Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[Daniel12]

Hi Hanna

Thanks for your continued advice!

I have been thinking about something I can do to replace soccer in the off-season to try and widen my social circle. I guess it sort of scares me to try something new as well because of fear of rejection in general which is pretty pathetic of me haha.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place in terms of focusing on myself and then wanting to find someone because I feel like focusing on myself will make me feel all the loneliness and it’ll just make me replay situations in my head but I guess without focusing on fixing that it probably won’t get better.

Something is not working at all for me at the moment in terms of dating I seem to be likeable but not really taken seriously at the same time it sort of just weighing me down.

[Hanna3]

Hi Daniel,

I understand but if you make starting another sport about the sport and not the people and maybe rejection - if you decide you want to swim, or play tennis, focus on that - you will make casual aquaintances and don't worry about rejection - if you mix with others doing the same sport, you have a shared interest.  There's no reason for people to reject you.  Some rejection in life is unavoidable, but I think you need to try to stop focusing on expecting it.  Just focus on "I'm going to start playing tennis/swimming and keep fit and enjoy the exercise"!

I think you should talk with your psych about the dating - some of your anxiety I would think must come across to any girl you take out, which is another reason for delaying this until you've done some more work with the psych and start to feel a bit more confident and supported.  Again, you are overthinking and always a worst-possible scenario!  

Could you change your thinking to "I'm going to start a new sport and enjoy it and focus on getting good at it and keeping fit" and "I'm not looking for a partner at this stage, just enjoying my new sport and working with the psych to improve my sense of well being - the dating and finding a partner will come in due course".

I think you need some new messages to tell yourself - try some more positive ones Daniel!  You are putting yourself down constantly!  There's no need!

[Daniel12]

Hi Hanna

A lot of you say my psych says as well and I am trying my best to not run with the negative messages that go off in my head and ultimately stop me from doing things. I have just been getting overwhelmed the last couple weeks again but I will keep trying to get on top of it and I might just give myself some "tasks" to at least research into things I might want to get started for when I am ready to give it all a proper crack.

It's funny you mention that some of my anxiety would probably show because I think I am uncovering that it does in ways where I might seem a bit unsure of myself in front of the other person, I think it's not in an extreme way and by and large I come across OK but I would be in denial if I said there weren't areas where it would show and I can work on them.

I did have a period where I felt like I was moving forward a bit, like going to soccer without getting anxious and feeling like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and having to fake it for a couple hours and I was going to the gym more regularly just to try be around the same people. I have sort of stopped that again as I tend to close off do my own things which probably only exacerbates how I feel.

I guess I never have really taken time out for myself fully so as silly as it sounds it feels uncomfortable for me to try put myself as the priority because it feels selfish I guess.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

The parent factor that contributes to shaping us is an interesting one. As I mention, I don't blame my parents for not being conscious of what they're not conscious of but simply recognising some of the influences that have led me to where I am. I've spent the past couple of years with an almost  obsessive need to better connect with and understand my emotions beyond my parent's influence. I've found this is a must for my mental, physical and spiritual health.

Being someone who feels, it's a challenge to learn exactly what emotion you're feeling and exactly what that feeling's trying to tell you. The so called 'negative' ones can be very telling. When we feel 'em, it's a feeling that's basically saying 'Hey, you, wake up!'. Boredom can be screaming 'Get creative!!!', a strong emotion that can better connect us to life. Anger can be screaming 'You gotta fight for this thing/person you love so much!!!'. It can be a passionate heartfelt emotion at times that pushes us to fight for what we love. Stress/anxiety can be screaming 'This situation is full of dis-ease. Figure out why!!!'. It can be an emotion which encourages us to manage how our mind and body communicate with each other. With emotions being telling, the relationship we have with them can be a love/hate one, based on how we experience them. While I'm not saying I love the feelings of boredom, anger and stress, for example, I do love them for leading me toward greater self understanding and growth. I've come to respect them. Nagging emotions can be relentless in they way they come to serve us. They're often stubborn, dictating 'Nup, I'm not leaving 'til you figure this out'.

Daniel, the most significant thing I've learned through all this emotional work is...those who feel so much and so deeply have a greater ability to feel life and the way it presents itself, in so many different ways. If we're someone who feels our way through life, there is no choice but to master how we do it. It can be incredibly tormenting hard work at times.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Hope you are doing well,

In my limited experience I can definitely relate to when you say how much hard work it can be to navigate and learn how to use the way we feel certain things through our life.

