Hate

[Lilly18]

I hate my dogs
I hate being a parent
I hate being a widow
I hate mess
I hate my brain
I hate my feelings
I hate my false glimmer of hope
I hate being me

[Lilly18]

Thankyou for your reply, that's really made me think.
Indeed your right to some extent in your first paragraph there.

Everything, I know it's a generalisation but I do mean everything in my life is too much for me to cope with and I don't even have a job! Which I will have to get one soon.

I do wonder what is wrong with me
I can't handle things as easily as others because the facts of life, mine is difficult and the people I know are not facing anything to what I am. Sure they have their own problems but they arnt dealing with 3 young kids who lost their dad and a messed up mother
Love the alternate words for happiness I still don't feel any of those unless I am taking some adhd med that's not mine.
Once I have a good vent which involves smashing valuable things, no I am not able to go back to tolerating life.

Who am I? Who knows

[therising]

Hi Lilly

Sounds like you are someone who is trying her best to raise herself and her kids through great grief and financial stress. I imagine you're also someone who needs a co-manger, being overwhelmed doing all this on her own. You mention the adhd meds. Wondering if you're also someone who struggles with intense energy. Whether intense energy is positive or not so positive, learning how to channel it and vent it is definitely a must. Managing it with meds could be one of the ways to go too, even in the short term.

Wondering if you've considered exploring what kind of network you may need to form. Could be a network which includes a thoughtful GP to suggest meds or therapy, a grief counselor or even a group of inspiring widowed mums who share advice on getting through the overwhelming challenges and your network could also include young friendship groups to help your kids feel uplifted. A little out there but perhaps even a group of folk who are specifically into channeling energy in natural constructive ways. I imagine such networking will present as a significant challenge in the initial set up. You're a powerful woman Lily, in a state of incredible grief and overwhelming disruption to what was a much easier life at one point.

Wondering if part of your new identity could include networker. This may prove to become a productive channel in more ways than one.

Take care Lilly. I remain wishing you and your kids only the best when it comes to your deeply challenging way forward.

[Emmen]

Hi Lilly,

I want to echo therising's replies to you and add that people are put in different circumstances. You see that others are not in the same situation as you, and that's true. You're dealing with this and asking for help. That's strength. I wouldn't say you're a 'messed up mother' to your young kids. To them you're not messed up, you're simply their mother. So don't label yourself this way, you're simply mother in a messed up situation.

Everything you feel right now is perfectly valid and an understandable response to a difficult situation. Unfortunately the situation also calls for you to use all your strength and pull through, for yourself and for your kids. therising's suggestion of finding a support group could be your first step. You may wish to check out First Light Widowed Association (https://www.firstlight.org.au/), it's a charity that provides support for widows.

Take care,
M

[Lilly18]

Thankyou for replying.

I do sort of see myself as having intense energy, % 99.9 negative energy.

I just seem to be going around in tortuous circles. I am on my 4th or 5th antidepressant with basically no benefit from any of them but have stuck with my current one 2yrs. Have followed my GPs suggestion of a higher dose, didn't help so went back down. Gp said to try the higher dose again, didn't help, so I have just gone back down. I have a new one to try but it's garenteed to stack on weight and cause drowsiness so I won't take it.

I feel so stuck

My anger outbursts really worry me, I don't know how to change/stop them. I don't have the whatever it is that most people seem to have that stops them from acting on their anger.

[Guest_9315]

Hi Lilly18,

I possibly can't offer any more advice than the others already have, but I just wanted to stop by and say 'hi' and let you know that I am sure you will find wonderful and genuine support here on BB. I've been a member for over a year but have just started reaching out on the forums, and that in itself feels like a step in the right direction for me.

I too struggle incredibly with bursts of anger. My children are tweens/teens now and are well and truly over my moodiness. My psychologist today suggested I get back into meditation. Would this be something for you?

To take a few minutes each day (perhaps first thing in the morning/as you go to sleep at night) and listen to a guided meditation could make a positive difference. I was recommended to try Palouse Mindfulness, but there's plenty out there if you can find someone you resonate with and are comfortable listening to their voice!

Louise Hay is all about positive affirmations - which can sometimes seem so far from your reality in the moment, that it just irritates the heck out of you - but I know from experience it does eventually help!!

Sending much kindness and support to you and your family,

x Mama.of.3

[Lilly18]

Thanks,
I do listen to hypnosis/guided meditation every night in bed. It feels nice at the time but I it doesn't make an impact on my day to day life.

I'm really struggling and need help, I have destroyed so many things! I just went around the whole house last week patching dints and holes on the walls, now I have to do it again.
Need to do a tip run for the broken things. This isn't ok for me and I don't know how to stop.
Why isn't there a happy pill I can take. If I'm gonna be here I want to feel a bit of positivity.

[Guest_9315]

Yes, I know what you mean. I went away for a 10-day silent meditation retreat when my children were younger, it was amazing while I was there, and driving home I felt amazing. Got home, different story! The simplest thing made me lose my sh*t, so I turned to smoking weed to calm myself. It seemed to calm me down (for some years), but not really...

The fact that you've admitted you are struggling and need help is definitely a positive step. You've put your desire out there to get help, and I truly hope you do receive!

I'm feeling like crap as well. You are not alone. It will pass. Keep reaching out and jumping on BB for support.

x