hate this time of year

fifi · ‎24-12-2014

its seems every one is happy yet I sit hear all alone I hate this time of year soooo much .It is soo very hard when you don't fit in no matter where you go so why is this so much worse this year because all of my family are together and you guessed it I am not included there has been tension over the last few years between my sister and I over lets face it rubbish any way of course I have a panic attack and loose it try to leave and then have my mother start her manipulative rubbish and long story short starts an argument between my sister and I any way she rips me telling me that I am basically a terrible person a drama queen and god only knows what else sorry guys I know this is sounding so hate filled and probably really petty but honestly if I don't let it out I really don't know what I will do I honestly just feel unwanted several references were made about my depression and how because of it I am weak and her words pull my head in cause the whole world doesn't revolve around me . that is where I should have let it stop but no idiot Fiona tries to make it better tries to make her see reason and then she starts telling me that the fact I cant have kids is my fault and not meant to be so I should just suck it up and get over it wow you would think after that I would retreat but no I continued to try to get her to hear me to validate that what I was feeling was valid but she just continued to attack me . all I want all I have ever wanted is to be embraced for the person I am I want to be wanted loved included just for once I would love for someone to see me I am again really sorry guys but honestly I just feel so down and needed to reach out to some one .

geoff · ‎25-12-2014

dear Fiona, this is such a very sad comment, and I don't like sad ones, because I just want to jump through the computer and give you a big hug.

I am just so sorry that your family takes their enjoyment and your depression out on you, because that's certainly their best way to alienate you, as the old saying says 'kick them while their down', and to mention about whether or not you can have children is really a personal matter and should never be aired in public.

We aren't strong enough when we have depression to be able to defend ourselves, when we are verbally assaulted and literally abused, and that's a real shame, because these people take delight in grounding even harder.

I'm the same as you I particularly don't enjoy Xmas myself, but when I see my 2 grand daughters that excites me, but I think it's being there with them, which won't happen until tomorrow, so today I am by myself, so your not alone.

Unfortunately I can't give you a hug but please know that it's there for you. L Geoff. xx

fifi · ‎02-02-2015

thanks geoff x

Doolhof · ‎02-02-2015

Hi Fiona,

I was just checking out the new posts and up popped yours. If you don't mind me asking, how are you getting on? Your story from Christmas time was really sad.

I can relate to you regarding the not having children. I have managed to become pregnant but have not been able to carry my babies past 20 weeks gestation.

I know how cruel people can be with their comments regarding not being able to have children. Those with kids just don't seem to get how deep and hurtful their comments can be. Then I too think that maybe people just don't always know what to say!

How are you getting on with your depression? I had a shocking time before Christmas and ended up in hospital for a week. The outcome of that is I now have a new medication am seeing a counsellor and am feeling like I am getting on top of everything again for the first time in ages.

Are you seeing a Dr. about your depression or are you trying to treat it yourself? I hope you don't mind me butting in like this, you just sounded like you needed someone to care!

Hopefully you will get back to me and also Geoff so we know how you are going.

Cheers for now, from Mrs. Dools

fifi · ‎02-02-2015

Hi Mrs dools ,

Thank you for your kind warm reply 🙂

as for my depression i am medicated and my medication seems to be affective. have struggled rather badly since September when i found out that i would need ivf to complete my family unfortunately the issue is with me and not my hubby which makes it so much harder to swallow . as for how i am going now well i am just trying to take each day as it comes and deal with it that way . not always easy beacuse i am sure as you both know medicated or not if your having a bad day / week its just that and sometimes it is easier to let it pass . we have booked in for our first ivf cycle now and although i feel it is a little early to be doing it after my diagnosis but the drs have said my age is a problem so i need to do it now before i miss out all together .

Doolhof · ‎04-02-2015

Hi Fiona,

I have not had to go down the road of IVF but I have had 5 pregnancies and no live children, so I understand a little of what you must be going through right now, wanting a child and not knowing what the future will hold.

I do so hope that it all goes well for you and your husband can be supportive during the process you will have to go through.

Presumably the IVF clinic has support systems in place for their clients? If not then speak to your GP and find out what support and help is out there for you.

It may be important for you to try to keep doing things and activities that you like and enjoy, so the pressure of everyday life does not build up too much for you.

Do you have some close friends you can share this journey with? I have been very blessed and have three dear friends I can share my sadness and grief with over the loss of our babies. It helps me to share the hurt with people who care.

