Highly Sensitive People (HSP)

[white knight]

Are you sensitive? If so you might be in the range of a HSP. Studies show up to 15-30% of people could fall into this category. And I thought I was alone!

Have you had the comments

”you should toughen up”

”don’t be so sensitive”

Yet these people don’t realise that your sensitivity is part of you, your personality. It’s like you suggesting they grow shorter as “you are too tall” How absurd.

Sensitive people have strong inner feelings, can be creative in things like writing, like to help other people or animals and generally care deeply in their convictions.

So people that criticise us are in effect bullying us to be someone we are not. If possible stand up for yourself because sure as yabbies bite your toes, if you don’t then you’ll be walked over.

We cant all be without sensitivity, we can’t all be low in emotion... not everyone is a highly sensitive person, if they were they’d understand how our world is full of inner feelings and also wonderful in a strange way because we “feel” and that my friend is priceless...

TonyWK

[Frangepani]

Hi Tony kw i found your posts very helpful as I am an extreme empath who finds it very difficult to dissociate from other peoples energies.

[therising]

Hi TonyWK

I've found being a highly sensitive person means you're going to sense a lot of irresponsible people. Take for example someone who triggers you and then insists you 'Settle down' because they don't want to take any responsibility for your upset. They don't want to face it. I admit, this is like a red rag to a bull for me, the phrase 'Settle down'. It's kinda like 'Oh no princess, you worked me up and now you want me to settle down. You're not getting out of it that easily' 🙂 After insisting you settle down, they may also insist 'You're way too sensitive. You need to toughen up a little'. Grrr! So, you've got the initial emotional trigger, a 2nd trigger (settle down) and now this 3rd trigger (you're way too sensitive...). By this stage you can be feeling completely out of control. The 'Way too sensitive...' comment is, again, the other person not taking any responsibility for being insensitive. They've handed responsibility back to you.

I suppose the question becomes about whether we want to lead someone to become more conscious or not. You can say to the person who's upsetting you 'Have you considered what would lead me to feel so much upset, regarding your initial comment? Can you imagine why it's upset me so much?'. Two very different responses

1. 'I'm sorry. I never really considered it from your point of view. I'd be upset too, now that I think about it'
2. 'It's not my fault you're over sensitive. Gee, don't take it so personally!'

The first person has opened their mind in favour of raising their consciousness, in service to you and themself. The second person's mind remains closed in favour of what works for them. They simply serve themself. What works for them is not taking responsibility for the upset they lead others to feel. The ability to feel the upset of others is something they have no interest in mastering. For a highly sensitive person, they typically don't have to work on developing this ability. It just comes naturally, feeling so intensely.

So, to someone who says to us 'You're way too sensitive. You need to toughen up', the ideal response may be 'Damn right I'm sensitive. How do you think I'm able to sense inconsiderate people. It's not my fault I have this ability. Have you ever considered it is perhaps a fault of yours, ignoring the opportunity to develop this ability in yourself?' 🙂

[therising]

Hi Frangepani

To be highly empathic is an incredible or super natural ability that can definitely come with a down side. I recall my niece not too long ago mentioning how every time she got to work she'd experience almost overwhelming levels of anxiety. She just couldn't figure out why. There was simply nothing obvious triggering her. She had to work it out, as it was becoming exhausting. I asked her if there was anyone she worked with who was stressed. She smiled with the realisation that everyone at work was highly stressed. She realised she could feel the stress she was walking into every time she got to work. It wasn't her anxiety she was feeling.

While being an empath can be physically challenging because you can naturally feel so much, it can also be mind altering as it challenges the way we think, sometimes creating a torturous form of internal dialogue like 'What's 'wrong' with me? Why am I so sensitive (when sensitivity is seen as a fault or a defect)?' and the list goes on.

The second you acknowledge such sensitivity as an ability that you may need to turn the volume down on, perception can change. Different empaths have different ways of managing the volume or how loud they're feeling things. Hope that makes sense. One of the ways to turn the volume down involves opening up a channel for inspiration. I hope the following makes sense, as it's kind of difficult to explain. Just say you have a friend who's been suffering through isolation due to lockdowns. You can feel her pain, her stress/anxiety, her confusion, her hopelessness etc. Imagine meditating on consciously opening a channel for inspiration to come in. You're inviting inspiration the second you open your mind. By the way, inspiration can't enter a closed mind. So, with a now open mind, what suddenly comes to it from out of the blue is 'Walk to the shop together to get a cup of coffee. Coffee is the goal and nothing else. The goal is not to calm down, it's just to focus on obtaining the coffee. Lead her to smell the coffee, in her mind. Lead her to taste it, in her mind. Lead her to feel the cup in her hand, simply in her mind. Now, suggest you make it real'. So, with all this natural inspiration coming to mind from out of the blue, your attention becomes divided. While you're meditating on what comes to mind you're only half feeling.