I find it's a very fine balance for me at the moment between being on top of it and letting it spill over into depression. I feel like it is also very situational for me at the moment, what may or may not happen in a given situation or scenario seems to be dictating how my mood swings. This could be normal to a degree but I think I have it to an extreme where I can really spiral into a depression for days on end based off one small event, this is what I am trying to control and get on top of because it makes it all the more harder for me to find my way in general whilst that seems to be happening.

Like I mentioned to Hanna, I have never really taken the time out to fully focus on myself so I seem to get uncomfortable about it and if I am completely honest as silly as it sounds I don't really know what it looks like to do that.

My life seems to have just been ticking over lately and I can't really put a finger on why I feel really lost with myself and what to do. I have a decent job/career, I am on the right track career wise and just being patient with setting up my future, my family life is good, whilst I have very limited friends they aren't bad friends....is it really just being single that causes all this. I don't think it is, there's this uncomfortable feeling have with myself and who I am that constantly nags at me.

I feel like my frustration is rising with being this way and I want to be free of the constant self doubt and letting those who don't want me affect me so much. I am willing to put in the work I guess I just am trying to juggle a lot of things at once and to take a time-out to focus on myself seems like it is selfish but I don't want to be this way anymore.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I believe we can go the whole of our life constantly finding new facets to our self and a new sense of understanding life and how it works. Even within my last breath on this earth, I believe I will learn something new about myself and life. If you look at it this way, it then becomes a matter of 'Well, where do I start?'. I'd say now is a good time.

If someone had told me years ago that I'd have to come to learn a lot about myself in order to make greater sense of life, I would have thought 'What's to know? I know who I am. I'm me. I know what life is, it's life'. Looking back, I actually had very little idea regarding who I really was or what life was really all about. I thought I had it all worked out but I was wrong. No one straight out told me what's taken me years to gradually work out for myself. I had to search for a lot, find a lot of resources along the way. No on said 'As you go along, you'll need to develop the researcher in you and the part of you that wonders about so much. You'll need to develop you're ability to feel your way through life constructively (mastering feelings). You'll have to cut ties with some folk who are destructive in the way they'll lead you to feel and find guides in others who will lead you to know yourself better. Knowing who's who will be a part of that challenge. You will need to question so much and you will need to know the right questions to ask' and the list goes on when it comes to setting out on what is known as 'the heroes journey'.

Someone once mentioned to me how the heroes journey is basically the same in every book or movie. The hero sets out on a quest of sorts. They may battle demons or dragons or less obvious foe along the way, facing their fears, finding strength and courage. They may face amusing characters and perhaps a sage to help them make sense of things and stay on track, not giving up. They face a significant period of self reflection, questioning whether they have what it takes, whether they have enough strength to cope with what's ahead (a period of great self doubt and inner turmoil). Any good movie ends the same, with the hero being so different from who they started out as. It was the journey that developed them, the overall challenge or challenges that changed them.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Firstly I just want to say every bit of advice you have provided me has been invaluable and appreciated and yourself along with Hanna in particular and your continual support and selfless offerings of advice and patience has really helped give me a kick to keep pushing through these dark moments particularly the last few months and for that I am as grateful to yourself and Hanna and others on here as anyone!

Your last post in particular I just want to say thank you for because I think it was what I needed to read/hear at this particular moment. I know I can be a bit short-sighted and like a brick wall sometimes to talk to but you have continually supported me and nudged me in this direction with your advice. I particularly like the reference to the "hero".....bit of a comic nerd haha

Like I have said before I can't really put my finger on exactly why I feel like I have these lost feelings and this uncertainty about who I am and where I am headed. I feel like it is starting to become clearer without knowing exactly the causes behind it all for example self esteem issues for longer than I can remember, anxiety about the past and the future, negative overthinking, lack of belief in myself and what I am/can be. I did say in one of my very first sessions with my psychologists a couple months ago it does feel like I am operating at 20% of my potential but I have literally no idea how to uncover it.

I think it largely relates to what your post says, I need to experience, learn and feel my way through the process. Maybe the proper process of this for me is starting now because I am committed to uncovering what I feel I could be if I broke the shackles of pressure/lack of belief in myself.

You have offered so much invaluable advice, I know it sounds silly but the latest post in particular really resonated with me quite a lot (many of other peoples kind words on here have too) and I thank you for that because I feel like I have been on a path that may have led me down a dark spiral but it's words and advice like that which I can really feel is giving me the change of direction I need, frustratingly a slow process but I am starting to think I can do it which is a bonus I guess! 🙂

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I'm so glad you've found some key people in your life who can lead you to wonder beyond what you believe or imagine and I'm so happy I can be one of those people for you. Also glad you can relate to the hero's journey. Keep in mind, as that hero goes along he does not always see or feel himself as the hero. It is those looking on who recognise the truth before he does.

