Help I am 90% sure I have depression but I don't know how to tell my parents

[Guest_9965]

I am 14 years old I have really bad anxiety, ADHD, sensory issues, OCD, POTS syndrome (not a mental disorder but I used to be able to run 12 km and now I cant even walk 3) I always feel empty and sad like inside me is just a black hole of empty nothingness and I am not good enough. on the outside though I am able to put on a smile for most of the day but this takes too much energy and I end up crying myself to sleep most days or not sleeping at all. If anyone has any advice I would love to know. (I haven't hurt myself or had suicidal thoughts before)

[Sophie_M]

Hey there,

Welcome to the Forums, we are so glad that you have found us here. This is a safe and supportive space to be able to share what is happening for you.

It sounds like you have been experiencing these feelings for a while now. Those feelings of depression can be incredibly challenging and make everyday life feel exhausting. It is a great step to think about talking to your parents about what you have been experiencing – it is a lot to manage all by yourself.

Talking to your parents about mental health can feel daunting. Our friends at ReachOut have a helpful article on this exact topic – 6 tips for talking to your parents about mental health 

One of the steps is to plan ahead and write down what you want to say. This can be helpful when it comes to challenging conversations because It means we can refer back to it if we feel overwhelmed in the moment.

If you ever wanted to talk, the Beyond Blue counsellors are always here for you on 1300 22 4636, or via webchat. There’s also Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800 or webchat, as well as ReachOut who have some great resources for young people experiencing mental health challenges.
 
Thanks again for sharing. Hopefully some of our lovely community members will spot it here soon enough and may have some understanding or advice for you.  

Feel free to come back to your thread if you feel comfortable, we’re here to help you work through this.  

Kind regards, 
Sophie M 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Guest_9965,

Welcome and it’s great you have reached out for assistance. You are dealing with a lot and it’s understandable you are feeling the emptiness and sadness. I know it isn’t easy to talk to parents at times and it can definitely help to write things down as Sophie suggests to get a sense of what you want to say.

I went through something similar at your age (I’m 49 now). I was a very good long distance runner. Then at 13 I developed fibromyalgia and chronic migraines. Fibromyalgia and migraine involve some autonomic nervous system issues which I know are also a factor in POTS. I went from being physically fit and capable to struggling to walk around the block. So I really feel for you as I know how disheartening it can be.

A good thing is there is a bit better understanding these days of these types of conditions. Not all doctors are as knowledgeable as others, but if you have understanding medical support it can help. Sharing how you are feeling and how these things are impacting you with others who are understanding is important.

If it’s any encouragement, I have found ways over time to manage my conditions.  I’ve learned quite a bit about how the autonomic nervous system works and have learned to work with my body more over time. I have strong sensory issues too but these also have improved a lot compared to what they used to be.

Do you have any hobbies or interests that you enjoy that act as a distraction and give you a focus? I have found music and photography very helpful for me. I think having something you love doing and are able to do gives you good feelings and can even help the conditions you are dealing with and your mental wellbeing too.

Feel free to chat if you would like to. I can recommend calling helplines too as it is often a relief to talk to an understanding human and to not be struggling on your own.

Take good care and know there are people out there who can support you. You are welcome to come back here anytime too.

Kind thoughts and best wishes,

Eagle Ray 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi again, I just thought I’d mention one thing that I discovered helped me in my 20s. I started learning mindfulness meditation and it brought awareness to what was happening in my body and also my overactive thoughts. I gradually learned to let go and become more still and calm within myself. I just wonder if this may help you and even settle you before sleep? I know there’s some apps out there now for things like sleep and meditation, but I’m not up with the latest so there may be others who can recommend some good apps. I’m just thinking that may empower you to know there are tools that can help manage how you are feeling and bring some ease to your mind and body.

[Guest_9965]

thank you for that i really appreciate it 🙂

[Guest_9965]

I am 14 years old, in year 9 and live in Australia. I have depression and constantly feel like my mind is just empty nothingness and I am worthless. I am pretty good at faking a smile during the day but sometimes it is just too hard. schoolwork is almost impossible and I have a panic attack 4/5 school days and sometimes even twice a day. I have ADHD as well and possible autism so if anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it 🙂

[Eagle Ray]

Hi again,

I’m just wondering, is there a school guidance officer or school psychologist at your school? I am wondering if that would be a starting point for you in getting some support?

I have suspected for a long time that I have mild forms of both ADHD and autism and received informal diagnoses from counsellors in 2007 and 2016. However, I haven’t sought formal diagnoses in my case. When I was your age there was no awareness about those things, so I did what you describe you are doing which is to smile and mask the challenges. It can be very tiring to mask all the time 😔

I’m thinking if you can speak with someone like a school counsellor they may be able to help you with some strategies and ways of managing. I think sometimes the panic attacks can emerge out of trying so hard to mask the challenges you are having. I had them too at school but just kept them to myself and didn’t ask for help. That’s why it’s great you are reaching out for assistance.