May sound weird but imagine being given a super power with no instruction manual. The quest for instructions becomes key to developing your super power 🙂

[Frangepani]

Hi therising thankyou for replying back to me what you said was very insight and I feel the same way. I am a very sociable person I never use to be I guess you could say the experiences in our lives either makes you or breaks you and believe me I've come close to break a few times but I believe the experiences that I've endured in my life is not going to define who I am. I feel that being an extreme empath has allowed me to be a doormat and let people walk all over me but now I'm saying no enough is enough I deserve better its taken me a while to get here and its only through sheer hard work that I've been doing on myself that my life has turned around and also because of my faith which I feel strongly about take care terising

[white knight]

Hi Frangepani

HSP is an extremely difficult problem for us and those living with us or dealing with us eg workplace. I can give you examples for myself and hope you can relate.

I decide to do a good deed. I ask my wife is she'd like a coffee from our brand new barista. Yes please she says. I make it and serve it, she says "thanks". A few sips later she says "its too strong, I get a reaction from it when its that strong". Immediately I feel hurt (like crying inside as men often feel). 10 seconds goes by I react- "well you can go and put more hot water in it then". After a few minutes of what feel like a chemical has invaded my brain, I leave to seek out peace outside. The hurt continues only now she is also hurt because I've taken exception to her comments. Let analyse this.

My side- Firstly I explain later (as I have numerous times) that my hurt is automatic and immediate but often more likely when I'm tired. Apart from the "thanks" there is no further signs of appreciation from her that accompany the facts she is saying "its too strong". I explain to her that had she added some words like "great effort on the coffee honey but I'm sorry its too strong, I'll go and get some more hot water in it". All would have been good. I feel there isnt enough gratitude shown.

Her side- She says she only is speaking facts. "its too strong..." so I shouldnt take offence at facts. She says I storm off and get upset too easily.

Further discussion opened floodgates because I challenge her on the words "stormed off". What else could I do but to walk away? When feeling such upset there is no way I can sit in the same place and brood. I have to change my environment. During this discussion she made a point "you always get so upset and it hurts me". I made a point that this sensitivity is not containable, not avoidable, part of my make up. "So what do you suggest I do under the circumstances"? No answer forthcoming.

Now, I have a lot of insight so I suggest to her that the actual problem lies 80% on me as my sensitivity is not her fault and must be hard to live with. I also suggest that 20% could be levelled at her because stating mere facts can be taken negatively, a criticism, where if she added some pleasantries it could avoid the clash.

Here is a thread I'd like to see what you think about it

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/want-to-be-a-hermit-

Thanks again this is interesting

TonyWK

[Frangepani]

Hi white knight i totally get and understand where your coming from. It extremely hurts for me personally where I felt it would be better if I wasn't here list I would be at peace and I wouldn't be such a problem to everyone else. I wanted to say this only my opinion and it is coming from the experiences in my life which haven't been great by any means. I have been doing a lot of intense personal development work on myself over the last 6 months in lockdown and im so grateful that I was giving this opportunity because it has made me the person I am now which is a hell of a lot stronger than what I ever use to be. I can say that I actually stand up for myself never could have done that 6 months ago. I did the work because I want an amazing life and now I know I deserve it after so much pain and suffering I choose to not have that in my life anymore I've had enough. Im not going to let anyone stop me dont care who they are even family of following my dreams. I hope this resonates with you and that it can help you in anyway. I wish you well all the best take care of yourself reach out again by all means if I can help in anyway to share my story I will.

[therising]

Hi Frangepani

You're an inspiration with all that hard work and progress. I don't think a lot of people realise how much hard work is involved in being a highly sensitive person. The work involved in learning how to

• master your feelings
• not be depressed by depressing degrading people or stressed by stressful energy zapping people
• analyse carefully in favour of gaining greater self control
• develop parts of you that have been virtually non existent for years. You mention in so many words 'the intolerant self'. The intolerant self can be an incredibly healthy aspect to develop. It's the part that insists 'You are no one's doormat. You gotta let 'em know that'. It's often overridden by our 'people pleasing' side until it begins to fully come life. Not sure if the development of your intolerant self has led you to cop a few labels like 'Difficult', 'unreasonable', 'bi*ch' etc. People tend to not like it when you stop pleasing them all the time 🙂

The list goes on when it comes to the hard work that takes place with self development. It's work that can take years, when there's not a lot of solid guidance and you're working most of it out for yourself. There's a sense of pride that comes with this kind of work, a sense of pride that comes with saying 'I'm raising myself. I'm reaching higher levels of consciousness through my own hard work'. No one can take that away from you. The fact that you can be raising yourself while people are trying to keep you on a level that's comfortable for them can feel like a battle at times, leading to a lot of self doubt. I believe getting beyond the self doubt and realising you are coming to know who you naturally are...well...there's no feeling like it. I think one of the toughest parts of coming to know who you naturally are involves the part where you have to consciously set boundaries and even burn bridges in some cases, so as to graduate to the next level of self development.

