Hello new here - depression boomerang

[Grace888]

Hello all

I am new to the forum and hope that I will be able to make some positive contributions or at least be able to empathise with others' experiences.

While I like to think that I have my depression 'under control' - after all I have lived with it for 30 years - the fact is that I live in constant fear of it boomeranging back.

And this week it has. Can't sleep, no appetite, feeling anxious, tearful and fearful. The usual.

So, I do the only thing I know works for me. . . drag myself out of bed, get dressed, and go out and fake it until I make it back again.

My frustration is that this is all self-inflicted. I have in the last 3 months taken on exactly the type of job and work environment that in the past was almost guaranteed to stress me out. And it has. I thought I was "more resilient" these days. Not.

A sensible person would say to themselves, "look, I just can't do this" and go and find something else to do that suits them better.

Can't work out why it is that I keep returning to what is for me a poisoned well, hoping that I have developed some kind of immunity, and then getting surprised and upset when it makes me sick.

What is that I am trying to prove?

So, I am now going to sit down apply for another type of job that is less well paid, less salubrious, but which won't drive me nuts.

Thanks for listening and hope to listen to you in turn.

[white knight]

Hi Grace, welcome

This is very common. We acknowledge on the surface we are unwell, we get the diagnosis etc , then when it comes to day to day life hurdles (which includes just going to work and back as well as the work itself) we think these basic tasks are within our natural ability. Far from the truth. That leaves us with but one avenue to learn- the hard way. Which you have done.

So lets expand on this. The community champions here have "been there done that" in their own lives and have travelled the journey. You have, although had depression for decades, still make the mistake of taking on too much. So, yes, your thoughts are on the right track. What about the rest of your life?

In the following thread (Google) Topic: be radical- beyondblue It list the several areas of our life we should attend to, change, alter slightly, alter radically to get to a better more manageable place. Like-

Re- diagnose...Times change and so do we. We can develop more symptoms meaning another added illness etc.

Medications.... re-tweaking is often required. Work with your GP on that

Employment...consider part time

Environment...I'm an advocate for less stress. In my case city living and all those stressful things that go with it like parking, parking fines, traffic, road rage, high rent or mortgage etc. I moved to the country and never looked back.

Finances...my dear wife of 5 years revamped our finances when I was forcibly retired 3 years ago. What a difference that made.

Toxic people...get rid of them. Its tough sometimes but it has to be done.

Community input....regulate it. I don't believe its fruitful for those with mental illness to get too involved in committees and the like. Its too easy to get into conflict. eg. In out tiny town there was a working bee two weeks ago. I didn't attend. But the next day filled three bags of roadside rubbish up...on my own when walking our dog.

So you can see its really a comprehensive examination of my life so when visitor arrive I'm refreshed. By the time they leave, 3 days later, I'm exhausted but I survive.

Hope that helps

Other threads you can google are-

Topic: facing the emotional brink- beyondblue

Topic: depression and the timing of motivation- beyondblue

Finally, people post on this forum all the time...24/7 actually. If your experience enables you to contribute with replies it would be most welcome. There is no expectations and do so only when you feel you can.

Tony WK

[Saphy]

Hi Grace, I too am new to B.B you have given me the courage to post because our stories seem very simular . Have been on that long road of depression since 1989 .In the days when there wasn't a lot done to help people with depression . Thank god things have changed! Like you I have good days and bad days . Just recently a lot has been happening in life l I will elaborate more in time )which has left me reeling . Have spent a while at what felt like the bottom of a dark well unable to get out . After reading some of the post I felt better then I have for a while, There are people like me going through the same stuff. thank you for posting

[Grace888]

Hello Saphy

I am sorry to hear that things are difficult for you just now. Sounds like you have been having some tumultuous and disruptive times.

I agree, it is reassuring to read others' stories and find you are not alone in the types of things you are experiencing. Being in your own head too much can be lonely and mean you lose perspective - or at least that is my experience.

Change can be difficult.

Hope you feel better soon, Saphy.

Grace888

[Grace888]

Thank you Tony WK for your kind reply.

You make some very valid points and I enjoyed reading the links you shared.

I have regulated my life to accommodate my tendency to have episodes of depression and anxiety. I live quietly with my wonderful supportive husband. I avoid commuting. I have supportive friends who understand my limitations. I maintain some boundaries, but also give back where I can. I am very fortunate and conscious of it.

The one area I seem never to have allowed myself to ease back on is my career - I have pressed on despite the evidence

accumulated over the years that what I was doing did not agree with me. For the last few years I have been thinking of making a change, but better the devil you know, I thought.

