How do I bring it up with my girlfriend?

[Shalom1995]

Me and my girlfriend are both Christians. We were at Uni the other day and she pressed me on why I always barley study. I haven't spoken to her about depression but I mentioned that I have ADHD but I got cleared for it awhile ago so I could join the military. I think I may still have it cause I always struggle to concentrate, however I'm no doctor or anything. That was what I told her and her advice is to pray about it.

Now I do pray, I pray a lot. But I've been praying for a long time, I mean a solid year of praying at every meal, every day. I pray every single night to help. But nothing's happened. I haven't gotten any better.

Now I know the first step to helping myself is talking about it to my girlfriend, however she has lived a very sheltered life and I just don't think she understands at all where I am right now.

How can I talk to her.

I know this is just me been delusional but I'm always scared that if I talk to her and she sees my depression she won't love me anymore.

It would be greatly appreciated if someone may have some advice for me.

Thank you and kind regards.

[therising]

Hi Shalom1995

I've found there are many components to 'love'. I think we gradually discover more and more of them as we go along through a relationship. I suppose the old style vows reflect what it means to love. To find the ability to love in sickness and in health, in times of wealth or poverty and so on is a test of how deeply we can gradually come to love in many different ways. Loving our partner enough to want to know them at a deeper level, regarding their struggles, should be a part of a healthy relationship.

I once questioned what love means to me, based on me wondering what it is that leads me to love my 2 kids in such an incredibly deep way. The revelation that helped me define love: Love is found in evolution. A longing to help another evolve through their struggles, so that they can find the best in themself, is an incredible thing. To love one's self is about investing in our own evolution (aka loving our self to life). Sometimes, to help someone evolve, there needs to be an education. The education can come down to better understanding how they feel, what their perception is like, the reasons for their struggles and more. Her loving you in the ways you need her to may involve an education for her. Btw, reading a fascinating book at the moment called 'Healing ADD' by Dr Daniel Amen. While the book is about ADHD, he's chosen to put ADD into the title for a reason which is revealed in the book and while 'Healing' also appears in the title, it's more about gaining an understanding of and managing the many factors that can be attributed to creating the disorder side of things. It's an incredible education.

Prayer's an interesting thing. Personally, I'm a gal who was raised Catholic, so I understand prayer from a Catholic or Christian perspective. These days, at 52, I'm simply a spiritual person. I found the difference between how I was led to see prayer, compared with how I use prayer nowadays, is quite different. While originally prayer was about simply praying to God, these days it's more about listening to what comes to mind during prayer/meditation. Perhaps you're already do this. For example, you might pray 'I don't know what to do' when suddenly what comes to mind could be 'Go on Beyond Blue' or you could be praying 'Should I tell my partner about the struggles I'm facing?' when what comes to mind might be 'She needs to know'. It's kind of like it going from a one way channel (channeling out the question or problem we have) to being a 2 way channel, where the solution comes to mind through prayer. Many people have many different ways of entering into prayer/meditation. Before meditating on a solution, opening a channel with the sign of the cross, deep calm breathing, an open mind and maybe even a small candle is how some do it. Many solutions can enter into a calm and open mind during a period of time we call prayer.

[Bob_22]

Hi Shalom 1995,

Welcome to the forums. I can understand a little bit about where you're coming from. I'm Christian but don't pray regularly. I also have depression. Prayer is great but it doesn't restrict you from seeking treatment for your  mental health issues such as ADHD or depression. It is best to combine prayer with appropriate professional help. This would be approaching your GP and discussing whether you need to see a psychologist, counsellor or psychiatrist for medication. Lack of concentration is also a big symptom of depression (especially in my situation) so you may find that it is tied together. Regardless, addressing your depression and ADHD should be your focus. 

I understand why you would be afraid of disclosing your depression to your girlfriend. I generally don't talk about it with girls I date unless I feel VERY comfortable with them. I feel like there's stigma and part of me expects myself to be this stoic, strong male type for a boyfriend. It is obviously up to you when you decide to talk about things but it might perhaps be better to wait until you start to address some of your depressive symptoms and you might find that fear of judgement is tied into that as well (it definitely was a depressive symptom for me). Then you might find it easier to open up about it as you have taken proactive steps to address it. Alternatively, you can discuss it now which is beneficial as she could be another support person for you on your recovery journey. There's no real wrong answer. It's up to you ultimately and when you feel it's appropriate but don't feel pressure either way. 

Hope that helps a bit.

Bob