Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I originally had damage to my neck too but that subsided, I think a lot of what’s going on as well is fear of something happening again.

Whilst it seems trivial I don’t think I have realised until I started coaching how much that injury and not being able to actually play when I was at really my physical peak in terms of playing and fitness has impacted me. I don’t think I fully came to terms with the fact that something that’s been part of my life since I can remember is gone at a time where I didn’t want it to go.

I think I can use the coaching as something to try and really invest in and fill the void. It is difficult at my age coaching adults but I think I need to really use it as a benefit for my mental health by investing in it.

I understand what you mean with the public transport example, that’s pretty much me with any sort of large group of people or unfamiliar people.

For example, I did sign up for mixed sport but have not gone as of yet because I am far to anxious about looking weird rocking up on my own, the whole thing terrifies me if I’m honest.

It’s a strange time at the moment because I know logically certain thought patterns and behaviours are not helping me and I need to change them I guess I’m just afraid of taking a first step or feel like I’ll fail

[Daniel12]

Hi Hanna

Certainly I appreciate your advice and I encourage anyone to use my thread to air out their thoughts or give advice as I genuinely appreciate it and that’s why I come here

I’d like to do as you mentioned I just struggle to communicate that feeling with my parents because they are quite old school and were just made to “get on with it” when they may have been in my position.

I thought maybe I can put together a list of things I can do to get myself back to enjoying things, even if it’s small routine things I guess I’m not sure

Again, thanks a lot for your help 🙂

[Hanna3]

Hi Daniel

I have European friends and they were pushing their son (in his 30s) to get married.

He found the pressure from them too much and explained to them that while he appreciated they wanted the best for him, he needed some space for a while.

They did back off, and after some time getting himself sorted, he has just got engaged to a lovely girl.

He really just needed time out after a bad break up and then he found the right partner.

The accident and disappointment with your sport would take some time to recover from. I was a keen cyclist and ballroom dancer until an injury stopped me from both sports.

It took me quite a while to come to terms with it and find other interests I could pursue - swimming and tai chi.

I don't think you're giving yourself enough time to recover and pressure from your parents sounds stressful.

Maybe you can aim to ease up on the pressure you put on yourself.

Sometimes we can be our harshest critic.

🙂

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Grief is such a tough thing to face. Whether it involves the loss of a much loved person, a much loved job, a much loved sport or a much loved lifestyle, how much we love will dictate the depth of our grief when the connection is lost. While such things still exist, yet in different forms, reforming the connection presents a tough mind altering challenge. Unless the mind is altered, we're destined to forever suffer through the loss and how we perceive it. Perhaps as you go on to develop a love of coaching your mindset will change. Early days yet. Perhaps the love has not had time to develop in its full form, just as the connections between you and those you coach have not yet had time to develop. I imagine future discussions amongst those you coach to sound a little like 'Daniel is such a brilliant coach. He's the best one I've ever come across. He's such a nice guy too'. Don't rule out this possibility.

Those who have faced the kind of loss you have, will be able to relate to the grief and deep challenges presented. I think of a friend who was an all 'round sportsman. He loved sport with a passion. When sustaining a life changing back injury, he lost his identity as an all 'round sportsman. It was a massive part of who he was. He missed the adrenaline and all the chemistry and emotion that came with playing sport. It was deeply depressing for him before he developed some new connections in life. It was a seriously tough process for him that took some time.

I think the toughest challenges in life can be the ones that leave us with little choice. When the choice is between what you fear and what you fear, it's even harder because there's no choice but to work through and beyond fear. These are the kinds of challenges that push us to develop fearlessness. It's pretty much 'I have no choice but to become fearless'. Up until a challenge like this, there may never have been such a push. 'A little fearless here and there' may have been involved in the challenges of the past but a new challenge can present us with the test to discover 'The ultimate level of fearlessness' within our self. This can be extremely confronting, especially if we lack skills in being so fearless. Skills such as the ability to switch off thinking/thought processing (in favour of simply doing, without a thought) and the ability to channel constructive internal dialogue are just a couple worth exercising.

[Daniel12]

Hi Hanna

Thanks for your advice and kind words I really appreciate it a lot.

I think I’m going to try talk to my parents as you mentioned, they get quite passionate when I talk to them (it’s with good intentions) so that makes me hesitant because I struggle to articulate myself verbally I feel.

Maybe I need to make a list of things to sort of check off with myself to try and get back to being comfortable with me, I’ve hit some big set backs recently which aren’t helping so feels a bit like 1 step forward and 5 steps back.

I really appreciate your advice thank you 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I think I am a very fearful person to be completely honest, not sure if it’s related to self esteem probably is from a young age.

For example, I’d be fearful of losing friends or people not liking me because I wanted to have friends and be accepted. With soccer I was fearful of looking foolish or making mistakes so I was extremely self critical at times and I drove myself to train a lot to make sure that didn’t happen…probably not a healthy reason to train but it was part of the training for me I feel although I wouldn’t admit it at the time. Even with coaching I am fearful of failing and being judged by my players etc.

You mentioned channeling constructive internal dialogue and stopping overthought as a couple things to practice….may I ask if you’ve done any practical things that you think might help a guy like me or do I seem just too all over the shop and a rambling mess

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Practicing not thinking can be a serious challenge because we spend so much time doing it. To spend most of our life analysing or mentally processing things can mean that this form of problem solving is so well exercised that we kind of can't help our self but do it.

