Guilty about getting better

[Scott76]

I've been medicated for depression for about twenty years. Last year I lost my dad, my mother in law and a great friend to cancer. As a result of this I descended into a severe depressive episode that's been going on for over a year. I've hardly worked, been on a range of new medications and was even in hospital for a few days. More recently I have started seeing a psychiatrist. He fiddled with my meds. Since the last alteration I feel good. No tears, and the feeling of sadness and being on the edge is pretty much gone. But it's been replaced by guilt. I feel so bad that my wife is out working supporting the family while I'm at home. The dr says my recovery will be a long term thing and even once my depression is controlled it will be a long time before I have my confidence back (I'm a teacher). I've got myself into a routine which my therapist suggested but I just feel so bad that I'm not contributing. It almost makes me miss the lows of my depression.

[DarcysHuman]

Hi Scott,

I'm sorry that you've been through so much recently, it sounds like you've done a good job getting through it though.
I know it's super annoying when people tell you not to feel a certain way and emotions aren't easily controlled but I don't think you've done anything you should feel guilty about. It sounds like you are doing really well at the moment and working hard to reach a good level of functioning, it sounds like something you should be proud of rather than feel guilty about.
Also I'm sure your wife really cares about you and doesn't mind pulling a little extra weight while you're feeling this way, it's something loved ones do when someone is sick/recovering.

Hopefully this will give you a different perspective to think about. I'm very sorry if I overstepped.
Good luck with everything.

-DH

[JessF]

Hello Scott76, welcome. The deaths of three close people in such a short space of time would deplete most people's reserves, let alone someone who is already living with depression. Like DH says, it sounds like you are doing well to pull yourself back out of the hole in what has been an incredibly tough year. I'm intrugued though when you say you 'almost miss the lows of your depression', can you say a little more about what you mean by that?

[Scott76]

I guess what I mean when I say that is at least when I feel depressed and sad and struggling to function I deserve the support of those around me. With the improvements of the last few days I don't feel worthy or deserving. If that makes sense.

[JessF]

I had a feeling you might say that but I didn't want to assume! So, the thoughts you're having are, in order to be worthy and deserving of support, your depression has to be crippling?

One of the things I struggle with most about depression is that the wounds are on the inside, it's hard for others to see how much you are affected day to day and then we feel guilty and second guess ourselves about if we're doing enough to help ourselves (and self criticism is in itself a symptom of depression!)

If you think about a physical injury, say a broken leg for example. For a while, you're going to be in a cast and not able to walk. Recovery from that broken leg is a gradual process from where you are, all the way to being able to walk again, completely unasissted and without any sign your leg was broken, no limping, soreness etc. There are many points on that journey in between. If you were in this scenario instead of being depressed, what kind of support do you think that person would be deserving and worthy of at the various points in their recovery?

[geoff]

hi Scott, I know what you are saying, simply because when you are going through depression, then everyone else has to help you as well as pull a bit of extra weight around the house and provide an income, so when you are feeling much better, your guilt sets in, because now you realise that you have put them through all of this extra pressure.
You certainly can't blame yourself for any of this, remember you were the one that was struggling for such a long time, plus the loss of three important people in your life, that's a huge effect on your life, but your family wouldn't be any more happier to have you back.
As your doctor said to you that overcoming depression is a long term issue, it will remain with you, even though it may not be affecting you, but this guilt feeling needs to be overcome, otherwise that's another major problem you have to cope with. Geoff.