I hate myself

[sunnysky]

Hello, this will be my first time doing something like this so please bare with me.

I don't really know how to label this feeling, whether I'm actually depressed or if I'm just being over dramatic.

I've just felt so pressured. My parents don't love each other. They were going to divorce when I was just born but my mum has a factory work job and begged my dad to stay for me and my brother. So he did, but my dad hates my mum and brother and only loves me. I know it's selfish of me to say that his love is burdening, but every time I talk with him it's like I'm walking around glass. He gets angry easily, he's always shouting, and I have to calm him down. And whenever I say something that he doesn't like, he'll start threatening me. "I'm only here because of you, if you don't like me then I'll just leave." It's suffocating, having to fake how I act around him, even the simplest of things upset him to the point of ignoring me for weeks, each day of silence scaring me that he will leave.

And my parents have always pressured me about school. But my grades have gotten worse, and they are disappointed in me. I understand why, since I'm such a disappointment. They would shout at me when I was a kid for bad grades. I never got to hang out with my friends or play. What was the point of all the tears I shed if I was going to end up with terrible grades anyways?

One day a few months ago I had what I think was a panic attack at home in front of my parents. They were shouting at me again, and I couldn't stand the shouting it made me feel so afraid and weak and suddenly I was screaming and crying. It felt like I was dying. And I thought that my parents would care, they'd feel sorry for me, they'd comfort me. But they only screamed louder. They asked me why I was screaming and I said I was stressed from school but they called me a liar. "Everyone is stressed you're not special". "you're just weak"

And I guess I was. When I think about everything I'm the reason for my own sadness. If I were smarter, if i could deal with stress my parents wouldn't be angry. If I was a better daughter, a better person I wouldn't feel this useless. Whenever I feel sad which seems to be all the time lately, I can't help but blame myself. I hate myself so much. For everything I've done. For being useless and weak for being pathetic, for crying, for being stupid, for being too dramatic. I wish this feeling would go away but it's been here for weeks and i feel like I'll never get out

[Sophie_M]

Hi sunnysky,

Welcome to our friendly online community. Our valued community is a safe space for you to share your thoughts, seek and give support. And we thank you so much for doing so today. It is very brave of you. We're so sorry to hear that you're struggling at home. It sounds like a really tough situation with your parents. We don't think you are weak at all, in fact it sounds like you are dealing with so much and we think you are so strong. Please know that you don't have to go through this alone, there is help available to you.

We would strongly recommend that you get in touch with Kids Helpline - https://kidshelpline.com.au/ 
It sounds like you're in a really difficult situation and it might help to talk it out whenever you're feeling overwhelmed. Kids Helpline counsellors can be contacted 24/7 via telephone and also via webchat if you go through the website provided.

It might also be worth having a chat with your school counsellor or nurse if you are back at school. 

Thanks again for reaching out as we know that it can be really tough to do this for the first time. We hope that you find some comfort here in the words of wisdom and kindness that our community can offer.

[therising]

Hi sunnysky

First, just want to say I wish I was there to give you the biggest hug and to sit beside you have have you understand how depressing and anxiety inducing your parents' behaviour is. I know that sounds pretty harsh, towards your parents, but it is my deepest desire for you to know you're an amazing person in a deeply challenging situation.

Trying to manage the emotions of other people who refuse to manage their own emotions constructively is a huge responsibility. It can be depressing and anxiety inducing, to the point where you just want to scream 'I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! STOP!!!!!' You have every right to demand people stop their degrading, abusive, oppressive and selfish behaviour and actually step up to help guide and support you. Something you mention, 'When I think about everything I'm the reason for my own sadness. If I were smarter, if i could deal with stress my parents wouldn't be angry. If I was a better daughter, a better person I wouldn't feel this useless.' If I may be so bold as to tweak this a bit: 'When I think about everything, they (my parents) are the reason for my sadness. If they were smarter, if they could deal with stress they wouldn't be angry. If they were better parents, better people, I wouldn't feel this useless.'

sunnysky, I'm Mum to a 14yo boy and 17yo girl. While my son has the patience of a saint, my daughter actually refuses to tolerate much of her father's behaviour. Although she acknowledges her father is basically loving, she has grown to have little respect for him, to be honest. Her reasons are understandable. He rarely listens to her, he insists she meets his conditions which are not always reasonable. He can be thoughtless at times, when she requires him to have greater thought. Instead of encouraging her to automatically have respect for him, I have spoken to him about having greater respect for her. She deserves this.

