Help with some issues of depression, isolation and no sex

[pretty_green_eyes]

I thought I would give this a go since I have nobody to talk to and I feel as though nobody understands. A few years ago I have found out that I have mixed depression. I always thought it was my normal behavior to get upset, have thoughts about suicide etc.

My father left when I was 5 and has never really been there. Some say he never should of had children. My mother replaced him with a man only weeks after being separated who abused me. I tried to tell my mother and she accused me of lying. I was abused for over 10 years until he went to lay a hand on my mother. My father was never really there and my mother moved us to a different state so we would be further away from him.

In my teenage years I rebelled as I was not allowed to do anything, so I did it. I was constantly drunk, on drugs and having sex with boys. But years later I have left this bad behavior behind. I don’t drink alcohol, don’t smoke and definitely don’t touch drugs.

Some of my family members found out about my depression and anxiety and have told me just to get over it. Nobody knows how it feels to be abused unless you have been though it and one does not simply get over it even if the person is now deceased

I have seen several psychologists which I feel don't do much, I have tried anti depressants and to be honest make me feel even crazier than I am and I cant drive my car on them.

I have a loving partner who I have been with for over a year and two puppies. We have moved 1300 kms away from friends and family leaving me quite isolated. My partner works in mining and works away for two weeks at a time. I would like to meet people but I am not into joining clubs and things as I have anxiety and hate being out of my comfort zone so I work and relax at home.

My partner also suffers from depression after losing a house to his previous girlfriend and also being in a lot of debt. Due to his depression he is unable to get an erection and will not seek help for this. We haven’t had sex in over 6 months which is somewhat frustrating and causes our only arguments from.

From working two weeks straight my partner is always extremely tired when he arrives home. Sometimes too tired even to kiss me or talk to me causing me to feel unloved

I would love some advice on how to deal with these issues

Thanks for listening

[Chris_B]

Hi pretty_green_eyes,

Thanks for joining the forums. I hope you will find some good support here, there are many people online who have experienced abuse in their pasts, and sadly not everyone has family that are as supportive as we would like.

Depression also takes its toll on relationships, sex drive and intimacy. Often men aren't very good at asking for help.  If your partner isn't ready to go to a doctor as yet, perhaps he might like to talk online with other guys who have experienced these issues, it is not uncommon.  The Shed Online is another site that beyondblue is involved with, and it has a very active forum: http://www.theshedonline.org.au/

I'm sorry to hear you haven't found treatment options that have worked for you, sometimes with psychologists you do need to try several before you find someone that you click with, as it's a very personal experience and they all have different approaches. There is a practitioner directory at the top of the page under 'Get support' if you'd like to find someone in your area.

With your partner suffering depression as well, that's going to complicate things. Have you been in touch with Relationships Australia at all?  They have some advice and resources available specifically aroudn the difficulties that come up in relationships in rural and remote areas: http://www.relationships.org.au/relationship-advice/relationship-advice-topics/rural-and-remote-rela...

Making connections online is a good way to get started in overcoming anxiety, I hope you'll stay with us and let us know how you're going.

[Scott_Depression]

Hi Pretty_Green_Eyes

Firstly, well done on posting & taking what I’m sure is a difficult step.

I’m really sorry for the terrible things you’ve been through and hope you improve every day.  NO ONE should be subjected to that awful treatment.  I have 2 girls aged 3 & 7 and the thought of someone abusing them is really upsetting – sorry you’ve been let down in the past.

Glad to hear you’ve got though the rebellious stage and don’t have to deal with substance abuse now.  Leaves us with the depression and anxiety to resolve. 

FYI, I’m 40 and I think I’ve suffered from depression / bi-polar since a teenager, though I never got treatment until I had a mental breakdown due to work stress.  At the lowest point I was suicidal and pretty much staring at walls.  Had Electric Convulsive Therapy (ECT) and after about 5 months off work, eased back into it.  Now about 6 years since this happened and pretty much back to ‘normal’, taking medicine daily and able to find enjoyment in life.  Not looking for feedback or anything on this, just letting you know that although I’ve not been through abuse, I’ve been in dark places and feel you can get through it!

