sure if all this is making sense I have had a couple of beers and I am kind of tired. I have to go and get dinner I am starving.

Always good to hear from you. Sorry you are so down. I hope you come out of it soon. I know you will.

Love Matthew

[Mares73]

My dear Matthew you honestly have been on my mind particular lyrics the last week and I've tried 5 times to write to you only to lose it with a "system error". There's heaps tomcat change up on but what I'm going to do is send this & if it goes through then I'll write you a detailed message this afternoon.  Big hugs & thinking of you X Mary

[Damaged]

Hey Mary.

How are you going? I have been meaning to post in your thread to see how you are. Though have just been either too busy or too down to get around to it. I hope you are ok. Thanks for checking in. I am pretty much the same. Emotions are still a bit up and down right now. I am still pretty fragile at times. Though getting by. I have a half day tomorrow at work, so that will be a nice change. I hope to hear from you soon. I really appreciate your support. I will  write more on the weekend when I have more time.

Big Hug.

Mathew xxx  

[Mares73]

My dear Matthew how are you? I've thought of you lots. What happened about the other job? And did you go to therapy-how did you find it? I'm sorry & I feel for you that your struggling a bit more lately. Be great if we could meet up-i have a dream of it happening one day. You are so strong to cope with so much on your own. You don't have support yet you keep fighting back at the demons  in your mind. Yes you are really special. I look forward to hearing what's happening in your life in more detail. Love Mary xx

[Damaged]

Hey Mary.

Always good to hear from you. Your posts always make me feel a bit less alone.

I am doing ok today. I am still having quite a few down times lately. I just have to keep reassuring my self that things will get better. Sometimes it can be hard and depression just gets the better of me. Though I am trying.

I agree it would be great if we could meet some day. I have looked at some support groups in my area that have meetings. I might get around to going one day. I think it could be a bit intimidating having to meet in a group though.

I have decided not to leave my work just now. Mainly cause I wasn’t offered enough to leave, and I have a new boss now which isn’t that bad. The money still isn’t great though so I will look again in the new year. Which isn’t that far away.

How are you going anyway? How are things at home? Is the puppy doing ok? I will post again soon, I have got a few things to do before the sun goes down. Hope to hear back from you soon.

Huggs

Mathew xx

[Mares73]

My dear Matthew you really have been in my thoughts to the point I'll be doing something & a sudden thought pops in my head thinking "I order how Matthews going". It's a strange thing but all my life I've had thoughts of different people who I'm close to come into my mind at times I later find out they were going through something or not having the best time. God that sounds kinda negative-i wish you weren't having such a rough time but I sense like me it's a matter of putting one foot in front of the other & getting through what needs to be done. The desire for the elusive happiness is so strong. I don't have high needs-just wish for a simple feeling - happy or able to have a good laugh instead of a cry! Hey I also wanted to ask you about that new series "orange is the newbblack"-it sounds like something I'd really like but I don't have foxtel-do you think there would be series one on DVD yet? I'm craving some good TV or a movie. I never saw "Sin City" but there's a sequel out at movies, don't know if it's ours sort of thing but if I get too bored I'll go see it. What are some of your favorite movies or TV series-i think we'd like similar stuff & I'd appreciate any recommendations? Now to work-does your boss know you applied for another job? I hoped he might raise your salary or improve your conditions if he knew he might lose you. It's a tough job market. Matthew I keep wanting to say to you that for all the ways you criticize yourself-you are wrong my friend. You are coping alone in a job you've way outgrown that takes so much of your energy for a lower end salary, you are managing to live alone & motivate yourself to do what you have to, your paying a mortgage to get longer term security & you don't sound like you've got much support or a social life. I might check out facebook.You are a fighter & have so much courage. 

Do you have brothers or sisters I forgot? How old were you when you first had depression & was therea trigger? Sorry you may have said before but i wanted to remember. Are you relatively fit & healthy? Is your background Australia? I'm curious to learn more so I'll leave you with all my questions and as always look forward to hearing from you. Love & hugs X Mary

[Mares73]

Hi Matthew thank you so much for your support by writing on my thread. I will get Orange is the new black. My favorite movies or TV is drama or crime. Like you I actually hate romantic comedies & would never go to see one! Re your upbringing & your Dad's drinking & anger-i grew up in the same type of family. His drinking came before anything & I had a tough childhood as when drunk he'd abuse me physically & sexually. We'd have to survive on charity handouts for food as he'd drink all money & when I was 12 & my mum got advanced breastfeeding cancer we had to move to housing commission in Macq Fields & growing up there was so tough & isolating. I left school at 14 due to the stuff with the Priest & got a clerical job in city & even though I could only afford cheap clothes ie kmart-id get off the bus near home at night & be surrounded by groups that wanted to intimidate or fight me-simply because I worked & they were all on benefits into drugs etc. The intimidation we awful. We had no more than anyone in such a poverty area but they must have had a warped idea I thought I was better than them cause I worked. They were such tough years surrounded by hard people with constant domestics & rough angry men. Then as I think you know I moved out at 19 into a share house in Inner city & married first boy I ever met. Cried the night before as I knew I was just wanting security & I think it was a result of escaping my family rather than experiencing true love. I get sad when I think I've never felt what it's like to be loved just for who I am. I hold a lot of feelings inside but I know deep down my regrets & the truth. Like you its wanting to feel the elusive happiness, I'm not someone who wants the wprld, I just want to experience that feeling of being truly happy & content inside. Guess I keep hoping & searching. I know your having a rough time but Matthew you should be proud of your courage & strength. You keep fighting the demons-you hold down a full on job, you pay a mortgage & your doing it all alone without anyone to really share or better to listen & support you. You don't give up & I admire your strength so much.i guess we all need a sense of hope to keep us going & I hope you can hold onto that. You are such a special guy, have you had any serious relationship s? It's a matter of where to meet someone special & I know that's hard. I'm really grateful for our friendship & I'm thinking of you today & hope to hear from you soon. Much love, Mary x