Haven't felt like this before...

[Depresso_Espresso]

Hi,

Ignore the forum name I have a weird sense of humour. Ever since 2017, I have experienced depression and anxiety. The depression slowly went away, and it turned into anxiety, panic disorder as well as borderline personality disorder. I'm not your usual borderline, and I feel there could be a lot more done to help me but we all know some psychiatrists aren't amazing sometimes.

For the past week and a half, I have been experiencing constant depression. Last week the only reason I got out of bed was really to go to work. I work in fast food, but I enjoy it. My mind is occupied, I get to be my real happy self and create a good environment there. I like it. But when I'm home, it's just constant depression. I feel I have a line of rejection I'm still going through, particularly with friends and romantic interests. I just feel like nobody actually wants me with them.

I thought going into nature, something I love might be able to help me, I thought buying myself some nice books would help me, I thought watching sports I love would help me, I thought seeing friends would help me. But here I am, still really depressed, obsessing over the fact that I just want to end it all. 

Now, I know I'm not going to do that, I don't want that, but my brain is getting obsessed with it. I just feel so depressed. I'm 21, I should be able to enjoy life and do whatever I want but some days I just can't get out of bed. I feel my willpower muscle slipping away, and I feel like there's never enough time to talk about all of my trauma in a 1 hour session every week. I just don't know what I can do to fix this.

I see some of my friends who are able to stay away from people and really control who they talk to. But I'm an introvert in need of a connection with people. With rejection following me everywhere I just feel so, so sad. 

I'm used to my brain being manic, making stupid impulse decisions, my personality changing every hour... But I'm not used to this stuff. Although, one minute I'm feeling really up, and the next minute I'm back down in the dumps. I know I have the skills to be able to pull myself out of this it's just so hard when everything is so inconsistent. 

I want to be a psychologist or someone who runs DBT therapy, I'm so excited to start my studies, but before they start I just feel like I have no purpose. I feel things can only get worse, even though I am at my rock bottom.

Thanks for reading, I guess I'm just looking for people who understand, or just acknowledge it.

🙂

[Sialani]

Hello,

I’m so sorry to hear you are feeling this way right now. Especially after feeling so good for so long. I personally understand as I have been through similar feelings and emotions and getting to the point of feeling lost and alone and worthless and emotionally overwhelmed to the point where you wonder why? Or if anyone understands you or wants you. It’s such a deep pain and emotional feeling hard to explain unless you have struggled it yourself. I understand the situation and feeling of never feeling like 1 hour is enough time to speak about your feelings/problems. I understand the feeling of having to explain or feel misunderstood by professionals or people in general, it can cause such a great depressing feeling. The positive thing is that you have reached out for support and open to expressing how you really feel. You can go to work and be yourself and get through the day while there. You are very much aware of your emotions and feelings which is also something to be proud of yourself as it’s hard to sit with all different emotions and feelings and still wake up everyday. You should be proud of the small things you have done. With study you should use your personal knowledge to help motivate other people know they are not alone, that they are not misunderstood and that you know what they’re going through, because you have been able to come out the other side many times before. Yes life gets hard and we find ourselves in a space where we don’t even know if we can be here anymore, but please know you are brave, you are worthy and your feelings and thoughts are valid and you can be and do anything you truly deserve and want if you tell yourself everyday why your still here. Why you still go to work , why you still wake up, why you reach out for help, all these things are because your worthy of life and you deserve to be happy. You deserve to feel good about your daily life. As hard as it may seem maybe meeting new people or going to a new activity could be of assistance for you. I’m here to listen and talk if you need. 

[Depresso_Espresso]

Thank you so much for this response. It means a lot 🙂

I totally hear you about going out more and making more friends and stuff... The thing is with BPD my relationships can feel so unsteady. I feel like 75% of them are on edge all the time, and I change my mind about what I want to do (whether it's be off social media and isolate myself or make new friends) probably around 6 times a day, and that's when I start to lose my sense of self. I can't make a decision on that stuff and stick to it. About a year ago I used to try and hook up with other people about my feelings, but it ended up in me being assaulted a lot, as I didn't really realise I'm a bit asexual. 

There are a few other factors that I feel have contributed to this... I've been sick twice in the past month and a half, and I have a bad back and sitting down hurts, so I am unable to do some things I enjoy, like gaming or working on personal projects, so I do them in bed, I get stuck in bed and become depressed. One little intrusive though for myself and all hell breaks loose in my brain. 

I appreciate your kindness to help a complete stranger, it means a lot and I currently feel a bit better just being able to express myself. I feel like a lot of people with depression just need to take things day by day, but I need to take things hour by hour, with my changing mind of not knowing who I am due to my BPD. It's such a strong change as well, I don't see any logic at all when I'm feeling down. That could come down to willpower and mindfulness, which I do meditate every morning, and every night I make a gratitude list and a list of ways I displayed willpower during my day (for example I feed myself, I get out of bed, I journal every 2 hours), but when I'm in one of those down moods with no sense of self, I see absolutely no logic, and that makes me really depressed as well.

Before I got into this funk, I was trying to process being okay with the fact that I was going to be constantly changing my mind about stuff. Perhaps I need to flex that muscle a little bit more. I'm not really sure about the path for myself. For the past few years I've never seen myself growing old because I felt like I was going to die young or something, and I guess I don't really see a path to happiness. 

Anyway back to your point of meeting new people... I'm unsure. Sometimes I want to, sometimes I know it'll make me feel a little manic...

Thank you again for your response ❤️

[Sialani]

You are most welcome. It’s the least I could do as I completely and openly understand the feelings and emotions you have and come out strong on the other side and not so strong. It’s so important to remember that you are who you are and that’s okay. You are allowed to feel angry, sad, frustrated, happy one moment and sad the next, these are all healthy and strong emotions to grow from as they are what makes us stronger each day. To think in your mind that you don’t even want to be here anymore and why is life so hard and unfair and then the next moment you are doing all you can and being all you are is something you should be so proud of yourself for getting up and going again each day. I’m so sorry to hear about what happened to you in unwanted situations of assault you did not deserve to be treated that way and I’m so sorry you had to go through that.

I understand how your mind having rapid feelings and emotions constantly would make you become more frustrated than normal especially when you have back pain and unable to do the things you would normally do, I whole heartedly hear you and know that feeling of pure frustration and anger and how it can change your whole mood and mindset and daily life. 
 

You should be so proud that you meditate that is so important to always be mindful and love yourself first as I always thought that it was stupid and it wouldn’t help me but honestly doing small things change a small bit and that’s better then staying in the same place no matter how small. Journaling and doing all these great things you have been doing is just a reminder you are living and you are more then your thoughts and you are doing what your heart desires just your mind is clouded and that’s okay too.  

If you would like we could come up with some ideas on goals to look forward too? You deserve to want to see and live a happy life and if it means I can be of some support to you in this time I’m here and understand your feelings. You are not alone.

[Depresso_Espresso]

Thank you for that I greatly appreciate it 🙂 possibly not on this forum as it is quite public, but I may set some goals for the next month or so and possibly some longer term ones too 🙂