Hollow shell

[Butterbumps]

Hey readers, sorry for bothering you with this nonsense but I feel as though I won't be able to get a good night's rest unless I type or write my thoughts out.

For a year or so now, I've felt completely uninspired and unmotivated to do things. I used to be very driven and ambitious (performing well in uni, making an effort with hobbies), almost to compensate for my social life which has always been very lacking (I was bullied badly in school and have been withdrawn ever since, I'm in my late 20's now). My confidence is really lacking and I'm too fearful of opening up to people, mainly because I feel I'll eventually be dumped as a friend for being boring (I lack a lot of general knowledge as I've felt a lot of information pointless), lacking talent (didn't pick up anything as a kid and never stuck with any hobby for long enough) or weird (although some key people in my life support my sexuality, I still don't feel comfortable at all about letting strangers know that I'm gay). I feel like I don't deserve to be confident as I don't look the part, am too awkward and weak of wit.

I've been trying to build myself up instead of just moping. A sports club has provided me with some good friendships and an exercise routine however eventually the awkward social interactions between club members has driven me away. I volunteer too which has given me some purpose and perspective, although there is still the social anxiety come every shift. I've been reading books everyday to get some ideas and inspiration, even though this hasn't been terribly fruitful (some novels do excite me though).

My current job is quite decent but I've started to mentally check out from it and am now laying the foundations for another career which I'm not even sure I'll be able to mentally pull through with. I'm in a loving relationship already but I'm always wondering if I'm just letting my partner down by being such a weak person.

I feel as though my social skills probably factor greatly in my problem, especially as I'm getting older and start to fear missing out on experiences. My lack of interest might not actually be a lack of interest but rather dismissing any activity which might possibly put me awkward social situations or that rely on the company of others to enjoy.

Sorry if I contradicted myself (or if none of it made sense) but can anyone who can understand share some insight? Would love to hear if you managed to get your life on track. Thanks.

[Meowface]

Hi butterbumps - welcome to the forums. I am so imprsssed that you joined a sports club - ive never had the confidence to do that (but I am a bit unco at sports haha). But if it didn’t feel like the right fit then I think you did the right thing to walk away. You tried and that’s awesome but don’t waste time on something your not enjoying. Stay positive and it’s exciting you are thinking about another career and definetly keep thinking about what you want to be doing. Also keep up the reading - I think that’s a great way to keep your mind open to new ideas.

You talk about feeling really different to how you have before - have you sought treatment for depression or thought about speaking to a counsellor or psychologist? I’ve found talking to someone really helpful for getting clearer with my thoughts and becoming more aware of my choices/patterns. I hope this helps and your not alone - there’s a lot of us here who feel a bit out of the ordinary so it’s a safe space 😊

[Birdy77]

Hi Butterbumps 😊

I also wanted to join Meowface in welcoming you here.

You write so well! Even though the subject of your post was explainibg your feelings of apathy and unmotivation, i enjoyed reading the way you described everything, your interesting and varied choice of descriptors and your general vibe. You have a way with words! You certainly don't sound to be "weak of wit".

I'm so glad to hear you are in a loving relationship, that's such a bonus, but i hear your fears around that. Is your partner aware of these feelings you've been having about unmotivation and kinda mentally checking out from your work etc?

I'm sorry you feel uncomfortable being out around strangers. I hope in time you will feel free to be you in all your awesome glory and let your light shine 😊.

It sounds exciting that you are laying foundations for a new career, that takes courage, and even though you don't know if it will work out, you never know until you try.

Like Meowface, I've found it very helpful to talk to an outsider (counsellor) to try to clarify what the heck is going on inside my head and try to get back on track with things.

Anyway, i can really relate to your feelings, and i hope writing it out gave you some headspace last night to have some restful sleep. You didn't contradict yourself, you expressed yourself beautifully.

I hope you'll come back and talk some more.

🌻birdy

[Butterbumps]

Thank you for your reply!

To be honest, I still like the sport and often think about going back to training. It's just that some of the interactions between members is somewhat unpleasant and I'm quite sensitive to any awkwardness in a social setting (maybe it's a strong sense of not wanting to be disliked). I suppose I could join another club but there's a lot of politics involved with this sport and the community is very tight-knit. I really believe I overthink things and perhaps have a bit too much pride.

I've been prescribed antidepressants by a doctor (who was quick to diagnose me with depression when I told him I lacked energy) and while those pills has some affect on focus (at least I thought they did), they robbed me of sleep so I threw them away after a few weeks.

I had been talking to a psychologist about some matters which have been affecting my confidence and self-esteem and that provided some relief when I needed it the most. I suppose my concern is being dependent on these professionals who aren't terribly affordable and only offer a temporary salve. I had stopped seeing one after about half a year, perhaps I should've stuck with the person for longer?

[Butterbumps]

Thank you for your reply!

I share everything with my partner (including my negative and often repetitive thoughts) and he's very supportive of me. I think he can relate to my work experiences as well (uncertainty about direction etc).

The prospect of a new career is terrifying but I think the change needs to be happen since I can't imagine only doing one type of job in my entire life (there's nothing wrong with people who do this but staying in one place just doesn't suit me).

I have benefited from speaking to a psychologist in the past but I stopped seeing one regularly for the reasons in my other post. Maybe I should touch base with one from time to time while I work through the solutions?

[Birdy77]

Hi Butterbumps,

I'm really pleased to hear you have good communication with your loving partner, that really is such a positive underlying support in your life.

You mentioned feeling as though talking to a psychologist was a temporary salve and that you did not want to become dependent upon them. I think your idea of maybe going back (or finding a new one) & touching base from time to time while you work through some things sounds like a good plan.

I guess, ideally, talking to a professional can be more than just a temporary salve ... ideally it can provide an opportunity to dig down and get to the root of the issues and heal those wounds that continue to impact on our lives and manifest themselves in annoying ways eg low self-esteem, social anxiety etc. Which can be liberating, rather than making us dependent.

I understand your feelings about joining groups, i can't stand all the political stuff and the cliques that go on, stops me from joining things like that too.

Do you do things socially together with your partner? Or do you avoid that becsuse you're not comfortable being "out" yet? I just thought maybe having your partner there with you might help as a buffer initially to the awkwardness? Just a thought.

How are things going with your job plan?

Hope to hear back from you, sorry for my delayed reply.

🌻birdy