Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Is there any way you can find out why the relationship that looked like a strong possibility didn't work out? Perhaps there's someone who knows her who might have some insight, if you don't feel comfortable asking her directly. I can understand your need to put you're mind at ease as well as gaining some clarity for the sake of future relationships.

Both my kids have sage like qualities. I regard them as 2 of my greatest teachers in life. Some time ago, I'd asked my daughter for her take on online dating and she said the chances of her meeting someone online who would accept her for being her are rare, so she wouldn't explore it unless she really felt the need. If she did feel the need, she said she would have to openly reveal not just her good points but also some of her quirks, such as having no interest at all in small talk. This way expectations are more realistic. She'd much prefer to get a feel for the true nature of people when out with friends. Kind of like getting a feel for the chemistry, whether it's there or not. On the other hand, my nephew got married last year to a beautiful gal he met online. They're expecting their 1st child very soon.

I was thinking about it and it occurred to me that I look for cues when it comes to conversation. Because I'm not great at small talk (it actually leads me to feel a little anxious based on my inability to manage it well), I rely on people cuing me when it comes to topics beyond small talk. Kind of like getting a feel for what people are open to discussing. I'll warn you in saying I'm 'a little out there'. I have a mind that's seriously open to wonder, so I do tend to wonder about and raise some bizarre topics at times 🙂

For me to be able to openly discuss certain topics, there came a point where my internal dialogue had to change. Not sure if you can relate but that internal dialogue used to sound a little like 'You can't ask/suggest that, people will think you're weird', 'You can't say that. What will that person think of you' and the list of conversation stoppers went on. There would be a stack of things I would like to have said to people but a part of me just wouldn't let that happen, out of fear. So, I was stuck saying very little at all. I was also stuck in the habit of kicking myself after those occasions. So many missed opportunities.

Do you ever find yourself wanting to discuss certain topics with people or ask certain questions but you just can't give yourself permission to do this?

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I have thought about doing this but I figured that I may know the reason. She was 21 and I am 25, I think half of it was potentially a maturity factor and I am not what she would be looking for currently although we match quite well. My sister mentioned that a 21 year old (not all obviously) may not have the foresight that someone my own age with a few more years experience would have. I think 50% of it was I am probably in a way too mature at this stage for what she wants and 50% most likely wasn’t into me that much and I may have missed judged it.

I feel pathetic even just writing about it now because I should just be over it, the fact we live so close doesn’t help and also we have run into each other a number of times and it is never awkward which leads me to believe I didn’t DO anything that would of be a turn off because there is definitely a mutual respect I just think the cards didn’t fall in my favour which probably doesn’t make sense but it’s a bit of a stinger of a feeling. In a stupid way I sort of think maybe one day but I realise it’s slim to no chance and I have just tried to date others and continue my search I just get down hearted when I meet people and I don’t connect as I did with that one for example.

The online stuff is a real struggle for me as I have had numerous people tell my profiles are fine and that if anything it doesn’t do me justice but I very rarely get matches and it’s just a feeding ground to slowly break down your self esteem but I feel I am not conducive to randomly meeting people out it’s hard to explain so I feel it’s my only option.

I definitely relate to what you are saying and couldn’t have described it better myself in terms of the internal dialogue when I am out. I have done this so many times, stopped myself from really being myself out of fear of judgement and the kicking myself afterwards turns into a bid depressive episode of how much of a loser I am that I can’t do this.

I’m wondering what things you have tried to sort of eliminate that type of stuff and try to get rid of that fear of judgement and just say what you want and be comfortable because that’s all I want is just to be comfortable to be myself

Thanks again

Daniel

[therising]