Practicing going in and out of thinking, in order to achieve a goal, might look a little like the following

• Just say what pops into your head is 'Go and check the letterbox'. You might think 'I can't be bothered'. The challenge is to get up, walk to the front door and then to the front gate, all without thinking your way out of checking the letterbox. As you're walking to the front door, you might notice the marks on the walls or a scuff mark on the inside of the front door. As you make your way down the garden path, you might notice all the flowers that line the garden path. You're not necessarily thinking about the letterbox until you actually get to it. Observing the finer details of everything around you replaces thinking about getting the mail, until you reach your objective
• Depending on what floats your boat, whether you're a believer in higher consciousness of your own brain, divine consciousness/guidance or a combo of both, it can be a matter of tuning into what leads you to not have to think so much. It's kind of like simply following the best advice. I'll choose higher consciousness of your own brain/mind as an example. First, identify you have a 'best friend', your higher consciousness/higher self. It's reliable and will tell you exactly what you need to know. Can be hard to tap into at times, especially under stress. If you're thinking 'I should be going to that all sport gathering that I looked into', your 'best friend' may pop in with 'Just go and see how it turns out. Stop thinking about it and just do it'. This is where you may begin to argue with your self, 'But what if it doesn't work out. What if I walk away feeling really deflated'. Your best friend/higher self might respond with 'Go or don't go, the choice is ultimately yours'. When it comes down to it, you're arguing with your higher self instead of letting it guide you every step of the way. How to stop arguing becomes the challenge

If you look back over time, you might see where your higher self chimed in. Being nervous while going for a job interview, it may have sounded like 'You got this. Don't stress'. You know you've tapped in because it's always constructive. It'll also challenge or push you at times.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Thanks a lot for the tips and advice I really appreciate it, I am going to try my best to start practicing some things you have and others have mentioned.

I think I need to go away and just try and find who I am again and get back to being myself as at the moment I am very much just making things up as I go, questioning every decision I make and seriously questioning my self worth as a person.

I feel this is the right thing for me the difficulty I feel is guilt and feeling selfish in doing it as I have been seeing someone and whilst it has not gone badly I am very on the fence about it given how I feel about myself and I don't know I just feel like it's unfair of me to put pressure on not only myself but the other person to commit to something long term in this frame of mind as I feel very sporadic. She is moving away from Melbourne in a few weeks as well and originally I didn't have too much of an issue and would see what we can do but when I sit back and think about it, it probably won't suit long term to be a fair distance apart and given how I feel about myself it all just exacerbates everything. I have tried not to think about that as I enjoy just the company of someone if I am honest as selfish as it sounds given there's feelings involved etc.

I guess this sort of situation has also made it a bit clearer to me I need to sort my sh*t out pardon the expression. I say this because I am acting very randomly and out of character, not necessarily in a toxic way but it's uncomfortable and I don't feel it's sustainable given my family values and upbringing etc.

I have thought about things mentioned on here that maybe it's me sort of breaking free a bit which in a sense I think it is but I think it's also mainly having absolutely no idea what I want in a partner and even just for myself at this very moment.

I am trying my hardest to do right by everyone that I struggle to articulate how I am feeling without making phrases such as "I need time for myself" sound like a cop out.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

As I may have mentioned before - You'll know you're on a quest based on the questioning. A minor quest will hold a minor amount of questions. A massive quest will hold a massive amount of questions. No quest holds no questions. The following's not a criticism, simply a comparison - My husband rarely ever questions himself. He believes he knows who he. I'm often questioning myself while in the process of finding greater versions of myself. Eg: My husband will declare he has little energy based on his belief 'It's just a part of getting old' (he's only in his 50s btw). On the other hand, I'll question as to why I don't have enough energy to feel the connection to life I need to feel, so as to be more productive. Constructive questioning leads to constructive answers/revelations. I don't generate enough energy through exercise, I don't ingest enough energy through the right types of food and good levels of hydration (leading to powerful chemical reactions), I don't breathe in enough energy/oxygen (I'm such a shallow breather a lot of the time), I don't absorb enough solar power (generating vitamin D), I don't consciously power up through inspiration via my imagination and so on. Once I practice all these things, bamm, I'm like a powerhouse.

One of the best ways to come to know our self is through questioning. Definitely pays to find the answers, which is the challenging part.

Someone once said to me something along the lines of 'Write down your challenges, your questions and your answers or revelations because you may come to forget them'. I suppose you'd call this journaling. Oooh, just had a revelation: Journaling is about the journey 🙂 I've recently come to fully understand what they were getting at. I think you've mentioned before, yourself, that it can feel like you're making progress and then, at some point, you come to question whether you actually have made any real progress. I can relate. Looking back through a journal can offer evidence of progress. It can also offer certain revelations we've hit on that we may have forgotten about. So, it's like you can be reminded of a revelation that might fully relate to a challenge you're in at this point 6 months down the track from when you initially hit on that revelation. The journal becomes a book of reference. If it's in the form of a dated diary, it becomes a timeline of progress.

Do you think such a reference may make some constructive difference? I think I'll give it a go myself 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I did have a journal starting earlier in the year, after reading your post I went back to it to read through and you can see where I thought I was making progress and can also see where this nose dive started with the last entry. I think I’ll try get back into it to air my thoughts out as I have hit a new rock bottom I’d never thought I’d be at.

I’m starting to feel like I really give no value at all to any part of life or to anyones life at all. It really would not matter at all if I wasn’t around as I do not provide anything substantial to anything.

I really have no redeeming features as a young male, I lack charisma as a young man and I wouldn’t say I’m overly interesting at all as a person. Im very boring and if I was not in the room there would be no loss.

I feel like if I disappeared there would be no loss as I just am a sorry excuse for a 26 year old guy, my family is why I try to dig myself out of this but I am struggling