Here We Go Again!

[Bobbi]

It's been a while since I wrote a post on here (hear the guilt?). Depression has set in so far for over 2 weeks. Today is one of the worse days. I have housework to do, I need to order medication, I need sleep, I need to have a shower and so on and so on. The guilt and lethargy seems to be ruling my day today.

I know lack of sleep (caused by fibromyalgia) is playing an integral part in the depression hanging around and yet I don't like feeling like I sleep all the time. I feel more guilty when I do sleep during the day even though I know its imperative for my health.

I am struggling to do anything much at all. Even eating...again, imperative for my health.

I have these tools I usually use when I am depressed and I don't even feel like using those. My brain is saying, put off the washing up until later, its not going anywhere. No one is coming over today, you don't need to shower right now. Take the rubbish out tonight when no one is around. Order the medication tomorrow, you have enough to last you 3 more days.

Wow, just typing this down makes me feel even more guilty and more self critical. It makes me feel like I'm drowning and there's no steps on the side of the deep, dark pool. There's nothing under my feet to stand on. It's just dark and cold and dark and lonely and did I mention dark?

Now for the tools.....

Sitting at my desk is not going to help me to achieve what I need to do to help myself and no one else can do the things I need to. So first things first, set 1 or 2 goals for the day. My goals today are to do the washing up and to have a shower. Will I feel less depressed after doing these things? Probably not but at least there will be 2 things I've done that need doing.

I also need to eat lunch and get something out for dinner. These are necessities to live and so do not go on my goal list.

After doing the dishes, I'm going to reward myself by watching a movie.

So on that note, I'm going to go make lunch. It's 1.10 pm here and the longer I sit and do nothing, the less likely it is that I will eat and/or achieve my goals.

I hope you all have as best day as you can.

[meatloaf]

Hi Bobbi

you could have been writing about me! I know exactly what you are talking about...today I haven't gotten out of my pjs or written in my mood diary ( something my pysch has me doing) I'm also supposed to set goals and can't even do that some days...it all feels hopeless and like a waste of time doesn't it.....

doing one thing is better than nothing no matter how small so well done

best wishes

xx

[deprees8]

dont think you are the only one that experiences this. today myself i feel like it. the morning started out great but after an appiontment it feels as if i have been talking to a brick wall and its my first appiontment! i have to say that since feb i have been doing great but i feel as if i am in for a few bad days and i have to go out and be there or my payments will stop. its extra hard when you are down. i always say to myself tomorrow is going to be a better day and if its not i always go back in time to when it was positive and i feed of those thoughts. i hope you will feel better. As i say if you are still alive. LIVE IN THE MOMENT.

best wishes

[pipsy]

Hi Bobbi. Welcome here to the forums. It's great you found the emotional strength to get online, that's a plus. Getting out of bed to get online (which I assume you did) is another plus, that's two pluses. Put that way, does it make you feel better, hope so. Each thing you do that gets you out of bed is a plus. Even if it's just to lounge on the sofa to watch t.v that's a plus. Look at what needs doing i.e putting out the rubbish, if that's all you achieve, that's another plus. If all you do is the dishes (come and do mine) another plus. If you don't do anything, you're right it doesn't matter. What matters is your view about what you can achieve each day. There are no minuses only minor setbacks that happens to everyone. Pluses are when we do something, setbacks are when it's in the too-hard basket. A set-back is not a negative, it's a set-back. A negative is when we know we can, but we don't because we don't want to. It's a set-back when we can't because we feel ill, tired depressed. Depression stops us from doing, because depression is powerful and can overtake. Reward yourself everytime you achieve, when you don't, take it as a set-back.

Lynda.

[topsy_]

I'd like to say hello to Bobbi, meatloaf & deprees8,

Can I come & join you all cause I feel the same too. So many things need doing but I can only manage 2-3 things. I understand your explanation Sherie of setbacks & a negative, but it's so hard to let myself believe that & not beat myself up.

Bobbi I have trouble with the exact same things - going to the chemist, showering, washing up etc etc. I'm so pleased you mentioned showering - I've been too embarrassed & ashamed to. It's a major battle I rarely win. And stupidly, I do enjoy the shower when I'm in there. But next time is still the same old battle.

Thanks again to the 3 of you. It does help me just to know others have the same struggles.

Best wishes to you all & Sherie, Lyn.