Hi Daniel

The online dating makes perfect sense in a way. It's kind of like laying your cards on the table. Instead of slowly or gradually getting to know someone we might meet while we're out, it's more about cutting to the chase, 'This is who I am - this is my name, my age, what I like, what I don't like, my strengths, my triggers...' and so on. In a way, you could say it's a time saver. You don't have to spend time figuring out someone's basically not for you. When I asked my daughter about the go with online dating, she mentioned something about the way to go involving putting something in there that's somewhat shocking in a way. I suppose it's about triggering the other person to wonder, interest or curiosity. For example, you might describe yourself in all the basic ways someone might describe themself with online dating but, somewhere in there, you throw in 'One of my passions involves questioning the general nature of reality'. Bamm! You're going to attract just about anyone who loves to question the nature of reality and you can be almost guaranteed that this topic of conversation will come up in your first face to face date. She might question it from the perspective of quantum physics or the woo woo perspective, of spirituality. I may have mentioned I'm a bit of a woo woo gal myself 🙂 I'll question reality from just about every perspective I can think of, including a psychological perspective. My son's pretty much the same. We have some pretty interesting conversations. My husband rarely ever questions his sense of reality, which kinda triggers me at times 🙂

I found a shift in internal dialogue was a very gradual thing for me when it comes to expressing who I naturally am around others. It definitely involves some risk. While I've had some hits when it comes to hitting it off with people, I've also had some misses where I wish I hadn't fully expressed myself. I think it comes down to exercising our instinct through practice. It's like gradually getting a feel for things: Is the sage in you wisely saying 'Don't say it out loud right now' or is it an over protective fearful aspect of yourself saying 'Don't say it, whatever you do. They'll reject you'? With practice, you start to get a feel for where the internal dialogue's coming from. Then there can be another aspect of who we are who may pop in, that carefree side of us, dictating 'Who cares what anyone thinks' and we give our self the freedom to say something, no matter the outcome.

🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I definitely agree with your thoughts about online dating as well as your daughters thoughts. The struggle I finds I have played around with my profiles to try target different things and try and fix what may not be working but it's just a complete lack of any hits for me. When I do get a match it basically falls flat straight away and it is a really disheartening, soul destroying process when you couple it with how I feel I am socially and the end result is a complete lack of hope in meeting someone. I have had friends of mine that I have asked for advice, females in particular, and they say there is nothing wrong with my profiles or my approach but I just cannot see how there isn't something wrong with me to cause the complete lack of hope and progress.

Each time I go on a date I find myself unable to connect with the other person or it's just not right or they often just stop talking to me afterwards or give me the "you're a nice guy but...". I feel pathetic for even saying this but each time it just reminds me of the girl I have mentioned and what the hell I did to stuff that up because it feels like that was my opportunity and if I didn't have this problem of self questioning and internal dialogue and had of been able to just let myself go a bit it may have been different and I am filled with a huge feeling go regret because I know that will never happen and I was just not good enough in the end.

With everyone of my friends now pretty much in a relationship or dating someone I feel like I am more on my own than ever before because I don't see people I just don't see any light at the end of the tunnel if I am honest. I am constantly battling myself inside.

I like to think that I try to get myself out and practice relaxing the internal dialogue, like the birthday the other week and other events recently I just get so down afterwards if I have momentary lapses in my mindset and feel like I am self conscious again. I don't really know what I am doing anymore if I am honest, I am supposed to be graduating my engineering degree and have been given a new higher role at work and I feel like I should be happy/proud but it just doesn't matter because I feel like I'm stagnating socially and don't have anyone I connect with.

Sorry for the all over the place posting again

Daniel

[therising]

Hi Daniel

It would be interesting to get the perspective of someone who's completely familiar with online dating, who's gone through the highs and lows of it over time. I imagine if you spoke to such people they'd say stuff like 'I can remember going through that myself. Gee, it leads to a lot self criticism and self doubt'. They may also say 'It took me ages to figure out why things weren't working. When I finally figured it out, things began to change'. Not sure what kinds of things they would have worked out but I can imagine hearing someone say 'Whatever you do, don't go on these sites... I found they're a waste of time and effort and they just get you down. These are the ones to seriously consider...'.

It's so tough at times when you're craving what everyone else appears to have and be so happy with, such as with having a partner to share time with. I can recall many years ago, after having a couple of early stage miscarriages, seeing so many pregnant women. It was like they were all coming out of the woodwork to remind me of what I didn't have. Whether it's a relationship, a child, the job of our dreams or something else, progress towards it can feel painstakingly slow and even mentally torturous. It can really start to mess with us in so many ways.

