Genuinley recovering from vulnerable narcissm and would like some extra help to continue improving

[Earth Girl]

I recently have gotten much better mentally thanks to my psychologist, my Auntie R and a person who talked to me once on YouTube. For a long time I suffered from narcissism because for example, I use to want to be the prettiest and most popular girl in school which I never was and now realize that it doesn't matter. I also really wanted to have a daughter one day and don't get me wrong because even when I was narcissistic, I knew I would care about her needs and would love her no matter what (children are so lovely and it would be extremely hard not to love your own child especially), but one of the reasons why I wanted a daughter back then was quite frankly (I feel really bad saying this) to live through her. I was hoping that she would be the "prettiest" and most popular girl in school because I never was and I was also hoping that she would be an extremely nice person because even then, I knew I wasn't that nice (I tried really hard to be nice because it makes people feel good and because I want to be a really nice person or at least a nice person but I wasn't very good at it most of the time), but that wouldn't be fair for my daughter and it wouldn't be fair to my son if I had one as well for that matter.

I also found it extremely hard to listen to people, to take accountability, etc.

People also say that I am lying about not remembering things that I have said and done, but I genuinely don't remember a lot of the mean things I have said about people. I have asked them to please talk to me about it in a *direct* way so I know what I said, but they only either talk to me about it in an indirect way or they would talk to people pretending to be me online about it (a lot of people have pretended to be me online) and there for it doesn't get through to me.

The people I have mentioned earlier helped me get over my narcissism because they reminded me that even when I was unwell that I do have some things that are really good about me (everyone has things that are really good them) and they very politely encouraged me to work on my weaknesses as well as remembering that I have a lot of strengths as well. The person on Youtube told me about shadow work and about how we all have things that are good and bad about us and that even if you have this disorder, you still have good things about you and you can always work on the bad things about you. (He said it in a really nice way too).

I would just like some more *kind* advice to help me improve more and more........

[Earth Girl]

I also just want to debunk some myths about narcissism:

We actually do have some genuine empathy and we aren't just being fake (we can be fake at times), but most of the time we are being genuine when we are being nice.

Even though I am a vulnerable narcissist, that does not mean that I am a "miserable, wet blanket" who is "ungrateful" and "hateful", I am actually really happy most of the time (even when I was unwell) and I love everything I own (my house, garden, etc) and I do feel a lot of gratitude to people who help me (not just bullying me into getting better though as it's not helpful when people do that) and who are kind to me. (Though I could do a better job of EXPRESSING my gratitude.

I also made about fithteen accounts online on a site that I used for about five years and the reason why I made them was really complicated because a lot of the things that I said that were mean I did mean at the time, but a lot of the other things that I said I said because I was getting bullied and I was trying to make people realize how hurtful they were being when they were bullying me (e.g. calling me ugly, gay, etc) and I exaggerated it (irony is often exaggerated). I now realize that this was not the right way to explain to them how they were making me feel. With some people, they may have understood better if I just politely told them, but with other people, they would probably just have said things like "Well, you ARE ugly haha" so it can be hard to know what to do.

[Earth Girl]

My brain feels very different to how it did when my narcissism was really bad as well. It's still tricky because I feel as though I have some type of multiple personality problem and some of the personalities I have are okay (or at least I hope they are) and other ones I have actually have serious issues and I'm constantly trying to "fight" them in my head because they all seem to want to be the "main" personality so I have to try to only make the ones that are okay be the main personality which is really hard. I can often almost feel them moving around in my head. At this very moment, I feel healthy, but I'm worried that this problem might come back at any minute and I'm really scared. I really wish I could just be a normal person.

[Earth Girl]

Also, when I say *kind* advice, what I mean is, you are allowed to say that I have done a lot of things wrong (even I am aware that I have made a lot of really bad mistakes), but please do not say things like "You are all bad and no good", "There is nothing good about you" because I find it really unhelpful when people say things like that especially now that I'm able to think more clearly. I sometimes wonder if I am more bad than good, but I know that there is at least a bit of good in me. I believe that everyone in the world has something good about them. Healthy people who do not have my disorder often have a lot of good things about them.

