Here - Alive - But - Struggling.

[MiaApollo5]

It makes me angry, it makes me so angry. It makes me feel so small and the world is going to forget me or move on without me. I lost my mum four years ago and I still struggle with it. I can't tell if I was depressed afterwards or even before she passed. She went out one morning for her morning run and at 3am the next day she was found, police knocking at our door. How she passed still traumatises me to this day, it was of no ones intent. But it still sits with me in my mind at often strange times. I remember going to the supermarket that morning with family friends and wondering how I should be screaming. I wanted to scream at these people, I wanted the world to stop because mine had. And there I was buying chocolate croissants when my mum had just died. To this day I struggle to say 'she died' its so harsh and abrupt I usually opted for passed because it sounded so much more peaceful. I was 15 at the time, just starting VCE and felt like a failure because I couldn't focus on studying.

We moved house and with it came the dawning sense of she really never would be coming home. I remember someone knocking on the door at the old house while I slept and in my half-awakedness I thought it was her, I cried long and hard. I remember even three years later police again knocking at the door and it all came back, they were after something or someone else. But my world sank and again I cried long and hard. I still think she will return one day. I still think she's at work and she's late. I remember sitting around the table the night of day we found out us four eating baked beans on toast, but all still hollow in our stomachs.

So here I am now, struggling still. Because I really am. I have spoken to a grief counsellor, someone at headspace, a GP and now someone new. Maybe I'm doing this wrong, but I can't think of a right way to do it. I think when my depression flares it's ruddy head my anxiety flares too. Its new for me this anxiety but it's been gobbling me up whole, I have been crying at work thinking they all hate me and maybe they do. I feel so alone in this and maybe I am. So I guess I want to know what to do, how to do it, where to go, when to do things, whats right, whats wrong and will I ever feel like depression isn't sitting on my shoulders give me a nudge or push when I can take no more.

I know life is worth living and there is beauty in it, I see it in the sun filled fields with morning fog just as I still see her, but I am struggling. I really am.

[white knight]

Hi MA, welcome

I'm sorry you lost your mum. She would be so proud of you right now, how you wrote your post.

You will swing in and out of grief as long as you live, it does reduce in frequency however as our lives develop, new partners, kids maybe, travel and hobbies and sports that are good distractions. Basically force yourself towards distractions- fill your life up- be busy!

One method I adopted since my beautiful dad passed in 1992 was to homour him in some ways. I adopted a "good samaritan" approach to those in need just like dad did. When I help others like you right now, I feel him touching my shoulder "that's good son"...I hear him say.

Google

Beyondblue Topic the good Samaritan

Beyondblue Topic depression- has it taken you to the end?

Beyondblue Topic suicidal thoughts and choices

And some on grief-

Beyondblue Topic coping with grief

Beyondblue Topic crying, let it all out

Now, just read the first post of each. It doesnt take long. My colleagues and I are here if you reply again. We are champions here that have been where you are and have mental health issues so you are not alone.

In the meantime I hope you embrace the concept of the legacy your mum has left in this world- you. Her wishes that you blossom in life, your beauty is not wasted and your life is meant to be productive in every way.

She is proud of you.

TonyWK

[quirkywords]

MiaApallo,

Welcome to the forum.

I was very moved by the honesty and emotion in your post.

Your words touched me and will touch many others reading your post.

My mum died nearly 18 years ago and I miss her but he the gut wrenching grief has passed but I do have moment when I feel her loss intensely.

Tony has given you many helpful suggestions so I wont repeat them.

It does take time and there is no one size fits all grief so you must do what feels right. I am glad you are seeing a counsellor.

There are grief support groups that many find helpful.

You write so well so I wonder if writing down your thoughts may help.

I found when my mum died I missed telling him things so I opened a file Dear Mum, and wrote as often as I needed to. It helped to pour out my feelings and imagine my mum was listening to me.

You are not alone and we are here for you.

Quirky

[Bells88]

hey MiaApollo
i lost my mum 4 years ago too.

i understand this absolute despair - i have nothing helpful to offer but i wanted you to know that it WILL GET EASIER TO HANDLE eventually.
Your mum is with you and would want your happiness above all. I believe truly that souls will be reunited at the end of ends regardless od beliefs and religions. A love so strong it scars our waking hours can't be nothing- it just can't be as trivial as death.

Your mother lives on through you. She is in your eyes, the turn of your mouth when you are angry, the way your cheeks rise ss you smile. Your e impressions