Let’s talk depression & anxiety…. all of this stuff essentially boils down to chemicals in our heads - some of us just don't produce the right chemicals at the right time (just like a diabetic cannot control their own insulin!).  What I'm trying to say is (and you may already know this) is that you need to try not to beat yourself up on this - it's not your fault.  This is NOT your doing - it's something we have to live with, but seek help and support for.  IT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU CAN ‘JUST GET OVER’ – these sorts of comments are completely ignorant of the facts.

Sound like you’ve moved a pretty long way from home – great chance for a fresh approach to tackling these issues.  I don’t mean to sound like a jerk, but this is very unlikely to get better by itself.

There are MANY different medicines available – I went through a few before I got onto one that is right for my brain chemistry.  Maybe one day they’re be some sort of blood test or something that can choose the best for you, but now it’s a matter of getting the best advice possible and giving it a go, then keeping your doctor/psych updated with how you’re doing.

You mentioned you’ve been to a number of psychologists.  As part of the fresh start, I’d recommend you see a psychiatrist instead – they have more qualifications in relation to medications and would be able to better provide the right balance of medications to get you back to feeling good sooner.  Might need to go to your new GP first to get a referral – not sure how it works.  They might want to do some blood tests on you – might find something else that is affecting you adversely.

Glad to hear you & your partner are in a good relationship.  I’d really encourage him to go to GP in first instance for assessment for depression.  If he’s done this sort of assessment before, he might need psych assistance.  You could always go to doctors with him – he could use the support.  Tell him to give it a go – I’d happily discuss direct with him – it unfortunately will likely only get worse untreated.

I have no doubt his sex drive is linked to depression.  There has been more than one time during my marriage to my amazing wife that we’ve been 6+ months between drinks.  Your partner will be in a horrible cycle of not being able to perform, getting down on himself, feeling lousy, unable to perform.  This could also be raised at the doctors visit.  Doctors deal with this all the time.  Never tried Viagra myself, but hear it works a treat – might be good for a birthday/anniversary treat for you both!?

Sorry if I’ve waffled on.  I guess if you take notice of only 1 thing, it’s that you guys are both dealing with your heads being ‘out of tune’ – this is no fault of your own, but treatments are available & should be explored.  Life is too short to feel rubbish!!

Please post again if you’re able

Kind regards

Scott

[Neil_1]

Hi pretty_green_eyes

Can I first say that I really like:   both your name as well as the pic that you've displayed.  I look at that and it sends me to another place ... a very lovely place;  so I can see why you've chosen it.

It is so good that you've made this positive step to come to this site and thank you for providing all that you did in your post.  It helps not only you, as sometimes it does help just to write your thoughts and situation down, but also helps the people on this site to be better equipped with what you're going through, so it might help us better for any advice offered.  One thing you'll receive here is people who are always willing to listen and to respond and to provide 100% support.

Firstly it sounds like you have journeyed to a very remote place and as you've described, with how you're feeling it must be so very isolated and lonely for you.

What kind of puppies do you have?  They will be a tremendous source of help for you, as they love their owners unconditionally and just love affection and will then give affection back as well, in the shape of many many licks.  🙂

Christopher placed a top suggestion with the "look up a practitioner in your local area", as you really sound like you need professional assistance with what you're going through.  Not only that, but the horror that you had to experience when growing up.  As Christopher mentioned, I know of a few others on this site who have had to endure this during childhood years and it's absolutely disgusting that some "thing" can do this to children.  It really turns my stomach and I feel so incredibly sorry for any child that has had to go through that hell.  It is good that you've been able to mention it here ... and yes, those feelings I believe are embedded with you for life.  Things like that cannot be erased from your mind, no matter how much you would like them to be ... it's just a matter of trying the best way to live with it.

