having a sibling with depression

[jane_1]

Hi,

I have a younger sister who has been struggling with depression for 2 years now. We have been taking her to a psychologist, but am unsure whether it is helping her. I wanted to know what are some signs or ways that it is helping her?

I find myself feeling very anxious. I hate seeing my parents so worried and am unsure what to do. Whenever she seems tired or sad or is crying, I feel sick. I don't know how to help her because I try to give her advice but she doesn't listen to me and thinks I'm bossing her around. Does anyone know how to get through to someone who is very stubborn and unwilling to receive advice?

I would be grateful for any advice people could give me.

[indigo22]

Hi Jane_1,

Welcome and thank you for reaching out. You obviously care a lot about your sister's well being and want to see her getting better which is totally understandable. The problem is that depression can take time to recover from and there is no quick fix unfortunately. I have been dealing with dysthymia and major depression since I was about 12 years old but at the time I wasn't getting support from family or counselling so I am still dealing with it in my 60s. The reason I am telling you this is not because this is the case with everyone, but because the more help you have in the early stages, the better the chance of recovery.

Your sister is under the care of a psychologist and I assume she is on medication, please correct me if I am wrong about that. So as her older sister I believe it would be more helpful to her if you could be her friend and some one she can confide in. You are not going to be able to fix this for her or your parents, so I think you need to try a different approach. When she is tired or sad or crying, just be there for her, comfort her, listen to her without judgement, let her know you are there for her in whatever way she needs you to be. She needs to not feel alone in what she is going through. The first instinct when someone is hurting is to try and fix it, but with depression that does not usually work in the way you would like.

On a day when you can see she is not too low, try suggesting that the two of you go for a short walk in nature, or sit by a lake and feed the ducks, or take a walk by the ocean, shout her to her favorite ice cream, I think you get the idea. This will remind her that there is more to be experienced than her sadness, just don't push too hard if you don't feel she is ready.

You and your parents also need to take care of yourselves so you can be there for her. It is like what they tell you on a flight, in case of an emergency, put your own mask on first so you can help others put their mask on. For this I would suggest making use of the help line at Beyond Blue or elsewhere, and posting on the forums or reading through some of the posts in the Depression section. If you have more of an understanding of how depression affects people, you will gather more tools to help her in an effective way.

I hope this has been some help to you, I am here if you want to continue this conversation.

Sending you a big hug,

indigo22

[jane_1]

Hi Indigo,

Thank you so much for this reply. I would really love if we could continue this conversation. I have applied your advice and felt it has helped my sister and i become closer and she is slowly opening up to me about whats going on in her life. Since the last time i posted, it has been a rollercoaster and this past week has been a bad one. She always wants to be alone in her room yet tells us she feels lonely. My family feel like no matter how much we support her she pushes us away. Do you have suggestions for this? She places lots of importance on hanging out with friends and when her friends don't do fun stuff she becomes very depressed. She sources her loneliness from not having strong friendships. She is moving schools which hopefully will be a good start but we are worried the same issues will happen again where she wont be able to find friends or friendship issues will occur.

Thank you again for responding to me.

P.S she isn't on any medication.

Jane

[indigo22]

Hi Jane,

I am glad to hear she is gradually confiding in you about her life, that is a really good start. Are you comfortable telling me how old she is? It may help me to make other suggestions based on her age group.

There is a need to be alone with depression, sometimes the emotions feel difficult to handle and any input from the outside world on top of those emotions can cause a feeling of overwhelm. When she wants to be alone, that's okay, just check on her once in a while, let her know she is loved and you are there if she wants to talk about anything.

I think you will find that when she says she is lonely, what she actually means is that she feels alone. It takes a special type of person to be a true friend to someone with depression and stick with them through the ups and downs. When we are young, few people fit into that category due to a lack of life experience, and an underdeveloped ability to empathise.

Can you or your parents recall anything particular that happened around the time that the depression began that could have been the trigger? Knowing the source can be very helpful.

Does she have any interests or hobbies? These can be good distractions. I used to sit in my room and play my guitar. I was never very good at it (it was a terrible guitar) but it was a good distraction and I would sing which helped with the emotions I was feeling.

See if you can get her to talk about something she may be interested in trying or doing.

Something that you might also look into (only if she likes horses) is horse therapy. Horses have an innate ability to connect with humans and they have been used to help facilitate healing for a long time.

I hope you are also looking after yourselves, it is really important that you don't ignore your own feelings and how this is affecting you. When things get hard, call one of the helplines to talk about your feelings and get some real time support. Make sure you and your parents make time to do some fun things as well. Keep yourselves mentally healthy so you are able to keep helping her through this difficult time.

Please let me know how things are going, I will be here whenever you need me.