How much easier life would be if we could see what was just around the corner. It would be a matter of 'I'm glad I know I don't have to wait too long for what I want'. Unfortunately we can't always see it and that can mess with us too, not having that sort of vision. When I think about my vision of the future after those miscarriages, all I could see was a lack of success in having my next child, my 2nd child. Finally, he came along and is 16 now. Toward the end of my 15 year battle with depression, I never envisioned my freedom from depression was just around the corner. My vision was more so of me experiencing depression for the rest of my life. For you, what might be just around the corner is a woman who starts off as a friend and that friendship leads to more. It's rare to have an intimate relationship that begins as a friendship but I believe it's the strongest kind of relationship. My cousin has this sort of relationship with her husband of more than 30 years. She'd tell you she was closed minded and not at all interested in him as a partner in the beginning, believing he was boring. She grew fascinated with him to the point where she knew she couldn't live without him. He is a fascinating guy.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I have been told the types of apps to avoid if you’re trying to find a partner at my age and it’s actually been those apps that have been the worst for me. I take things harder on those apps because I think “gee these are the ones where people have found people and it’s like I have no hope”.

I am really struggling with things at the moment as you say seeing all those around me with what I want and what I have really been trying to find just makes the end of the tunnel seem further and further away. I am exhausted of online dating and I want to take a break but I feel like I can’t because I have no other way of meeting people at the moment because my friends are taken and when I am out I feel pathetic and that I have no redeeming features to attract someone in person.

I feel as though I am “partner material” and have been told this but I fear this might be too “safe” or boring for girls I meet and that I am not “fun” or “engaging” to spark interest.

I know I sound stupid because I’ve let this really spark my depression but I just feel incredibly alone and so far away from what I really want. I’m struggling everyday to keep this internal battle from boiling over and trying to remain calm but I don’t even understand where I can start to change things and to be honest I reckon I am pathetic and weak minded that I can’t even think of where to start or am not enough of man to do so.

I feel like my soul is crushed and I just spend the days thinking all this over and just feel defeated every step of the way

[0ldDog]

Hi Daniel12,

I have been in a few relationships over the years as well as having had long periods in between. Most of the in between periods were ok, as I am generally comfortable with my own company and that of good friends, but I know that doesn’t suit everyone. There was however, a period in my life when I desperately wanted a relationship and try as I might nothing fell into place.

A year or so later, I was given an opportunity to change career and that presented me with a whole new learning curve. I was starting over from scratch, new job, location, friends and a lot of other challenges, which meant I wanted and needed to focus. With that in mind I made myself a promise that I wouldn’t get involved in a relationship and therefore be distracted, until I was confident and competent in my new role.

I don’t recall how long that promise actually lasted but it seemed as though I started receiving attention only a few months in, which at the time was flattering and embarrassing as I was a little shy, annoying because I was trying to focus and confusing because back then, I couldn’t understand why.

Eventually, I came to realise that being focused on something and not looking for a relationship meant that I was sometimes considered ‘aloof’. I wasn’t rude or abrupt, just focused on my job which meant I came across to others as just being me, a regular bloke with no expectations of others.

I also came to realise that when people are desperate they tend to try too hard and in the case of relationships, that desperation can be viewed by others as being unattractive and off-putting. Sometimes the harder we try, the less likely we are to find the thing we are looking for and when we aren’t looking for something, that’s precisely when it falls in our lap.

I don’t necessarily think it’s wrong to self-assess ourselves occasionally in order to better understand who we are, but I would like to suggest that we should never try to be anything but ourselves because when the time comes, we all want a relationship with someone who see's and appreciates us for who are.

You may know the old saying can’t see the wood for the trees, meaning someone becomes so focused on something, they struggle to find it. Sometimes it is better to stop looking, take a step back, give yourself some breathing room, focus your energy elsewhere for a while and let fate run its course.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I've never really put all that much thought into what makes a person attractive in a variety of ways. Looking back, I can recall what I did to make myself more physically attractive when I was on the dating scene and realise it's probably easier for females in a way. We can add make up to create a certain appearance, do a stack of stuff with our hair and the variety of clothing out there is just about endless. In the way of mental attraction, I wasn't all that mentally confident which is one of the reasons I was a drinker, so I wouldn't feel my social awkwardness (a feeling that is challenging). Of course, alcohol changed my persona, leading me to become more relaxed and approachable. If I had my time again, I wouldn't have been a drinker, I wouldn't have been so reliable on alcohol. As I say to my kids, 'There's no skill in being an alcoholic, yet there is great skill involved when it comes to not relying on alcohol'. When I ceased being a drinker, I found I had few social skills. I hadn't really developed all that much with booze in my life. In fact it was a significant contributor to my depression.

