Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[Guest_1643]

Most dates end with ppl wanting to be friends...or never seeing each other again ...so it's not too harsh, it could just be the wrong fit, or there hung up on an ex...

I would recommend having a light and gentle approach to a date.

If u qill be heartbroken by a no, that's already already intense starting point. If u can accept that perhaps it'll go nowhere, and Ur just seeing how a new person's company feels....no disappointments.

A date is just a date. It's OK if it is just one date.

[Hanna3]

Hi Daniel

Sleepy has put it better than me. You need to chill a bit! You're still young and you've got time to find someone.

What the girls have said to you is a standard response. Your psychologist is right, they just mean you're not for them and that could be for a thousand reasons! I've said that to a guy, it didn't mean there was anything wrong with them.

Remember you only have to find one! It takes time. Relationships are tricky.

Try to enjoy meeting people and try to be a bit less worried. It will happen when it happens. Take the opportunity to find out what sort of person suits you.

OK? You will be fine. Let us know how the dinner goes anyway! Try to relax and just enjoy yourself my friend! I do understand it's hard, but anxiety is not your friend. Try to put the young woman at ease, she's most likely a bit anxious too!

🙂👍🤗

[Daniel12]

Hi Hanna

Thanks so much for your ongoing support

I figure that’s what it is after speaking with my psychologist, I’m definitely trying my best to take your advice and just relax about the whole thing.

I guess it’s sort of the first thing that pops to mind when I’m in a bit of mental state for lack of a better term. I just seem to spiral a bit in my thinking when it starts until I calm down a bit. Probably doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.

It is a tiring process it’s like my minds goes haywire at different times and it increases my anxiety tenfold and it just keeps festering in lead up to events or when I’m on my own.

Hopefully I can calm myself down a bit during the week, maybe work can be a distraction and I can approach it care free

Thanks again Hanna

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I suppose the 'You're a nice guy but...' thing comes down to 'are we really suited to each other?'. You could have a super hyper girl who's looking for someone who can keep up with her level of energy. You could have an super serious girl who can't tolerate a guy who's laid back and lighthearted. You could have a basically energetic and adventurous girl who can't tolerate the idea of sitting around not doing much, letting life pass by. A girl who loves music and dancing may not have much of an interest in a guy who never goes clubbing and isn't into music all that much. To get some idea, ahead of time, who you're interacting with could make some difference.

To find out you're meeting someone who likes to have a few ventures on the go, for example, offers an advantage. You have a few ventures on the go or starting up this year. You have a promotion at work, soccer coaching, the all sports aspect, the gym and the biggest one of all...your plan to further develop your self. 'This is my year to start really getting out there and experiment with finding what I love doing and what I don't like doing' can be an interesting lead in to a conversation. It shows you're open minded, wonderful (full of wonder), adventurous, a basic goal setter and seriously interested in connecting with life. The goal of naturally boosting your energy levels can be another one. 'I'm going to work on developing so much energy that I'll barely recognise myself by the end of the year' sounds fascinating. So, you can actually talk about your future self if you think your present self is something you don't really want to discuss all the much. Talk about the high energy, adventurous fun loving guy you're planning on becoming and then, perhaps, ask for ideas. One thing I love to ask energetic people is 'How do you manage to gain and maintain so much energy?' To me, it's a fascinating topic. I just love knowing how people gain and maintain their energy. I get a whole variety of answers or should that be 'tips' that I seriously need. A key one is 'inspiration'. Inspiration followed by action followed by satisfaction is a natural energy booster. While this process is a natural energy booster on a soulful level, dopamine offers additional energy. Nothing quite like feeling surges of dopamine to the brain to get us pumped, as we experience a sense of achievement.

I've found feeling a lack of energy or a lack of the right kind of energy to be a trigger for depression, for me.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising


I think you may be right and when I feel my mind is more relaxed I think of it as you described, that it probably is just not the right match. I think part of the issue where I think is solely my fault is that a couple times it’s happened in particular was with people I had a lot in common in and it was sort of sprung on me when things seemed to be going well. Now for the way I think deeply (too deeply at times) that type of thing just made me speculate probably far too much as to what I did/have done wrong. It’s never really got anything to do with the other person it’s a habit of analysing every part of myself in situations until I find an answer of what I did.


A friend of mine said, if nothing else if your foundation as a person is coming across as nice then that’s a good thing it’s just about building upon that to show the other parts of me that are in there. I think going through this journey of working at where I fit in and who I am alongside trying to find a partner probably is a tough balancing act because I’m learning about myself as I go.


I think the dating stuff is probably the biggest trigger of the main issue I feel I have which is not being able to just calm my thinking down so I don’t overload myself as I’ve mentioned before. I don’t know if some of the things I’ve committed to trying this year is a sign of progress at all because I still feel I have weeks where I’m almost like “hyper” from thinking way too much and the thoughts can be really illogical, things that I even know I shouldn’t worry about but somehow find there way in again and again.


I think using a lot of the advice you have given me on here and others has definitely helped and I make note of it and try to remember to practice it everyday. I think this is going to take a while though given the habit of overthinking I’ve developed since I was a kid 🙂

[Hanna3]

Hi Daniel,

This overthinking must be exhausting for you. I know it can be really dispiriting when your mind seems to go back over and over things rather than move forward.

I wonder how you would feel about talking with your psych about ways to deal with it?

I haven't got much time to post currently, but I hope things go OK for you and maybe you can get some suggestions about challenging the unhelpful thoughts? It sounds like it wears you down quite a bit and it might be worth trying some techniques to help stop it being quite so bad.

I hope you have a good week and that things will pick up for you!

You do seem to be making some great efforts to improve your situation, well done and keep it up!