I was made redundant earlier this year so finding a new job was important for my self esteem, however unsuitable. Cause for regret now.

While I was out of work I did some retraining at TAFE in a field that I thought might suit me better. So, a silver lining right there. I graduated last month.

I made some job applications over the weekend and already have an interview lined up for tomorrow.

I hope this new path might result in a happier future.

Feeling a bit nervous.

I am glad to hear that you have been able to moderate your life to your liking, White Knight. Living in the country sounds

lovely, so quiet. I will take up your sensible advice to see the GP to see if anything changed in last few months.

Hope you enjoy your week ahead and thank you again for taking the time to respond with your thoughts.

Grace888

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[Grace888]

Not sure whether should be writing this in new thread or this old thread or what, but I have just had to take myself out of the office for a 'late lunch break' because I could feel a panic attack coming on.

So have gone for a walk in the sun to calm myself down, and try to relax a little before I go back.

I have so much work to do and a new manager working alongside me - who keeps forgetting that I don't report to him - and loves to demean contributions of others in the office. At least I know it's not personal! But the atmosphere is getting to me. Plus I have a new staffer to train and I am so self-consious and fragile feeling today I feel so certain she must know that I am five secs from tears.

Haven't had a panic attack in a decade and feel like I am back to square one.

I know that I get these when I am doing something that I don't like. And I should read the signs.

At the moment I feel all a bit messed up. Will try another 15 mins of walking and vitamin D, and hope that does the trick.

Thanks for listening

Sarah

[Grace888]

I resigned today. It seemed the best thing to do as it had got to the stage that I was so stressed I couldn't get through a day without crying and couldn't sleep at night. I have complete burnout.

I don't have another job lined up and have never done anything quite like this before but I just couldn't cope with the confusion, bullying and mismanagement any more.

There is no doubt that a stronger person might have been able to bluff their way through or even thrived in that environment, so I cannot place 100% of the blame on the organisation. Although it is tempting.

I will be ok financially for a little while at least and will be able to keep seeing my psychologist, but I do feel like I could have managed things better so that I had something lined up before I pulled the pin.

This is the very last job I will take in this profession and I have finally learned my lesson.

It does not make me feel any better to know that this is self inflicted.

Thanks again for listening.

[Croix]

Dear Sarah~

Although I haven't spoken to you before I'd like to welcome you back , though it's a real pity it is under such circumstances. As for where to post -here is the place, where what has happened in the past is readily available.

Wanting to remain in the same field of employment is a very powerful urge. I've felt it too, as I was invalided out of the police and would have jumped straight back in if given the chance - just as well I wasn't.

I guess it was partly identity, partly wishful thinking, partly interest in the job itself and partly the fact I knew I was good at it. I'd imaging it might have been similar for you.

I very strongly suspect I'd have found it as difficult as you to return, though not being as wise I would not have severed the connection until too late - again.

Frankly I'm most impressed at your resigning. It shows a very realistic and aware mind-set and a deal of courage too, knowing you did not have another job to go to. While no doubt you will feel bad, and even a degree of failure at this move I would think it far better than doing what I did before and hang on until I was incapable of anything much at all - and then having to leave anyway.

I'm very glad you have sufficient resources to tide you over for a while - and to enable you to continue seeing your psych. Although you may feel bad, you did in fact have a financial backstop, again a wise move.

How are you off or support at the moment? The last time you mentioned a very supportive husband plus friends, I do hope things haven't changed.

If I understand correctly this job was not related to your course of study and that is a fresh field to be investigated.

Please feel at home and talk as often as you'd like

Croix

[Grace888]

Thank you Croix

I am grateful to you for taking the time to reply and for sharing your thoughts and experiences.

Today I feel a good deal more at peace with my decision. Either that or I am still in some shock. 😉

Yes, I will be looking at employment in my new area of interest. This makes me nervous, but also quite excited as well. My husband is a saint and fully supportive of this move.

Tomorrow I may be in years again, but for today things are ok.

Thank you again for your wise words.

[Croix]

Dear Sarah~

It's nice to hear from you and particularly nice that you are more settled in your decision. Pure gold your husband understands. I guess you both have wisdom. I doubt very much you are in shock:)

It would be so easy to jump on the fact there is not second job to go to at the moment and think the move a bad one as a result. In fact it is quite the opposite. Employment is such a large part of our lives it has to be at least tolerable, and preferably good for us - anything else and you end up like I was.

I'm pleased you find the new area of interest is an exciting opportunity for you, your TAFE course must have been thoughtfully selected - it's finish was certainly timely. Obviously there will be deal of worry until matters straighten out but I'm confident you -and your husband - will cope OK.

Croix