Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

i think you make such a good point, I relate wholeheartedly to what you say.

Its not that I don’t think my parents relate to me or I can relate to what they say because I can and I do but I think part of what I find hard about it all is what they can probably see through there lens, which I should believe myself, is not what I see or feel through my own lens and I struggle to explain any logic behind how I feel because I feel like there is none so it makes it hard.

does that make any sense at all?

[therising]

Hi Daniel

The lack of logic in some situations is why I like to look at things from the perspective of mind/body/spirit (mentally/physically/naturally). While some situations call for only a mental perspective or only a physical perspective or simply a natural perspective, other situations are sometimes better understood through the combination of all 3 at once.

As an example, you could have someone who has reached the very depths of depression. Mentally the dialogue is brutal. Mentally, the memories that fuel such brutal dialogue are typically all negative. Such recall offers nothing but a depressing kind of truth to visualise or hear and believe in. It's like the brain is looking for proof of how hopeless things are, so it searches for evidence of hopelessness and finds it. The brain is a processor and will therefor access all programs that person does a search for.

Physically, we have to have a certain type of chemical interaction going on within us to not be depressed. If the chemistry that's required for a positive perspective isn't in full swing, the outcome dictates we will live life through depressing chemistry. Whether it's raised through natural resources or chemical input (meds), we'll experience and feel the difference once things are rebalanced.

From a natural perspective, it is said that every significant challenge involves a graduation process. We don't automatically graduate, we are challenged to learn and then are put to the test. We are examined on what we've learned so far. Do we pass or 'fail'. I don't like to see us as 'failing'. It's much better to see this as proof of the need to learn more or maybe even learn differently (in a more relatable way), in order to graduate to the next level of understanding our self and life. You have a new 'teacher' in your psychologist who will give you a better understanding of what it is you face in yourself and your challenges. If she's good, you'll experience yourself graduating to greater self understanding.

So, we could try fixing our thought processing alone and this may only make a small difference. We could try fixing just our chemistry yet if our inner dialogue is not addressed, this remains a problem. We could try to graduate through our challenges but this will be a monumental struggle if our chemistry or mental programs remain an issue. Address the mental programs, address the chemical imbalance and address all the ways in which we can raise our self and things begin to shift.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

My psychologist mentioned a very similar thing to me today to what you have mentioned where you say that the brain looks for things to sort of support your state of depression if you like. She made me write some things down over the last week and bring them into her and she read back to me and basically all were negative thoughts/ideas and my brain doing it's best to ignore all logic and reasoning and just find the evidence that supports whatever feeling I was writing down which compounds the depression.

I may have mentioned before that a difficult thing for me at the moment to sort of get a grip on is that from the outside and on a surface level I have really no excuse to feel the way I am and I also don't believe I necessarily give off the impression that I think some of the things I think about myself. I think this is also where I can understand my parents' frustration in me not being able to see what they see in me because they always say it's clear as day.

I mentioned today that I am not sure why I am hard wired the way I am to think this way or what has even caused it to this extent, I honestly can't give an accurate answer and I feel guilty that I can't, but I just know that it takes over my mind and it is hard to stop it most of the time. Sometimes I think to myself when I wake "today I am going to just be ok and I can just be what I am supposed to and what others see", but I think whilst that may be a good affirmation to have at the start of the day it definitely doesn't pan out that way and I need help to turn that thought into a reality I suppose.

There have been small little break throughs with her so far which don't make things seem as bad as my mind wants me to believe as I can really see that the struggles I have been having have been deep seated for much of my young adult life in particular.

I remembered something you mentioned to me once in which you said at some point you've had enough of feeling this way and you want to change, forgive me if I can't recall exactly, but I do feel this way I just think I am lacking in courage, skill and confidence to execute it but hopefully she can help me along I guess.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

To be someone who feels so deeply is a gift. To be someone who feels so deeply can also resemble some kind of a curse. Two sides of the same (feeling) coin. I figure, no matter which side of the coin you're working with, you're working with an ability, the ability to feel. Sometimes it can come down to 'Few around me have that same intense ability. So, how do I manage it when few around me understand it or can relate to it?'.

Just say, for example, you were born sensitive (able to sense so much) and you retained or maintained that level of sensitivity or sense ability right through into adulthood. What if you could (physically) feel the intent behind someone's ill meaning words? What if you could feel courage trying to work up in you? What if you could feel sound, such as too much sound in a crowded room or feel how something smells, such as the comforting/peaceful sensational smells that come from your mum or dad's cooking? What if you could feel whether you've successfully integrated into a group or not? List goes on. So, you could actually say you have the ability to feel everything, including the need to know yourself better. This is obviously a feeling you trust, otherwise you wouldn't be seeking guidance through the psychologist.