Cheers! 🙂

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I believe your friend is absolutely spot on regarding a nice foundation to be built upon. Such a foundation is something to be proud of. Some folk can have pretty questionable foundations.

I think we learn a lot from the people around us. We can learn from others that we have a good foundation, for example. This can be communicated to us in a variety of ways. We can gradually learn from others what we can and can't tolerate. We can learn from people who trigger us, what our triggers actually are. We can learn we are excitable when people trigger us to excitement and we can learn we are deeply empathetic based on those who trigger us to tears as we feel their pain. I would have to say some of the most confusing people of all are those who lead us to learn little or nothing about our self.

We could meet a new friend or potential partner as a complete stranger at 1st. If they give us no hint at all, if they communicate nothing to us as to why they just don't vibe with us, they have taught us nothing. We can be left with the question which replays over and over 'What's the problem here?'. I suppose it's like trying to learn about our self, what we're doing 'right' or 'wrong' with no intel to help us work it out. The fact that they don't communicate anything of use is not our fault. If we face a long line of poor communicators it can become more confusing than ever. To make things even worse, we can be left trying to interpret body language. 'What is their body language telling me?'. Our brain will be looking for any form of intel. The problem with body language is...it can misinterpreted at times, leading us to form the wrong conclusions or beliefs.

Life would be so much easier if people were great, considerate and thoughtful communicators. We could learn so much from meeting such people. Unfortunately, we can be left with more questions than answers at times, forever searching for answers to satisfy our self, to learn from.

I've found, gradually learning more about myself is so much slower and tedious when I've got no one around me leading me to understand myself better. Self understanding can move at a snail's pace when next to no one's helping us understand our self in a way we can relate to 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising


I think you’re spot on and probably described maybe one of the key issues I’ve faved when you mentioned facing people who aren’t great communicators or don’t spark me to learn about myself.


I think this could be a key issue because the “what is the problem” I’ve often replayed in my head and it’s an exhausting effort. I find myself searching for an answer I probably won’t find unless that particular person comes out and says it which is unlikely and then you’re left to speculate a million different things. This is where the trouble starts I think because you start reading into everything and any form of common sense gets taken over by anxiety and overthinking. For example if someone says to me “you are unkind and rude” well it may be harsh but at least I can rationalise the situation and I usually think to myself well no I’m not fundamentally that type of person and I did not do anything to this person for example to be seen that way, at least they’ve told me and I can take the information and process. Those who leave you in the lurch you’re forever speculating and that’s where the overthinking spirals. Hopefully that makes sense.


Another issue I briefly mentioned below to Hanna is that I feel I don’t have too much of an outlet at home at the moment so I seem to be going over and over things with no one to help me through it, that is why I find a lot
of relaxation and solace speaking with you.


My parents have a strong relationship but over the last two years, a few events have occur and as they get older the arguing and silly fights just keep going and going. I am often left listening to it and it drives me mad but I keep it to myself because being the youngest I’m often not listened to. I wish they would just stop with the unnecessary bickering about really insignificant issues. I feel it’s only getting worse, this is not me saying I not love and am grateful for my parents I’m just finding it very hard to talk to them about anything now because of the whole atmosphere. I don’t want any issues at all.

It’s probably why I may be frustrating to speak with on here when I go over the same issues again and again because I can’t seem to get it out to anyone at home and I feel on my own so I am sorry if I seem frustrating by going back over things.

[Daniel12]

Hi Hanna


Thanks a lot for your help, sorry if it is difficult to provide advice because of the tendency you mentioned I have to rehash things. I am aware of this, I often apologise to people when I’m seeking support for this reason because I try to get things out and it always comes back to the same things.


I have been working on it with my psychologist unfortunately can only see her once a month because of bookings. There’s always a down period once a month when I go a bit stupid because I don’t really an an outlet at home at the moment that can help me calm down.


Thanks again! 🙂

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I think it's hard when key people in our life can be a bit absent in some way for us, when they're facing their own issues. I think this is one of the things I considered, as a guide and friend to my kids, when we were going through lockdowns together here in Melbourne. While a lot of feelings and thoughts began to really surface during that time in regard to my relationship with my husband, I always tried to stay conscious of my kids' mental health and everyday challenges. While your parents may have significant challenges, do you feel them arguing over little things could come down to issues with personality traits? Maybe they're traits that were often tolerated or overlooked but became magnified during lockdowns. I found this to be the case with myself, in my own marriage. Some things were resolved yet some remain.This kind of stuff can eat away at you, unless you vent it constructively. I believe there are different kinds of venting. Just a couple: Constructive venting, where people deeply listen to each other's issues which are vented, so as to become more conscious, and then there's basic venting or stress release, where you're just trying to vent your own tension/agitation without necessarily looking for resolution.

It's a shame the counseling visits are only once a month. Do you feel it would make some difference if you were to say to your psychologist something like 'I feel the monthly visits are not enough for me to be able to experience any real sense of progress, which can actually feel depressing at times'? Whether they consider making the visits once a fortnight or extending the monthly visit into a double consult is maybe something worth wondering about. If you feel things are moving too slowly, do you think this is something you could mention to your psych?

I've found one of the best distractions from overthinking is YouTube. I admit, sometimes I overdo it a little. It can distract me from living my life at times. I tend to use it for educational purposes more than anything. I'm a bit of an information junkie 🙂 When you find yourself in your own head too much, maybe consider getting up YouTube and key in 'How to stop thinking so much' and see what pops up. From psychological approaches to natural approaches, from the reasons why we think so much to how to stop doing it, there's so much out there in the way of education. So many people wanting to share knowledge and what makes a difference.

🙂