The helplines Sophie mentions above would also be helpful starting points. One thing about neurodivergent conditions is that they often involve having particular strengths as well. You will likely have some very useful traits and abilities that come with them. You may have a higher level of sensitivity (including the sensory sensitivity you mention), but that can also mean creativity, empathy and other positive traits that may be strong in you. So sometimes it can be a case of turning what seem like deficits into superpowers! Sometimes it’s a case of finding the right support along the way to help nurture these strengths while developing strategies along the way for the things you find challenging.

Are you able to express the things you find difficult? I know you mention schoolwork being difficult. Is it hard to concentrate in class or to organise and manage your time to do homework?

I had difficulty hearing anything teachers said when I was at school so I often didn’t know what was going on and found it hard to follow instructions. I’ve since learnt some ways to bring myself more into the present. One way is through grounding exercises where I just allow myself to use my senses to be aware of things around me in the room, coming back to the present moment. I see what I can see, hear, touch etc and it can be quite calming. I might also sense my feet on the floor and kind of come back into awareness of my own body. That does help a bit to allow me to be more present and able to take in information. I just mention that in case it is helpful for you.

[Guest_9965]

Hi, thank you so much for your advice and for spending time to help me. to answer your questions there is a counsellor at school and I speak to a psychologist for the other stuff outside of school as well. I honestly don't know how to unmask in public because I am scared that people will judge or say that I am over reacting or faking for attention. I have found a few strengths with ADHD I can hyperfocus but not all the time and sometimes it is impossible to do this. I don't like expressing my feelings/weaknesses because I am scared that people will judge or make fun of me. The school work isn't the problem I get good grades and have won various academic awards I just can't focus on my work and homework is near impossible as my brain is already switched off for the day after I get home and 15-minute homework has taken me 2 hours in the past because it is physically impossible to start, the more homework the harder it is to start if that makes sense. again thank you for spending the time to help me I really appreciate it and I will look into the grounding exercises to see if that might help me. 🙂

[Eagle Ray]

Hi again,

It is great you have a school counsellor and the psychologist as well, but I do understand about the challenge of unmasking in public. I know some forms of ADHD are quieter and not so hyperactive. You can be very intelligent but struggling away quietly and no one knows, unlike the really hyperactive forms of ADHD where it is obvious. So it can feel exposing to share about it and you may wonder if others will understand. I am wondering if you do choose to share it if you can explain that you may not have the most hyperactive form (which is the sense I'm getting but let me know if I'm wrong), but that certain things are a struggle for you. It may help people understand a bit better.

Also, as I get older, I am finding I worry less and less about what other people think. However, I know at your age it can feel like a bigger deal and I really understand that. But I wonder if you can know deep down inside of yourself you are none of the things that you imagine people might think (e.g. faking, attention seeking etc). Often our fears about what we think other people think are bigger than the reality of what others do think. People can be more understanding than we think they will be. Sometimes they may not know what to say to us right away, but that does not necessarily mean they are judging us. If they do judge, we get a sense of who our most trusted people are compared to those who perhaps are not the main people to share our personal information with. As long as you know deep down who you are, it can be possible to move on from any judgements if they do happen.

I understand the difficulty focussing on your work and homework. I was very similar. I don't know if this happens to you, but I would see the totality of everything at once and then get overwhelmed by it. These days I have learned to break things down into individual tasks or separate components. So, if cooking dinner, I might think to myself, now I am just chopping the sweet potato, now the parsnip, now I'm marinating the chicken etc. With a school assignment, for example, you could just put a boundary around one part of it. So, for example, if an English assignment, you might just only think about the introduction and nothing else until you've done that. Or you may choose to focus on another section first and do the intro last (once you have written the others parts). Sometimes it is easier to begin if you are just focussed on one component of something rather than the whole thing.

I know it can be challenging. I feel like I swing between hyperfocus and being very scattered. I think this is where the grounding helps. Instead of my brain going into overwhelm and then getting stuck, I just gently bring myself back to my senses and the present moment. What can I feel, hear, see, smell and taste (if eating) - just coming back to a kind of stillness with in. This can slow the whirlwind of being scattered right down. From what I've read, people with ADHD have minds that can work very fast. I see this in my friend with ADHD. He will be telling me something and then all of a sudden he stops and goes blank. I've heard this explained as the mind working faster than words/speech and actions which cannot keep up with the speed of thoughts. So sometimes if we can slow our mind down to a simpler, slower pace, we are no longer so scattered. It's like we can have a bit of a rest in that quieter, slower place within, and then from there we can begin to focus on individual tasks again.

I don't know if any of that helps?! But I think that is the way I have been learning to function better myself. Also, I'm practising being kinder to myself. So if you can treat yourself with kindness, patience and care, I think that can make everything easier. Treat yourself with the kindness and support you would give to your most cherished friend. If I start getting frustrated with myself for being scattered, for example, I remind myself I am doing my best and to just slow down, take a restful breath and focus gently on the next thing I need to do. All the best 🙂