[meatloaf]

I like thinking about not doing something as a setback rather than a negative...I beat myself up daily for feeling 'too lazy to brush my teeth' but I just can't do it sometimes.

imagine if we all met up one day without showering or washing hair brushing teeth...we'd be a very attractive bunch 🙂

not showering / taking personal care of ourselves during depression is very very common...its kind of a relief to know others go through the same

sending you all bubble baths

xx

[Bobbi]

Thank you all so much for your replies. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one going through the same thing. It makes me feel more 'normal' if I know that others are going through it.

It would be great and funny if we all met up somewhere. All in our pj's with bed hair and slippers on. The thought bought half a smile to my face, so thanks, meatloaf (now I'm hungry, thinking about meatloaf lol)

One thing I keep forgetting is to realize how much I have achieved in a day. Getting up out of bed is an achievement. Spending some time with my friends online is an achievement. Making and eating lunch and dinner counts as 2 achievements at least. Oh, and I did the washing up at about 2 am which was a great achievement. I even washed the electric fry pan. That should count for extra. I took my medication on time. I had a snooze for a couple of hours.

So its now 3.20 pm and my goal is to go to bed and get some sleep before the earth rotates so that the sun is shining.

Doctors appointment tomorrow so I will have to get up a little earlier to have a shower. I also lover having a shower but its such an effort, like everything else is. I feel like I'm made of granite (or some heavy stone).

Good night everybody. I hope everyone is sleeping well and restfully.

[Kazzl]

Hi Bobbi and everyone who's posted here. You are by no means alone. I think many of us have those feelings when we're down. I know that internal struggle very well - I should be doing something, but I can't get off the couch, yes you can come on girl, no I can't, maybe after a sleep ... still can't, too much to do, too much to think about, maybe later ... oh bugger it. Then it just goes down and down.

Bobbi you are right in trying to focus on what you have achieved not what you haven't. I have tried over the years to accept that sometimes that's the way things are and to choose just one thing to achieve in a day - nothing huge, maybe just cooking a meal (because I like cooking). I might achieve more, and that's great, but even that one thing is enough to make me feel I still have a little bit of control over myself.

I often suggest to people that they write down their achievements at the end of the day. Even if they are seemingly tiny.

This will pass folks, it will. But when it does, try not to decide you can conquer the world haha. I do that sometimes when I'm back up - set myself a To Do list as long as a highway and not acheve it. Self-defeating, self-sabotaging.

Take care folks - little steps, congratulate yourselves on any achievements and try to keep looking ahead. It will pass.

Kaz

[Bobbi]

Thanks Kazzl for your reply to my post. One of the things I struggle with is feeling like I have some control over my life. What with the depression and fibromyalgia etc., it seems my body/brain does what it wants to whenever it wants and the only thing I can do is to go along for the ride. I'm slowly getting used to listening to what my body is telling me and addressing the symptoms that I can and accepting the symptoms I can do nothing about. The last thing I want to do is start a war against my own body.

I love your idea about writing down our achievements at the end of the day. I've been doing it backwards. Writing a list of all the things that need doing and crossing one or 2 off a day. I'm going to snag that suggestion and start using it instead. Thanks for the idea, Kazzl.

'This will pass' is one of my 'mantra' things I keep trying to remember when things are not good. The other one is 'this is for life'. I know that probably sounds defeatist but it is the reality of my life. Depression will be part of my life on and off forever. Please, if anyone is reading this, don't let this depress you even further. Let me explain. For me, it's about acceptance. Accepting that I have a disability, accepting that I can find alternative ways of doing things. Accepting limitations that the disability create. I have never liked lying to myself about anything. When I do that, I set myself up for disappointment, frustration and depression. I hope that makes sense to someone out there.

Kazzl, I hear you loud and clear on the setting up long To Do lists! I have done that so many times and end up self criticizing and hating myself. Like you said, self-defeating and self-sabotaging.

I just finished telling a friend of mine that today feels like a day that I'm scratching and clawing at the sides of the deep, dark well; trying to stop the downwards slide. The fear and anxiety chemicals are working overtime today.

Goals for today - take the rubbish out and have a shower. Maybe I can work up the motivation to put the clean dishes away too. We shall see about that.

May you have as comfortable day as possible and thanks for the reminders and ideas, Kazzl.

[Kazzl]

Hi Bobbi - how's it going hun?

Kaz