Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[Hanna3]

Hi Daisy

I'm sorry you're feeling lonely and frightened. I'm glad the Beyond Blue team has contacted you here and I hope you get some help and support.

Please know that there are people here who care about you.

I hope you are safe tonight. 🙂🌸🌻🏵️

[therising]

Hi Daisy

I'm glad Sophie's been able to give you significant guidance that may help steer you in the best direction.

It's a horrible feeling, when we don't feel safe in freely expressing our self. It can become stressful and potentially depressing if we're not careful, if we don't find someone to speak with or vent to. Not a lot is able to be resolved without us getting out what we need to get out and make better sense of.

If you're sensing a level of abuse, what level does it feel like? Is is subtle abuse, which can be hard to pick at times? Is it obvious mental abuse? Is it severe mental and physical abuse? What does it feel like to you? Can you pinpoint where or who it's coming from?

[therising]

Hi Daniel

It can be hard for people to relate to how we can be so down on our self, when we're feeling so lost or in such a dark place. I get where your parents are coming from. They're trying to convince you of something you just can't fully see - how amazing you are. While people can be pushing us to see the best in our self, the down side of shutting down negativity is - we don't get the opportunity to express it and explore it (where it came from and why we're feeling it).

As I may have mentioned before, depression can feel like some nasty little creature perched upon your shoulder, whispering into your ear all the depressing things that keep someone in depression. The dialogue can be absolutely brutal at times. Someone who sees the truth may say 'You're amazing. You are one of the most beautiful people on the face of the earth'. That nasty little creature called 'Depression' convinces you otherwise: 'They've got no idea how stupid you really are. You're far from beautiful, you're horrible and you're pathetic'. The dialogue is soul destroying. While this thing called 'Depression' has you under its spell, everyone around you is saying stuff to try and break that spell. It can be an incredibly strong spell to break.

I suppose mantras/key phrases are a kind of 'spell breaker', which is why people are so big on them. They can help ward off negativity. The mantra 'I am not hopeless, I am simply lost at the moment, in the process of developing direction' might be one. Another might be 'I will open my mind to see what's not yet clear to me'. A good mantra must hold something constructive, otherwise it has no positive impact. You can develop as many as you want or need. Of course, depression will dictate 'Words aren't going to make any difference' which may stop you from exploring the mantras/word combinations you may need to develop. Certain combinations will unlock parts of you. Depression can interfere with development. For example, you could develop the mantra 'When I feel the need for guidance, I will seek guidance' then depression may chime in with 'You should be doing this yourself'. With just about any constructive mantra you try to develop, depression will come up with something to counteract it. Watch out for that. It's actually rather interesting, to channel the observer in you, observing how the dialogues play out.

Your auntie sounds like she has such peaceful traits. Sounds like your 'go to' person when you're looking to feel a sense of peace.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Thank you so much for your ongoing support and I have actually written down those example mantras you wrote as they strike a cord with me I try to read these each morning and hopefully I can stick to this habit until I believe them and make them a reality.

I think a large part of this is I feel like a failure for wanting to take a timeout and stop looking for a partner and I feel like it's giving up and I am letting people down and am a bad person with no ambition.

It feels like at 26 I should not need to do this

[therising]

Hi Daniel

A time out will come at many different stages of life in a variety of forms. I believe it's what we do with it that matters. Whether it's a time out from finding the right partner for the sake of self development, a time out (long service leave or annual leave) from a job that we need to escape from for a while or a time out simply to relax more, often we can feel the need.

If there's one significant time out many people reach it's 'the mid life crisis' point. Personally, I believe it to be somewhat of a crisis of identity, to be more specific. Kind of like 'Who am I really? Am I this person who's destined to spend the rest of my life in this depressing job? How did I become this person who's traded an exciting exhilarating car for a boring family sedan? How did I become someone who settles for a mundane marriage, where my spouse is content with doing next to nothing?'. With this type of time out (deep contemplation) things can go 'right' or they can go 'wrong', based on opinion. A promotion or constructive change of career is explored. A convertible is purchased so the family can be led to smiles and laughter as they feel the wind in their hair. More excitement and adventure is developed in the marriage, leading to that 'honeymoon' feeling all over again. On the other hand: A person leaves their job on an impulse, they buy a car for themself without thinking of their family and they have an affair.

I think we can feel the need for a time out on occasion yet suppress that need, based on a number of factors. We can suppress and suppress and suppress until the call becomes so great that we just can't ignore it anymore. Whether it's a mental nagging sort of call, a physical call in the way of the disease that comes with ongoing stress or an emotional soulful call that screams 'There's got to be more to life than this!', it comes in one way or another.

If what you're experiencing is a call for 'Time out', it's not your fault that you recognise it and others don't. It points to your ability to recognise it. If you develop your ability to recognise the call for a time out, this will come to serve you. Imagine hitting 50 and while many of those around you are saying 'I don't know what's wrong with me, I just don't feel happy in life', you say 'I know what this is, I recognise this feeling. It's time for contemplation and self development'. 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising


I feel like if I take the time out I’m letting people down and giving up.
Like it may be someone I’m dating it might sound like a cop out to say I need a time out for myself and then feels like I’m letting my parents down as well.


On the outside looking in people really have no idea I’d be struggling like this because on surface things are fine and I have a good career and things like that so people might think what’s my problem.


To be totally honest I don’t know exactly what the problem is, I know parts of it is putting pressure on myself to make decisions about dating people when I’m not 100% comfortable and that I don’t feel like myself.