I am not currently getting help for my disorder which I strongly think I have now because I didn't know how to get help for it because all the psychologists that I've had didn't think I had this problem, even when I tried to tell them that I think I might have it.

Yesterday, I sent an email to my psychologist letting her know about the disorder that I have. I'm worried that when she sees the email, that she will probably think it sounds very strange and I'm worried she will start thinking I'm really weird. (I know I probably even sound weird in the topic that I posted).

I would really appreciate any advice anyone has to offer me. TIA.

[therising]

Hi Earth Girl

I think one of the hardest things to do in life is become more conscious. One of the things that can make it so hard involves no one really showing us how to strategically do this as we're growing up. It's the kind of stuff we typically come to research. Whether we research it through self help books or what I like to call 'Help yourself to some self understanding' books or whether we research how to become more conscious through mental health professionals, some really great YouTubers or in some other way, we become collectors of information or revelations that lead us to gradually become more aware. It's a bit like graduating through life, rising up through different levels of conscious. One of the things that can make this rise in consciousness quite painful at times can involve us becoming aware of the pain we may have caused others when we weren't so conscious in the past. Learning to feel for others is a part of our development in areas like compassion, empathy etc. Self development can be so far from easy at times to the point where it can feel like a form of torture.

In my opinion, a brilliant book would have to be 'Insanely Gifted - Turn Your Demons Into Creative Rocket Fuel', by Jamie Catto. While the book's no longer in print, it can be accessed digitally. It speaks about different and natural aspects of self and offers tips in how to better understand, work with and manage those aspects. When I consider some of my own challenges, I offer the example of how hard it can be to work with 'the people pleaser' in me and the intolerant part of me. While the people pleaser can be a brilliant part of us, often leading us to bring pleasure, joy or a sense of relief to others who may be struggling, it can have a dark side. If it never allows us to please our self, it can become depressing. We're led to be deprived of what can bring us joy because we're so busy trying to please everyone else. The people pleaser in us needs to be managed through a healthy sense of balance. And while 'the intolerant cow' in me🐄😊 can have a bright side, it also has a dark side. It's one of the most upstanding parts of me. While I can feel it coming to life through some sense of anger at times, it helps me manage other people's degrading and abusive depressing behaviour. This part of me can have a serious potty mouth and can be enthusiastic about burning bridges with people. These are traits of my inner cow that I strategically need to manage at times. Don't want to go having a foul mouthed bridge burning sesh with the person who pays your wages 😁. If you can imagine your core sense of self as the hub of an old style wagon wheel, the spokes that stem from that can be seen as different aspects of self that support and serve the hub. The challenge can become about which spoke to channel, to be of service to that core sense of self. If you need the sage in you to come to life, there is the sage like aspect or spoke. The intolerant sense of self, can be the upstanding aspect or spoke which can stand up for our self or others. The adventurer in us can be another spoke and so on. Three spokes at once can involve the financial planner, the adventurer and the sage, which can see you having the kind of affordable holiday or adventure you really need, one that serves your soul.

In regard to you worrying about your psychologist thinking you're weird, I've found people who think I'm weird simply can't relate to how I think or see things. Once I find people who can relate, often they can help me gain a better sense of how I'm thinking, perceiving, feeling or experiencing things. Pays to find people who can relate. It can make life so much easier.

[Earth Girl]

Hi therising,

Thank you for you kind support! I agree that becoming more self conscious is really hard. I love my parents, but they didn't really show me strategic moves as how to be nice and not bully people, good ways of handling insecurity and jealousy, good ways of handling getting bullied, etc (which is an easy mistake for them to make). My family also bullied and scaped goated me really badly growing up and they don't believe they have and don't see how bad it really was. My Mum says "It sounds horrible but all families have someone in it that is the most bullied and scapegoated" I tried to tell her that I'm sure it's not every family and that it doesn't really make it okay and that their bullying was a lot worse than they remember it being and she looked really offended and cross with me so I got kind of scared.

