Hate

Lilly18 · ‎13-06-2020

I hate my dogs
I hate being a parent
I hate being a widow
I hate mess
I hate my brain
I hate my feelings
I hate my false glimmer of hope
I hate being me

Sophie_M · ‎13-06-2020

Hey Lilly, thanks for reaching out to the forums today. We're so sorry to hear how awful you're feeling today. It sounds like you're very overwhelmed. Please know we are here to talk through anything that's weighing on your mind.

Can we ask, do you have any mental health support? We understand it can be really tough to cope sometimes, especially if you don't have a lot of support from family or friends. If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport
They will give you support and point you in the right direction for help in your area.

In addition to this, there are always counsellors available via phone for your most difficult moments. Some of these 24/7 services include Lifeline on 13 11 14 https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat (online chat available 7pm-12am) and Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467.

Many of our members have also been through a lot in their lives and will be able to talk through these feelings with you. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help support you.

Tay100 · ‎13-06-2020

Hi Lilly18,

Thanks for posting, we know it can be hard to do when you are in a tough headspace. It does sound like you are feeling particularly low and frustrated right now- you mention being a widow and parent. If I may, this thread on family/relationship issues may provide you with a sense of community and maybe some insight into whatever you are experiencing (https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues). You are always free to chat in this thread also; we are a caring, non-judgemental space.

Sending kindness,

Tay100

Lilly18 · ‎13-06-2020

Sophie I was seeing a psychologist last year I stopped going as I felt like a waste of space & I would forget everything and anything about the session. I have been waiting for a couple months for an appointment again.

Iam usually pretty numb, get through each day but today I woke up full of rage and hate for everything & I just don't know why I am here dealing with this like what is the point if I am so miserable?

Sophie_M · ‎13-06-2020

Hey Lilly, thanks for getting back to us.
We're so sorry to hear that your appointment with your psychologist left you feeling so awful, this must've been really upsetting. We also understand how disheartening it can be to have to wait so long for another appointment. It sounds like you're going through a lot at the moment and we're so sorry to hear this. Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you.

We hope that a few of our members will pop by with some words of support for you.

Leisa68 · ‎13-06-2020

Hi Lilly,

I am sorry you feel this way today. I definitely have been there in a similar place and feeling so, so angry. I took a couple of psychologists before I found the right one for me. You definitely do not have to remember what occurs, or what has been said at your appointment with the psychologist. I found it hard to remember anything when I had been unwell. It was all a big blur. I kept turning up and things got lighter. As you cannot get an appointment now, why not try the support service here at Beyond Blue? I rang and it really helped me at that time.

I am still here, and things are better. It's easier for me to say, but I got through it. I really, really hope that things get better for you too. You can be angry, but it is important fo you to get help even though you are angry.

Sending you strength and kindness,

Leisa68

Lilly18 · ‎13-06-2020

❤
I hate this. I can't even describe the feeling it's a blackness through my whole body under my skin. I know it will last a few days and it will be gone

Leisa68 · ‎13-06-2020

Hi Lilly,

I know what you mean, mine was like a sharp rolling ball that kept on persisting, scraping my insides.

Leisa68 · ‎13-06-2020

Hi Lily,

I know that feeling, mine was a sharp persisting ball that kept turning and felt like it was scraping my insides. Depression can feel so physical. But it's not with me anymore. But I had to get help. I have a child also, but also I had to get help for myself.

I really really hope you can find the help you need. My pain has stopped mostly. Yours can too, I am sure of it.

Leisa68

therising · ‎13-06-2020

HI Lilly

Things definitely sound intolerable for you and I feel for you so very much. When I looked at your list, it led me to wonder whether it's not these things you hate but the feeling of intolerance towards them and the unbearable challenge that you hate. Wondering whether you become numb to them because it helps you tolerate them and the challenges they bring on occasion. Also wondering if you have help in regard to managing these aspects of your life.

From personal experience, I can become super sensitive at times to what feels intolerable. I tend to question myself a lot when this happens. You know those questions that can come about:

What's wrong with me?
Why can't I handle things more easily, the way others do?
Why can't I just be happy?
Why do I go through these stages of incredible hate?

Not sure if this will resonate with you but I found some of the answers to those questions to be

I haven't asked for help in managing or I haven't found the solution with which to best manage things toward change
Others may have strategies in place which help them manage. Or, maybe, others aren't as sensitive as me, when it comes to challenge. For example, I can feel challenged to question myself (my behaviour and thoughts) in order to better myself. Others may never choose to explore self-questioning. They may choose to remain the same for the rest of their life, without evolving in seriously tough ways (aka they are complacent)
It's rare you'll ever hear me use the word 'happy' anymore. My vocab tends to be energy based these day. I'm charged, I'm energised, I'm pumped, I'm excited, I'm powered up and so on. The opposite: I'm exhausted, I'm low in energy, I'm feeling deflated, I'm feeling numb, I'm feeling down and so on. Being a mind/body/spirit sort of gal, I find this language ties in with how I'm feeling over all. This can be handy at times, for if I'm not getting the right sort of energy physically or if demands are draining me, I can expect the lack of energy in motion will impact my mental state. A lack of inspiration and increased mental demands can can also create physical issues (chemistry)
Hate can sometimes mean we've reached the absolute peak of our tolerance. Can feel like a pressure cooker about to blow. Do you ever feel like once you have a good vent you can go back to tolerating what you're sensitive to?

If you discovered your natural self, would you hate this self? The most liberating journey begins with the question 'Who am I?'

🙂