Parents can be irresponsible regarding their children's emotions and needs. Instead of being careful, they can be careless. Although their children may feel at fault, the faults belong to the parent/s. This is something you need to keep in mind. What you face is not your fault, you face your parents' faults/flaws and you feel them so deeply. If you were able to relate to this and stop blaming yourself, how would you now come to handle the faults of your parents? With your dad being easily triggered, would you expect him to work on patience and reason, qualities you obviously have.

🙂

[Rebecca_B]

Hi sunnysky, firstly a very warm welcome to forum.

The first thing I was to express to you is that the way you are feeling right now, is through no fault of your own. I understand how important our parent's are in forming our own views of ourselves, and when we are young, our parent's thoughts of us mean a lot, they are so important to us. BUT, this does not mean that they are right, helpful, or beneficial.

I'm almost 30 now, so I left home a long time ago, but I also really hated shouting or yelling as a child, and those experiences have stayed with me. If I look back on my life, I wish I could tell my younger self that is going to be ok, to put a little bubble around myself to protect me from those words, to make decisions for my well-being and no one else's. It might be also useful to you, if you imagine its now 10 years into the future and you're not living at home anymore, you've got your own career, friends, and life, what would you say to your current self right now? What advice would you want to give your younger self right now?

I know what it's like to feel trapped in a situation, you're young and you don't feel like you can escape. But you are certainly not alone in this, please reach out to helpline to speak to someone. Do you have some close friends who you can talk to about this too, people who know you well and you feel comfortable talking to them?

I also wanted to say about the grades you have, I did not do well in school myself, or in my first few years of university, grades are only a very small aspect of success, believe me. The experiences you're going through right now are going to make you a compassionate, strong, and determined young woman, and I know this because you decided to come on here and ask for some support.

There are many people on this forum who understand what you are going through, please say as much or as little as you like, we are all here to support you.

Take care of yourself.

[sunnysky]

Hello Sophie, thank you for your kind words and resources, I'll be sure to view them :). And I have talked to my school counsellor before but he wasn't much help... He just told me things will get better soon and to try and think more positively. But thank you for taking the time to respond to me.

[sunnysky]

Hi therising, thank you for taking the time to reply to me.

I have never real thought that it was my parent's fault for how I feel. Whenever I feel these sad moments I've looked for someone to blame, a reason for why I feel so empty and I've always come to the conclusion that it is me. That my actions and way of thinking brought me to this sadness.

I have tried talking to my parents before about my stress or sadness but it always ends up in them shouting at me or ignoring me. So it always made me feel like being sad was wrong, and that I need to fix myself for everyone else. But I guess I could try starting a new mindset that it isn't really all my fault.

Your words have been really helpful in calming me and helping me see things in a different light. Thank you, and I hope you have a great day. And I hope your daughter can gain her Dad's respect. She seems like a strong person :).

[sunnysky]

Hi Rebecca, thank you for taking the time to reply to me.

I'm sorry you had to go through all the shouting as a kid too and I hope that any scars you hold of those experiences can heal. I have talked to a school counsellor before but they weren't much help, and I have tried opening up to my friends but it can be a bit scary at times... Of the people I've told they usually get bored or depressed from hearing me speak about how I feel so I try to avoid talking about it so I don't burden them.

Grades have just always felt important to me because it was only when I got good grades that my parents would be proud of me. But it came to the point where even when I was getting straight As it was just an expectation and now I'm receiving A-s and B+s and they become extremely disappointed in me. Sometimes I understand that grades don't mean everything, but it's more of how how others think of me and how I think of myself that I'm fearful of. Even with just getting a B+ my class and friends are shocked because I am usually always the top of my class. I just don't like disappointing people.

But your words of thinking about advice I'd give to myself has been helpful. I think I just have to change my mindset in order to start feeling better.

Thank you so much for the advice, and I hope you have a great day 🙂