I’m extremely out of shape since I stopped playing soccer which depresses me as well and I can’t get the energy to get back into gear because I used to really enjoy training for soccer but now even if I try it to get some fitness back or enjoyment I get headaches and stuff from the injury. So I just end up depressed anyway

[therising]

Hi Daniel

That sounds incredibly frustrating, putting in the hard work to gain a greater level of fitness, only to find the hard work triggers pain. Do you think it would make some difference when it comes to revisiting the issues with the injury, maybe like getting a new set of scans and/or seeing whether there's any gentle physio work you could possibly do to help things along? With all the stress you've been under, perhaps this may have created some physical tension in the muscles, not helping matters. It's amazing how when you feel you have the weight of the world on your shoulders it tends to physically manifest around the shoulder and neck area. While physical tension's not the only problem, based on the type of injury you received, it could perhaps be playing a small part in some way. Could releasing some of the tension make some difference to the way the body repairs itself?

Feeling like we're letting people down as we give up is a seriously tough feeling to deal with, that's for sure. Took me a long time to get a sense of what that process was really about for me, personally. It seems to happen more so on occasions where I'm facing significant transitional points in life. For example, I could be dealing with a lot of personal analysis, in the effort to better understand myself and my struggles, when others say 'You need to stop thinking so much. Stop over analysing'. To 'get better' without thinking/analysing, for their sake, is a lot of pressure. I finally made the decision that those who want me to stop analysing my challenges have to suck up the fact that this is how I resolve things - working them out through careful analysis. If they want to help me work things out, this may actually help speed up the process. Simply saying 'Stop thinking so much' doesn't work for me and people who know me well know this. With the 'giving up' part, I see giving up as giving up who I don't want to be. If I don't want to be someone who suppresses, to make others happy, I have to give up or sacrifice the part of myself that suppresses. If I follow their rules or guidelines, they'll all be happy but I won't. I've found this sort of management gets seriously depressing after a while. Not being our true self can become depressing.

Over time, I've come to constructively ask 'Who do I need to let down, from their expectations?' and 'What do I need to give up, so as to move on?'. They're not always easy questions to answer.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Bexause it’s a head injury I don’t know if a physio could help but I will ask around and see what they say, might have to see my doctor again I guess

I guess I’m trying to work out what I have to do to in order to get out of this hole I feel like I’m in.

Sorry to sound like a broken record when I say this but it feels like if I’m to take a break for myself then I am wasting valuable time to find a partner and that’s where I feel pressure but then I feel like I’m not myself and it wouldn’t be right to look for someone, it’s very confusing

A friend of mine suggested that maybe if I don’t look so hard for it and just try to enjoy things and get back to being myself then it may find me, I guess I understand that but I also understand it won’t fall out of the sky either. I don’t know that many people, I don’t go out with friends a lot (my own birthday had to get cancel lol) so I guess I see no end to this

I’m starting to think I have a serious problem with myself or in my head that I can’t think straight and am all over the place, not sure how it comes across.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Can't help but wonder whether their was any kind of injury to your neck, kind of like a whiplash scenario. If the head takes a sudden impact, typically it'll radiate through into the neck/spine. Of course, I'm no expert. Simply can't help but wonder.

I think your friend offers some good advice. Taking some time out to reconnect with yourself and gain a greater sense of who you are as you move through life sounds like it could be the way to go. Hard not to see this as losing time when it comes to finding a partner but the time it takes for a certain process to play out can be hard to predict. You might come across 3 significant mind altering life changing revelations over the next few months that lead you to open your mind in amazing ways and, in turn, lead you to find exactly the right relationship. Those 3 revelations could happen in the next week, leading you to see life differently by the end of the week. As I say, hard to predict sometimes how things are going to play out. One of the things I've learned in life is it pays to put myself out there and 'investigate' who I am. A simple example involves my fear of catching public transport successfully. Sounds a bit weird, given such a task is so simplistic but it actually causes me a degree of anxiety. A lot of it comes down to me rarely doing it, as I have a car and drive pretty much everywhere. Another factor comes down to the fact that I don't trust I have the ability to do it easily. There are times where I'll push myself to catch public transport, proving to myself who I really am. I am 'Someone who stresses in the lead up to catching public transport successfully' and that's a fact. I am also 'Someone who, with practice, would eventually do this fearlessly without any issue', which is also a fact. Practice makes perfect. I actually caught a train yesterday and managed to survive 🙂 The experience reassured me that I'm perfectly capable, no matter what I believe. Kind of crazy when you think about it; I can confidently raise 2 amazing human beings (my kids) but feel my self esteem fade in an instant the second someone mentions a need for me to catch a train or a bus. We're quirky creatures, we humans, capable of many things even under pressure.

While we can spend a lifetime trying to prove our self and our worth to other people, the real test comes in trying to prove to our own self who we truly are and what we're really worth. We're priceless and capable, whether we believe it or not 🙂

[Hanna3]

Hi Daniel (hi The Rising)

I know you prefer to only talk with the Rising here, but I'm going to say something.

What do you think about telling your parents to take off the pressure on you to meet someone. You're only 26, there is still heaps of time to meet a partner and under pressure you are more likely to make a bad decision.

I think you need to work on yourself, see the psychologist, renew your interest in music and sports, do some meditation or tai chi and for goodness sake learn to relax a bit.

You should be enjoying yourself a bit more.

I don't think you're in the right place in yourself to be focusing on a partner at this point. So cut yourself some slack and take some time out would be what I think would be worth doing.

How do you think you would feel if you took the pressure off for a while?

Over to you.

Cheers.