I'm pleased to read your medication is working for you, that is half the battle sometimes!

I will be thinking of you and of the journey ahead and do so hope that all goes well.

Cheers for now, best of luck to you, from Mrs. Dools

pipsy · ‎04-02-2015

Hi Fiona. My name is Pipsy, I've been involved with BB since just before Christmas. The amount of support I've had as made me feel I would like to give back a little. I am so sorry about your problem with not having children, that would be very difficult to live with and the lack of family support doesn't help. I have no children, but I'm now 64 so it doesn't hurt so much. I went through Hell when I discovered I couldn't have kids and thoughtless remarks made it 10 times worse. I found depression made me very angry and it was turning away the few friends I did have. I was also having difficulties with nasty in-laws. Through my G.P and Geoff, I went to a councilor who has helped me channel my anger into complete disregard for my in-laws. They are still alive, but because I have had to stop seeing them because of how worthless they made me feel, I have become a better person. It may be that you have to try to 'back away' from your mother/sister for a while till you are strong enough to ignore them. In my case, my husband did nothing to fend off their attacks on me because he didn't (and still doesn't) understand how they hurt me. We are still together, but I am stronger and have accepted his weakness. If your husband is supportive emotionally, this will help you through your 'dark' times. Hopefully your medication will help too. You are not a terrible person, don't ever think that. You can validate yourself, by telling yourself, what they think doesn't matter, it doesn't, believe me. What you think and believe about yourself is validation more than they could ever give. They are toxic and you are not strong enough yet to ignore them. Hope I've been of some help. Love P.

Neil_1 · ‎04-02-2015

Dear Fi

Hey my friend, long time no hear from – well from me anyway; and that’s perhaps a good thing; means possibly (a) you’ve been going “ok” and not had to post, until the very harrowing event for you on Christmas day, or (b) I’ve been ultra slack and haven’t come across your posts. Unfortunately it is (b) – so buzz me out as being guilty as charged.

With this first ivf cycle, forgive me, that I know pretty much nothing about this – this kind of thing won’t be too taxing on you, will it? Mentally or physically? I’m hoping that hubby will be there with you ? Sorry if I’ve asked silly questions and also, you’re under no obligation at all to answer, so just move on to my next one if you’d feel more comfortable in leaving this alone – totally understand.

I simply don’t get people. You’ve raised it and Mrs Dools raised it as well; where “other people” will have a go at those folk who try as hard as they can to get pregnant and to have a child, but for whatever reason are just not able to have them. I have two children and they mean the absolute world to me and I couldn’t think for one micro second why I’d ever have a go at someone for not being able to fall pregnant. It defies explanation. To me, these people need to be avoided at all costs. And Fi, even if it is family. They might be linked to you by blood, but that’s it – I wouldn’t consider them family. They are of no support to you at all – all they’re doing is making things so much worse for you. Actually sorry that I had to bring this up, but I just wanted to let you know where I stand on this issue and that you’ve got my support as well as so many other people on this site as well.

I hope for the next few weeks, etc that they go along as quietly and calmly for you as you would want them too – with the stress to a minimum, etc.

As always, if you need to vent or unload, you know there’s always wonderful folk here to listen and support, and you never know, sometimes I might get my slack backside in gear and answer you much quicker!

Cheers

Neil

pipsy · ‎07-02-2015

Hi, Fi, Pip here. Please don't be offended by my writing, but I am quite concerned about what's been happening since you wrote. When do you start your IVF cycle? I understand if you don't wish to talk about it, but I wish you all the best. I have no idea what it entails, I never had it, IVF wasn't available when I wanted to start a family. All I was told was I couldn't have children, no help available. I admire your courage.

Cheers, Pip.

fifi · ‎12-03-2015

Hi Neil 🙂 unfortunately that smile is all I can muster in this post I am doing well enough considering the events of the last few months starting with xmas and included being made redundant (yay I am now a dole bludger ) starting the ivf procedure and loosing my dog on my birthday (today 11.3.15) . my head feels like it is going to explode and im not kidding I feel so weak 😞 . back track to your questions about the treatment it is horribly taxing on my body and mind but I have to keep trying . things are just going from worse to worst with no end in sight. I am booked for surgery on Monday so I am desperately trying to keep my S#it together but today was just to much . just feeling really dead inside right now . on the upside the pound has my dog and I can see her tommrow and hopefully bring her home with me . I appoligise for not having a happier post but we all know when times are tough they are really tough I hope you are well