I believe it's not we who are the brick walls yet those walls are definitely there. How could we have 'breakthroughs' if there were no walls to break through? I believe one of the biggest breakthroughs people can experience comes with the declaration 'I don't know who I am'. Another way of putting it is 'I thought I knew who I was'. I suppose it's the moment when we 'begin to wake up to our self', you could say. From my own experience, it's a trip. Not quite a psychedelic one but still pretty trippy at times. 'Who was that me or self I always thought I was? What was that about? What/who led me to believe in that false sense of self? Who am I, really?'. Daniel, I know for a fact I have a lot of walls still ahead of me. I'm often waking up to something new and mind altering, going beyond certain beliefs or perspectives that once limited me.

From what you say, with self esteem issues existing before you can remember, this implies they were there before you became conscious of them, before you began to really feel the impact of them. When your psychologist takes you back even further, I believe you'll have a number of 'Aha!' moments that will prove to be very revealing. What shapes us can be far from obvious at first.

Lack of belief in self is interesting. I've found many led me to believe in a sense of self that was so far from who I now know myself to be. Can take a lot to undo or reject what others have led us to believe. To offer a different take, 'I no longer believe in myself' and 'I can't live with myself' can, together, equate to 'I can no longer (afford to) believe in a sense of self that has become unbearable to live with'. To come to live separately from it takes a lot of work. To develop a new identity (how we come to identify our self in new and constructive ways), is what self development is all about. 

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Hope you are doing well,

It is interesting to see how unaware I may have been at times in the past to some of these anxieties or self esteem issues prior to what I would say over the last 6 months has been almost a complete mental breakdown for myself and my anxiety. 

I believe I knew it was all there on the surface but I chose to suppress and try my best to carry on but I think overtime and with differing life experiences whether that be working, relationships or lack there of or what have you I probably have hit the wall face first all at once. I think just pushing through helped for a while in the past because I had a demanding uni degree that distracted me but looking back I am uncovering a lot of insecurities or underlying beliefs, that are mostly irrational, that have shaped my anxiety and depression to take a form of it's own over the years so I am actually not surprised I have reached the level of depression/anxiety I have reached particularly as early as a couple months ago.

Whilst I don't believe I am over this and it is certainly going up and down like a rollercoaster and will do for some time I think I realise what you mention about undoing or reject beliefs we may have been led to believe over a long period of time because a lot of my thoughts are ingrained in me now and whilst I am working hard to challenge them and change it's very much ingrained in me and force of habit that I need to break.

I think maybe being a quieter more thoughtful person (deep thinking can be a blessing and a curse haha) I think my "breakdown" so to speak was a build up waiting to happen over a long period of time because I haven't had the skills to combat it and eventually it has caught up with me.

Sounds strange but one think that is helping a lot is reading to be honest, could be anything not necessarily self-help books because my mind seems to immerse itself into a story and helps me forget about things and even leads me to think in a different light based on messages behind different books/stories so I think that would be beneficial to those going through similar/that have similar thought patterns to me.

Again thanks for your support and guidance!

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Good to hear reading's making some positive difference to you. Perhaps it is a form of meditation that suits you the best at this time. To meditate on the images that come to mind through what we read offers insight into the power of the imagination. It is an incredible thing, our imagination. Every book you read was born from the writer's imagination. There you have an insight into it, held within your hands. While you mention reading a variety of books, when it comes to the 'self help' ones I like to look at them as 'Here's my take on things, see if you can relate' books, written by the author. Of course, 'self help' is a much shorter title or description.

While breakdowns can be undeniably brutal in nature, I've personally found my own breakdowns to be constructive. I've only ever had a few outstanding ones, ones that led me to eventually break down everything that had built up over time. I should add, none were concerning enough to lead me to hospital. Just about every significant breakdown can lead to a much needed state of consciousness, with the typical question being 'What has led me to reach this point?', the turning point. It's at this point where we can begin to ask the really important questions, especially in regard to what we were not entirely conscious of before. Breaking things down can lead to great revelations, including 'I'm far stronger than I thought for I have managed to reach this point while having managed so much pain and self doubt at the same time'. Truth is, it takes a strong person to manage such challenging pain and self doubt and to have managed it for so long.