Keep on graduating Frangepani 🙂

[therising]

Hi TonyWK

I get where you're coming from with the coffee incident. Some people can't fully relate to feeling words so intensely. Most people more so relate to hearing them and that's it. Someone could say, such as your wife or my husband 'I was just stating a fact (for you to mentally process, relate to and take action over)'. When our initial offering/good deed, no matter how small, comes from the heart, their words can feel kind of heartbreaking. If nothing we did came from the heart there would be no heartbreak for us to feel.

I can imagine you wouldn't have felt your wife's words so much if she had have said 'Thanks' taken a sip and followed up with 'I wonder why they make the coffee so strong here'. A very different approach to 'The gift you brought me is not good enough'.

A highly sensitive person is typically a thoughtful person. I imagine you're deeply thoughtful. I imagine you're conscious regarding how people feel your words therefore I imagine you choose your words carefully in a lot of cases. I wonder if you can relate to the following. My husband may say 'I have to be careful with pretty much everything I say to you'. I used to take this comment personally, thinking I was 'too delicate', now not so much. Now my response tends to be 'Yes, full of care is preferable, rather than careless'. Strange to think about but practicing being full of care leads to it becoming effortless. Practice makes perfect 🙂

I've discovered it's quite easy to get someone to relate to consciously feeling words, so they can see where I'm coming from. All I have to do is choose words they'd be able to feel. It can be so intensely challenging to undertake this exercise, as you don't want to lead someone to feel down but the goal, in this case, is to get them to know what it's like to feel words. Of course, they have to be in agreement to do this exercise for things not to be taken personally. To say words that they feel hit their chest which then zoom down to their gut can give them an idea of what it's like for us. For them to feel words that hit their chest and then rise up to their throat is another one. There are even words that you can feel taking your breath away. Another part of the exercise can involve leading some to feel words raising them/their spirits. Words can be such a mental, physical and soulful experience.

Bit of a twist when you can say to someone 'It's not my fault I can feel words, it actually points to my ability', an ability not everyone has 🙂

[white knight]

Hi the rising

You've not only hit the nail on the head, you've blown me away with your posts.

In the last 9 years I've written no less than 300 thought pieces/new posts/topics and some members might have the impression my insight and capabilities cover all areas of my needs. Not so, like others I have little knowledge in some areas and crave it, but I know myself well and know that I could read an entire book and not "get it".

Your comments on "feeling words" has the clarification I needed. Once we learn these lessons as to why we think differently, then we can move on to the next step.

Thankyou so much my dear fellow member.

Yes, I'm the thoughtful type. Always considerate and concerned for others feelings. The lesson? Not everyone has that capacity.

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi TonyWK

One of my favourite feelings is feeling myself graduate through a revelation. Sometimes a revelation is so profound it's chilling. You know, when something gives you a chill. Recall mentioning to someone how when I get a chill I associate it with a truth that speaks to my soul, you could say. Kind of like there's a part of you that can feel when something 'rings true'. The chill is like a 'ringing'. I love that feeling. When I mentioned this to them, their response was 'Ooh, I just got a chill' 🙂

I smile when I think of my rather extensive library of 'self help' books. Probably 3 quarters I accumulated throughout my years in depression and the rest after coming out of those 15 or so years. It's interesting what you say about reading something and not being able to get it or relate to it. It's weird how I can go back to read a book I read during my depression (which made no difference then) and now it reads very differently. How is that possible? I spoke to someone once about this phenomena and they offered clarity. A book will be relatable at different points of our graduation when it comes to self understanding and understanding our connection to life. I suppose it's kind of like you can give a year 7 a VCE textbook and they won't be able to relate to it. As the year 7 graduates through a process of greater understanding, from years 7 through to 11, once they get to year 12 that textbook finally becomes relatable. It's the vital missing pieces of information that can make a book unrelatable. Hope that all makes sense.

I've found that being sensitive has led me to recognise the need to develop other abilities. The ability to be more wonderful (more full of wonder) is a must. Wonder can stop me from reaching false depressing conclusions. Wonder opens the mind as opposed to closing it firmly around false depressing beliefs. Wonder can be liberating. For example, you can have someone say to you 'You're absolutely hopeless. You're a complete loser'. Of course, being sensitive enough to feel this comment can be mind altering. It can lead the mind to perhaps believe 'They're right', especially if said to us enough times to become convincing. Cue wonder. 'I wonder what would lead this person to be so depressing. I wonder why they have no filter, why they have no self control. I wonder why they are not inspirational. I wonder what their problem is'. You may reach the conclusion: I am not a loser. I am wonderful and they have a serious problem 🙂