Through my own experience over time, I've come to believe...with many feelings there is need for skill. For example, while working with the feeling of courage, the skill may involve us developing a different/new dialogue so that our nervous system reads the situation as 'fight', not 'flight'. While working with the feeling of confusion, the skill may involve developing our self to be more a questioner or strategic analyst or detective in a way. While working with the feeling of being made fun of, perhaps a skill may involve us working on finding our self more amusing, not taking our self so seriously most of the time.

Of course, all easier said than done, developing such skills. Some can take time and require a lot of practice. Developing certain skills can involve working out (of us) a lot of false beliefs we've been holding onto for years.

Feeling our triggers is one thing, working out all that's behind them is another. What if you were to begin exploring basic feelings? Unusual examples perhaps but how does the smell of a lemon leave you feeling? Take notice. What about the sound of traffic in the distance? What about stretching out all that relaxed energy when you first wake up in the morning?

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Ive definitely come to realise I certainly feel things a lot harder or more intensely and I think it contributes to not being able to move on quickly past certain things. For example if a relationship ends some people would have the attitude that it’s just onto the next one whereas I really dwell on it and everything I could have done better etc because I really feel the disappointment. Not to say the other type of people don’t because I’m sure they do but I admire how they can move on better than what I can, feels like a weakness to me.

I seem to dread the weekends as it approaches these days as it’s an opportunity for my mind to run wild on my own because I’ll have more down time than when I am working. Tonight is a great example where I’m just down and defeated again.

I feel ashamed of myself because of the way I think given I’ve got good parents, a job, education and all these things going for me but I can’t use them to my advantage and become happy and relaxed in myself I feel like I’m pathetic because of this

No one is impacted positively by me, no one I have dated has good memories of me I’ll never have that impact on a girl ever in my life or people in general, it’s all not worth and I don’t feel worth it.

I feel like I’m just not good enough for this stuff, I’m not a package as my parents like to say that’s what it comes down to end of the day, I’m good on paper but ultimately a disappointment of a guy and I’ve wasted my life.

sorry for going on another tangent it’s just an unstoppable roller coaster at the moment

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Always feel free to express what comes to mind. I'm a bit of a roller coaster person myself at times, so I can relate. The internal dialogue yesterday, for example, was a shocker. I sat in the armchair binging on Netflix while overeating which triggered a destructive lot of dialogue, 'You're so lazy, you're hopeless, all you do is eat, life is never going to change. It's never going to get better. You're pathetic'. As I've mentioned before, if you can imagine that angel on one shoulder and devil on the other, no need to guess which side this was coming from. The other side dictated 'The reason you're in the chair is because you can't work today, having hurt your foot. You're staying off your feet, which is what you're actually meant to be doing'. Makes sense but wait for it, here it comes again 'That's fine but you don't have to be such a pig about it'. Back and forward all day it went. I sound a bit like an insane person but being in 2 minds tends to lead us to appear this way at times. So, what does my imaginary angel dictate this morning? 'Today, you're going to make a difference. You can't keep doing the same thing and expect not to become depressed'. So true.

The 'analysing past relationships' thing can definitely become tormenting. There's the challenge to not become angry with our self or beat our self up too much while in a state of analysis or self analysis. Perhaps those who move on quickly basically analyse what went wrong. Those who struggle perhaps struggle with intricate or detailed analysis. Naturally, the 2nd takes more time and is more challenging to work through. There are pros and cons to both basic analysis and detailed.

I can honestly say my life took off around the start of my 30s. Up until that point I felt like I was kind of twisting in the wind without serious direction. I've met a lot of people who've said the same thing. I've heard it said that we go though a significant change every 7 years. For example, from 0-7 we largely identify with our parents, while still maintaining elements of our natural self. 7-14 may be spent identifying our self beyond our family. 14-21 may be spent in a kind of experimental stage, with our parents perhaps trying to bring us back down to earth on occasion ('grounding' us). 21-28 may be spent establishing our self independently, while getting a feel for the world and where we fit into it. By the time we hit 49 (7x7) cue he mid life crisis (of identity) if we haven't worked out who we are.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I can definitely relate to what you say about internal dialogue. I think at the moment all of it is pretty much that negative side for sure.

I think you’re right also about the different stages on life even though I probably don’t have the wisdom of experience to say it.

I just feel alone like I’ve said even though there are family and friends around I just keep feeling that way.

And like I’ve said to be honest I feel like I’m a disappointment of a person, I seem good on paper but in reality I’m not

[therising]

Hi Daniel

When I look back over the years, I imagine saying to my younger depressed self, 'The best is yet to come'. To be honest, my younger self wouldn't have believed it. I laugh when I think of my younger self saying 'You're old, you don't understand'. It's funny, at 51 I don't feel old, I just feel like me. I don't see age or race or gender and stuff like that, I simply see people for who they are. If I told my younger self what her life would turn out to be up to this point, she'd laugh and say 'You're full of it. I don't believe any of it. For a start, I don't like kids so why would I want 2 of my own? I never want to travel overseas, so how is it possible that I'd go? I have no intention of getting married, so how could I end up married?'. If I gave my younger self the news that she'd end up no longer drinking, she'd stress at the thought while perhaps saying 'How am I meant to cope with life without drinking?'.

