Heavy chest / Where to start? Real world problems or depression?

[Sandi_blue]

Hi world 

I am what some people call a high achiever and this is extremely difficult for me to accept. Im some one the community relies on heavily. It’s my job to help people solve social and financial problems. 

My entire family have severe mental health history, I’m 32 years old and made it out of  a crazy upbringing fueled by un managed mental health of my mother and my two siblings. I cut my entire family off many years ago and pretend none of that ever happened. 

My life is great, but I’m not sure I never knew what “being ok was” I don’t know how not to be ok. I’ve spent my life turning the heartbreak into motivation. 

I feel my mindset has been building over the years and in the past 3 years I’ve become more and more cynical. 

in the past 6 weeks, I’ve not been able to take control of being derailed like I usually can. I have cut all my friends off and feel a deep pain of heartbreak in my chest from the moment I wake up to the moment I go back home and get into bed to cope. I get through my home life by shutting the bedroom door to avoid the anger building when I can hear my kids play / I have minimal interactions with my partner as I am worried about blowing up at her and hurting her. I see old wise men change the subject when I say something bitter - like “they know” 

I genuinely can’t look any one in the eye and tell them how I feel. I think I need help, but I’m even too proud to say these things to the family doctor - I’m always the problem solver. 

For some one who hasn’t cried in 32 years. I’ve been finding myself holing back tears in the McDonald’s drive through ordering the daily coffee like it’s a new part of my day. 

I have a long list of problems I’m working through, for my clients & personally but is this depression or is this just a hart time. 

Will meds help or will they distract me from working on the real problems to get them off my desk. 

[ecomama]

Dearest Sandi, warm welcome to the forums! You've taken a brave and admirable step sharing! 

EVEN problem solvers who have ALWAYS been "the problem solver" get to a point in their lives where their cup runneth over. 

This is NOTHING to be ashamed about.
In fact seeking help, off loading all the worries on your mind to a MH professional (wherever the worries stem from and it's quite often from our childhoods, just a headsup) AND learning more about the beautiful soul that is YOU, WILL also help your children and any one else attached to you. 
MOST OF ALL YOU! You're so precious. 

You've reached a point of choices, like a fork in the road. 
Go on, straight ahead, as you've always tried to do? I can see a downward spiral. 

Take a turn and do things very differently with HELP? You have an incredible, EXCITING, beautiful and often hard journey ahead. 

This will take COURAGE but taking a courageous step also makes us feel terribly vulnerable. 
These feelings of vulnerability could be the reason you're holding back, withdrawing from your loved ones, withdrawing from life. No one wants this for you, least of all you. 

You don't have to speak with your GP any time if you don't want to. 

You can call the BB Helpline, anonymously if you choose, and have a chat. They're GREAT! They can offer a list of Counsellors or Psychologists. 

Meds you may or not need or want, IDK, that's not for any of us to say. 

Not sure if you have Netflix? 
If you do then Brene Brown has a life changing Show there "The Call to Courage". 

Welcome to the first day of deeper understandings of what makes YOU so amazing. 
You are! 
We all want you here for the long run, so come along, hold on! It's a wild ride this thing called life lol. 

Love EM

[therising]

Hi Sandi_blue

It sounds like you've developed a lot of skills over the years, partly based on you're upbringing. If you've developed yourself into a natural problem solver, I'm imaging one of the skills you have relates to emotional detachment (the ability to work through pure analysis without feeling getting in the way of logic). I also imagine you to be a visionary, with the ability to see the best result ahead of time.

It wasn't too long ago that I had a conversation with a woman who's a big advocate regarding the importance of self development. As I said to her, 'I think I've finally worked out what the depressing challenges are about. They're the challenges that push you to feel what's depressing while leading you to develop your abilities through what's depressing'. She smiled in acknowledgement before agreeing. So, while it may sound rather simplistic and a little flowery, each depressing challenge can be pushing a person to develop a new ability and a whole new level of self understanding. You pose a valid question, 'Will meds help or will they distract me from working on the real problems to get them off my desk?'. In other words, 'Could they get in the way of self development?'. Only you can answer that. For some people they help, for others they can get in the way.

'Heartbreak' or 'heartache' definitely has a feel to it. It's like no other feeling in this world. It's a physical and soulful feeling at the same time. While it can be tolerated in small amounts, in large overwhelming amounts it can lead us to both tears and incredible levels of despair. It's a deep churning kind of energy or feeling that points to matters of the heart, the kind that needs to be 'worked out' in more ways than one. Give yourself the freedom to cry it out, if that's what helps make some difference. Talking it out is another way. I've found figuring it out is what makes the biggest difference of all.

You could ask 'What is the challenge I face and what is the ability I'm being pushed to develop?'. Could it involve you loving yourself to life in new ways, based on the old ways perhaps no longer working? With a depressing level of heartbreak or heartache, love (I imagine) is being called in to question.