Thank you again for reaching out,

indigo

[therising]

Hi Jane

I'm so glad you've met indigo22, such a beautiful, kind and compassionate person. I think it helps being able to relate to people who understand how depression feels on so many different levels and in many different ways. I'm glad you've found indigo's support to be so helpful and inspiring.

You sound like a deeply feeling person yourself. The way you feel your parents' stress and the way you feel your sister's upset leads me to wonder whether these are your feelings that you're feeling or theirs or maybe a bit of both perhaps. Not sure whether it's your cup of tea but it may be helpful to research 'What is an empath'. If you are one, there'll be helpful tips on managing how to feel.

Indigo touches on something so relatable when it comes to feeling alone. It's kind of like you can be surrounded by a collection of 20 family members and friends who all care for you really deeply but if none of them can feel what 'being lost with no sense of direction' feels like (as an emotion), for example, you will be experiencing that feeling or emotion on your own. It's extremely lonely and depressing. But the second someone gets a feel for it and reports what they feel to you, there's an instant connection and some relief because that other person can suddenly feel the sense of hopelessness, confusion, desperation and all the other feelings that come with feeling lost with no sense of direction. You're no longer feeling your feelings on your own. Getting a better feel for others comes with a warning: The more tapped in you become the more you'll be able to feel what they do and this can feel depressing. Having strategies for tapping out for periods of time is so important, in order to ground yourself and re-energise, for yourself as well as the person you're supporting (that oxygen mask on the plane scenario indigo mentions).

As a gal who's experienced depression myself over the last few decades, took me years to figure out at times I function better with a seer who acts as a guide. This is someone who can see what's led me to where I'm at (when I'm depressed), while also seeing some of the best ways or paths forward. Btw, those paths have to be relatable. When I'm deeply depressed I can't see a damn thing through my imagination. I rely on what someone else imagines or sees for me. It's them that leads the way until things start to become much clearer.

[Lisa-27_91]

When someone is depressed, the worst thing you can do is tell them to try to get better. Or push them into something they aren't ready for. Start slow with daily goals like having a shower, brushing your teeth, cleaning the kitchen then slowly work your way up.

[indigo22]

Hi again Jane,

I had another thought that I think would help a lot, however this will require a conversation with your parents.

If you and your parents are in agreement with this idea, then take your sister to a dog rescue centre such as RSPCA or similar, tell the people who are running the centre what your sister is dealing with and ask them to select some dogs they feel would be appropriate and let her spend some time with the dogs. Eventually there will be a connection between her and one of the dogs. By adopting a rescue dog, she will feel she is helping an animal in need and their bond will help her feel less alone. Ideally, the dog would need to be her constant companion, day and night, to become a surrogate friend that will be there for her through her ups and downs. This will also help alleviate some of the worry you and your parents are feeling as a dog will alert you if there is something wrong. It will also get her out of the house for walks, have some fun playing with the dog etc. all good distractions.

I would be interested to hear your feedback on this.

indigo

[jane_1]

Hi Indigo,

Thank you so much for your suggestions and for having me in your thoughts, I am really appreciative of it. I love the horse therapy idea however I don't think my sister is interested in it as I mentioned going horse riding and she wasn't very enthusiastic. The RSPCA is another amazing idea and as a matter of fact my sister loves dogs. I am just unsure how it would work as firstly we have dog but he is very old and not very friendly to other dogs. Also my sister struggles with responsibility and I worry she wouldn't take good enough care of another dog. I was actually going to post another question about how to help her take more responsibility in her life as she doesn't do chores around the house and rarely does homework which is most likely attributed to her not having enough energy and not liking her school. 

I still want to try this idea however so any suggestions on how to combat these obstacles would be so helpful. 

I have also taken on your advice about looking after myself and reached out for some counselling as I feel anxious most of the time.

Thank you for everything Indigo I will continue to keep you posted.

Jane 

[jane_1]

Thank you Lisa. How do you suggest I try and help her create small goals without it looking like I'm trying to tell her to make goals? Could I try have a conversation about it? I am just worried she will become defensive and say she doesn't need to make goals.

[jane_1]

Thank you so much for this reply. I am so thankful for you sharing your story and your experiences and hope you are doing ok. I feel like I have a much better understanding now of her feeling of loneliness. 

I have never heard of an empath, however after doing some research, I resonate with many of the signs. I am not sure what step to take from here. Should I research how to deal with my emotions as an empath or do I need a formal diagnosis? 

Also, when you mention a guide how should I make sure she has this? I am actually unsure who she talks about her emotions to. I don't want to force her into telling me if she isn't comfortable to but I also want to make sure she has at least 1 person she can confide in. 

Thank you again for your support.