It's funny how sometimes I imagine my future self showing up, when I have no idea what I'm meant to be doing with my life or when I feel down and lost at times. What would my future self say? Not sure, could be something like 'I promise, you'll be a different person in 5 years time, from who you are now. Have faith that your mind will change and not be so self limiting. You'll be living under different circumstances, having evolved beyond who you are right now'. Something like that. What I wouldn't say is 'You're full of it'. I've learned, based on past experience, it's hard to predict the future. It can look completely different from how we envision it, based on our current view point.

Sounds a bit simplistic perhaps but imagine standing with someone at some lookout point, overlooking a vast expanse of land. You're looking through one of those big metal telescopes that typically stand at such lookouts. You're looking in one direction and all you see is an expanse of a kind of 'nothingness' (a lack of trees, a lack of paths or roads, a lack of mountains, a lack of sun covering the land etc). Then the guide you're with says to you 'Daniel, you're looking in the wrong direction. Swing that scope this way'. Then what you see is altogether different. It's rather incredible.

Guidance, direction and focus are all keys when it comes to where we long to head. The best guidance will always point us in the best direction, while our guides offer skills in navigating the toughest terrain. Exciting days ahead with the psychologist, your guide.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

There's definitely a lot of merit in what you're saying and I think part of the problem which I am hoping I can change with the psychologist is that I am either not allowing myself to see a future where my situation gets any better or am I purely focusing on the feelings I have in the here and now.

As I might have mentioned before strangely like I know the basics of what I want (ie a partner and family to build), it's when I look at how I can practically go about finding this or the past history of failures in trying to find it or my shortcomings as person where the lack of hope comes from.

In addition to this and I don't think I fully realised this until now but it seems like beyond this basic goal or hope for my future I don't really know what I want to do. I don't even mean anything grand either, I mean basic stuff like what do I want to do on weekends or on week nights after work that will give me some sort of enjoyment of life or will at least help me become a relaxed version of myself. Whilst I say the basics of what I want is a partner and a family I think I really want to be able to be comfortable in who I am and be able to function in a relaxed way for once, honestly cannot remember the last time where I can say "oh yes that was where I felt myself and I wasn't affected by overthinking or lack of belief in myself and I was in the moment".

Like I have said previously I feel ashamed of myself that despite all these things I supposedly have going for me that in reality I feel like I am a disappointment as a person. I've started looking back on things I have done and what makes me interesting based on past experience, now I don't know if I am choosing not to see any of it or I really have just done nothing with myself.

Also, I recently got asked by someone "what do you do outside work?" like for enjoyment or past time...and to be honest I was absolutely panicked to answer the question as ridiculous as it sounds because I am afraid of giving an unflattering answer.

I guess given all my thoughts are very random and sporadic I don't want to get into a situation with the psychologist where I can seem to get to the bottom of everything.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I dread that question 'What do you do outside of work?' or even the question 'So, what have you been up to?'. My mind automatically draws a blank and I'm led to think 'Nothing interesting', in both cases. Now, this is where some damaging internal dialogue can suddenly be set off, such as 'You're so boring. What's wrong with you? You should be doing more with your life' etc. While I don't necessarily set out to impress people with a response, I'd at least like to impress or amaze myself. I'd like to hear a part of me say 'Gee, you're amazing. You have such an amazing life'. Perhaps the ultimate goal is to impress our self rather than trying to impress others.

What do I want to do? To be honest, I have no idea. I think, under these circumstances, it could be a matter of 'Well, if I have no idea, the least I can do is let others lead me to do things'. No harm in that, unless it's harmful (logically). If someone's going to lead me to go out to a new restaurant I've never tried before, no harm in that. If my daughter leads me to go out to dinner with her boyfriend's parents for the first time (as was the case the Sunday just gone), no harm in that. If someone leads me to travel interstate and explore and I've got the time and money and good company, no harm in that. Btw, the stress I experienced in the lead up to meeting his parents on Sunday was pretty challenging. With a fear of being judged, a fear of not being able to carry a conversation and the fear of perhaps saying the wrong thing, my fears we're getting the better of me. It turned out to be a great evening with some great people. His mum also faces some challenge with social anxiety which is a topic we talked and laughed over. They're genuinely lovely and easygoing people. It was a pleasure to have met them over a lovely meal.

When referring to life experience, I used to think this is something people spoke about with a sense of arrogance. When someone says 'I've had more experience than you', it can feel like a put down at times. It wasn't until I gained more life experience that I realised the relevance of it. If a 70yo person said to me 'I've had more experience with social anxiety than you, based on the number of years I've been managing it', I'd ask for tips on how they've managed it for so long. The reason I mention this is based on the fact you'll gain experience as you go along. Such experiences and gradual skill development will come to serve you as time goes by. Have faith in that.