And this is where for you to seek out professional help, that will be another big positive step for you to try and assist you with these demons.

Ok, so your partner also suffers depression.  This could be a thing that you could do together in the first instance ... when seeking out a GP to go too.  You could both go together ... but for privacy, if you'd prefer, one go in first, then the other ... it's just a thought ... depending on how far away you might be from your nearest GP.  Sorry I think I went a bit too overboard there with mentioning how you should do the GP thing ... I must sound like a nagging old person ... but I'm not really that old.  🙂

Anyway I'll finish off now and hope that some of what I've written has provided you with a little help.  And please feel free to write back here as often as you feel like it.  We're always here and we'll try to help in anyway we can ... without going overboard with any set methods for attending your GP !  😉 😉

Kind regards

Neil

[Katy100]

((((((((((((((((pretty_green_eyes))))))))))))))))

Just adding a bit to complement the other answers.  

With the childhood abuse (and I'm so sorry this happened to you), you could try talking to someone at a sexual abuse crisis centre.  Most of the counsellors there have been through sexual abuse, so they do understand.  It doesn't matter how long ago it happened.  

On the house and money issues, did your partner see a lawyer?  Has he got some decent financial advice?  Are things improving?  It might help to get a budget together so you can see where you're at.  He could maybe sort something out with the creditors to make things easier to manage.  There are other things he can do, but he'll need to get the figures worked out first.  

SEX!!!  Alright, I'm blushing here, but no-one can see me, so that's ok.  There are a few things you can do ... your partner can still give YOU pleasure ... or, you can ... er ... help yourself.  There are adult "toys" you can buy online.  Is he comfortable talking to you about this issue?  

Friends ... there are a zillion chat boards out there catering to various interests.  I've ended up meeting people who I met and befriended on a chat board.  Are you into any sports or exercise?  I'm thinking of things like swimming or walking - getting you out of the house and in a position where you can meet people on your terms.  

Finally, it must be really hard when your partner comes home and you've been without him for two weeks and he's so tired.  But, how about you change your expectations?  Accept that he's going to get home tired.  Have the bed ready for him, something quick to eat available, give him a quick kiss goodnight and let him sleep.  When he's had a rest ... get some you and him "quality time".  

[Scott_Depression]

Hi Pretty_Green_Eyes

Just checking in to see how you're doing

Take care and post if you can

Kind regards

Scott

[geoff]

dear Pretty_green_eyes, yes it's a beautiful username, well I'm not sure that I can add to all the above comments, boy these boys are always on the ball, and I feel ready to be toppled, sorry, just having a bit of fun. lol.

We do have a lot of people who have been unfairly abused, both sexually as well as verbally, both I absolutely detest, when you are so young, and all for the 1 minute pleasure of an old creep.

There could be several reasons why your partner can not have an erection, 1 is maybe any medication he is taking which could be for his depression, or 2 just plain depression can also cause this, as he doesn't find sex to be stimulating at all, and I'm not blaming you for this.

The medication you have tried could have been SSRI or SNRI which ever one it was then try the other, I had to because I couldn't be sexually stimulated so they changed brands, and this rectified the problem.

I would also try some 'marriage' counselling, I know that may seem to be drastic, but what it does is just brings out any small problem which could be causing the concern.

Mind you I have been divorced for 12 odd years, and well that's another story.

Hope that you can get back to us. L Geoff. x

[Scott_Depression]

Hi again

Hope you're taking care of yourself & are able to read the kind words that these amazing people have left for you.

I know how it feels when you feel everything is going against you and how hard it can be to try yet again when you're already dealing with so much.

Keep in mind that talking about issues and getting advice (whether or not you act on it) rarely makes things worst - most times makes things better

Kind Regards

Scott

[Scott_Depression]

Hi Pretty Green Eyes

Just checking in on you - take care

Scott