You mentioned how that girl in your life was possibly looking for someone not so mature. A majority of females will agree, what makes a guy attractive to them changes over time, based on a change in perspective that comes from greater maturity and experience. We look for a more relaxed natural guy, not an 'actor'. We learn to gain a sense of whether a guy is a self server or if he's an openhearted type. The self servers are hard work and demoralising. We develop more of a curiosity when it comes to the quiet type. I smile when I think of how so many elderly people just love to strike up conversations with just about anyone, especially strangers. This is typically something that develops over time. We don't just suddenly become 'a chatty old person', we typically simply learn over time to stop caring so much about keeping our curiosity to our self 🙂

Wondering if you've tried looking for older women, such as around 30. Perhaps this is of no interest. Such a woman doesn't have to be super confident, have a well established career etc, she simply might just be someone more down to earth, easy going (not hard work). If you're thinking 'I wonder how she'd fit into my circle of friends', perhaps it would be more interesting to consider how you may easily fit into her circle of down to earth friends. They may absolutely love bringing out the best in you.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I believe I am mature in the sense that I act my age and generally believe I am well versed in the sense that I can talk about a number of topics when I am actually able to socially accept myself. I think compared to people I have grown up around some of these guys still act like they are 20/21, which in itself there is nothing wrong with if they are that way inclined but I believe in general I am more grounded, quiet, down to earth which contributes to the maturity.

With that girl I think the stage of life, her still in the uni-lifestyle and me basically starting/having started full time work may have contributed to it but in general I just think I was too boring and she didn't like me enough because I am just down to earth/nice and this isn't enough even though I'd like to think this isn't all I am.

I feel like, and I am not sure what your thoughts are on this and apologies if it is confusing, but being a nice guy, down to earth, quiet, a listen first and a bit more mature type of person than some others around me makes me fundamentally a boring prospect for women. I'd say I like to just have a conversation with people and I am best in 1-on-1 or smaller groups. The problem I have is I feel like to be myself and just be nice/down to earth is too boring and doesn't excite or spark enough interest. I am really struggling to see why anyone would be serious about seeing me and what redeeming features I have and why I not just boring. There has to be something wrong with me because I can't seem to garner interest in someone beyond a very short period.

Funnily enough I have met women around 29/30 out by chance, they definitely looked younger than this, and in a way it is easier for me to talk to them as I don't feel the same pressure that everything that comes out of my mouth has to be "banter". I would most likely prefer someone my own age or younger but if it was to be older maybe just a year or two older.

I guess that's another thing that I feel an immense pressure around and it sort of relates to this feeling I have to be "alpha" that I need to joke, banter and the like 24/7 I can't just be normal, the pressure is all on me to "make things spark".

I sort of want to take a step back but given how lonely I feel it's hard

Thanks again

Daniel

[Daniel12]

Hi OldDog

Thanks for your post and advice I really appreciate the kind words!

I definitely think you give some good advice I guess I am just really struggling to block it out of my mind. I would say my working life is under control at the moment and thankfully it is not a source of too much stress but in a way it is almost a bad thing because it gives me too much time to think about how I seem to be faltering at every step in terms of meeting someone.

My friends are all dating and I don't seem them as often and just feel sort of forgotten about, I am not someone who is overtly out there so I struggle to make new friends straight away because I am more introverted and I get very anxious doing new things even though I push myself to go and try.

I have sort of been raised to think that I need to make things happen so I get uncomfortable if I am not "working on" this area of my life consistently but I think lockdowns and working from home as well has really made this issue consume my daily life.

I know it is silly to think you can know what is around the corner but it's just a complete lack of hope that I feel with it all at the moment, I have thought about starting new things but I'm very anxious about not being accepted so I have stopped myself.

Thanks again

Daniel