High functioning depression? What is this?

[Alicia1994]

Hi all,

Im a 24 year old from Sydney. I work full time, have a loving partner and am known for having a bubbly friendly personality. What most people don’t see is that when I’m alone I become a different person at times - I become very sad, quiet, insecure and cry a lot.

Ive always had this problem but it became worse when I had an autoimmune attack at 23 and was told I would likely develop MS in the next few years. At this point I experienced my first feelings of hopelessness and depression as I believed I wouldn’t be able to work anymore and support myself.

Although I’ve now recovered from the attack, I can’t shake off this feeling of hopelessness. I feel mostly negative about all situations in life and experience very large mood swings throughout each day. I’ll feel positive when I have to put a front on at work and then as soon as I’m alone on my lunch break I get those feelings of emptiness and loneliness. I get terrible negative thoughts about myself, how terrible I am and how I’ll never amount to anything in life with MS holding me back.

I get anxious in social settings and although I feel lonely I always avoid socialising as I tell myself that no one wants to be around me.

I can’t explain my feelings properly to anyone because my moods change so rapidly and I almost forget the details of how I feel or what I think when I’m in this bad state. So every time I go to talk to a counseller, I feel like I’m not getting much out of it because I’m not able to explain exactly what I’m feeling. I also have trouble expressing myself which makes me downplay my emotions when I talk about them.

i don’t know what to do because I’m stuck in this predicament where I feel so low at certain times and feel like there’s no one or nothing that can help me. When I feel okay I just avoid bringing it up all together so I don’t bring back those emotions. People in my family and friendship group always call me dramatic all the time so I feel like I’m burdening them by talking about how I feel or they simply will think I’m exaggerating. I feel embarrassed speaking to anyone I know about this which is why I’ve come here.

does anyone have any advice on what I should do?? Right now I’m very down and I feel very hopeless about everything in my life. I’m tired of hating myself and my thoughts are so painful to deal with sometimes as I’m constantly putting myself down and beating myself up. I just don’t know where to even begin. This is my best attempt at explaining my emotions.

[smallwolf]

Alicia1994,

Hey. Welcome.

I was about to go to bed, and then I saw your post and something in it resonated with me. I have been seeing a psychologist for nearly a year now and I still not very good at telling her how I feel. I think that you have done a good job explaining you feel. Why? Because I think that it is very hard to explain to another person what it is to feel empty, alone, etc. You said that you felt embarrassed. Me, I though that what I was feeling was normal; that everyone experienced these feelings of being down.

I never know what will happen each day. Some days start good and end bad. Other days can be the other way around.

On expressing yourself with your counseller... I use numbers to describe how I am feeling. In a range of 0 to 10, where 5 is balanced, neither happy nor sad. But I typically rate myself < 5. But I have also resorted to using google when I need to find words to describe things. And typically what I do with my psych is that I will her that I will answer that question next session. I actually send her an email before the next session. But that gives me time to prepare a proper answer. The most recent example is when I wrote a mini-essay on why I crave certainty. I won't use google to self-diagnose, but I will use it find words to use when I have to fill out worksheets and have to use emotional words. But I am also emotionally inhibited - found that one out today.

The last thing that I wanted to mention to you was in relation to MS. I have 2 sister-in-laws with MS. Both take medication, and both live normal lives. There are days when they are fatigued or more prone to sickness. Yet both are married (duh) and have kids of their own, and if you didn't know them you probably would not be aware they had MS. Years down the track it may become more obvious.

Do you get any homework from your counseller? What methods are they using? CBT? ACT? Something else? Do you have any distraction or coping tools?

On the forums you should be able to find threads related to

• grounding
• meditation
• relaxation
• mindfulness

Maybe have a look at those threads and see if anything there helps? If you have any questions or want to chat... Btw, writing a journal can also help as well as maintaining a positives and gratitude journal. They are different things. Anyway, hope you have a good weekend...

Tim

[Alicia1994]

Hi Tim,

Thanks for your quick response. Appreciate you sharing your own story and advice with me. I’m happy to hear that your sister and laws and both doing well and living life normally with MS. It is encouraging to hear positive stories.

i will start keeping a journey of my mood swings and thoughts from now on. The number idea is also great too. I already can’t remember my exact thoughts from last night’s episode which reiterates my need to start a journal.

Thank you for your advice again and I wish you all the best with your health and wellness journey.