Nobody believes that my parents can be really mean to me sometimes when there is no need to be though because they act so different behind closed doors. Even when my Mum is in the garden, she's so nice to everyone and chats with people who walk past with a warm smile and when we go on walks, she always tells people how happy their dogs look and asks about them but when they are home they can be so rude sometimes. We also don't have much of a relationship.

I understand that I still need to work on my problem though because there would be other people who may have gone through the exact same thing as me who probably don't have the same problem that I do. I understand that most of it is my own fault even though I was bullied at home and at school and was a loner in school. These things do not make it okay for me to put a lot of pressure on my children one day just to make me feel better about what I couldn't do and it doesn't make it okay for me to troll/bully others.

That sounds like a very good book, I might look into it. I agree with what you said about the people pleaser and the intolerant cow as well. It's good to try to help others, but you need to help yourself as well. I enjoy helping other people on forums and it makes me feel good when they tell me things like "you made me feel better", but if I see a problem someone is having and I can't think of anything helpful to say, I feel bad for not replying to it and if I do reply to it anyway, I get worried that my advice probably didn't help much so I'm going to try to stop thinking about it like that and just try to help as much as I can, but not worry too much if I don't give someone a reply.

As for the intolerant cow side, I have noticed that I too have burned bridges with people and can be very foul mouthed so I'm going to try more not to do those things because burning bridges doesn't help you in the long run and neither does running my mouth.

I've noticed that I've gotten a lot better at standing up for myself and others and I feel so much more confident now which I'm really happy about.

My psychologist still hasn't seen my email yet, but I'm just going to stop worrying about it and hope for the best. If I need to, I will just start seeing a different psychologist so I can work though my problem, but she has been very good and helpful so far so I think she might even be able to help me with this.

Thanks so much, therising!

[BlueLily]

Hi Earth Girl,

I suppose a narcissist would never agree themselves to be one. So you have already taken a brave step in the right direction. It can be specially difficult to understand what's right and what's wrong growing up when you don't have a good support system around you like you have mentioned with your parents. This is a great forum for you to continue to seek help and surround yourself with people to guide you. Good luck with your journey...

[therising]

Hi Earth Girl

It's sounds like you've become conscious of so much over time. Progress can be strange in nature, sometimes coming quickly and sometimes at a snail's pace. As long as it comes, that's the main thing.

When it comes to parents and while being a parent myself, I can tell you parents can be functional and dysfunctional to different degrees. They can be comprised of some of their parent's nature, some of their own nature, some of their parent's parenting style, some of the things they've become conscious of and some of the things they're not conscious of. We can be a bit of a mixed bag. I have 2 brilliant teachers (kids) who've led me to become far more conscious over the years. We parents can definitely be hard to wake up at times and can definitely be in denial on occasion. My daughter would tell you that my half asleep parenting used to really challenge her before she led me to become more conscious. While there were times where she'd say 'You refuse to listen to me', for example, I'd deny it with 'That's not true'. But she was right. She eventually woke me up to the fact. She taught me to see things from her perspective.

To become conscious of the kind of parent we don't want to be, before having kids, means we're on our way to becoming fully conscious of the kind of parent we don't want to be. I think it's important we trust our kids when it comes to how conscious we remain. For example, you can be determined to not put pressure on your child to be beautiful and perfect. If your child was to eventually say to you 'You're putting so much pressure on me to be beautiful and perfect', this could be seen as advice. You could say they're advising you that you've lost consciousness when it comes the the thing you were once determined not to do. Hope that makes sense.

With the intolerant facet of us can come our inner sage. I've found the challenge has been to pause and listen to the sage-like facet. It's what keeps the reigns on my inner cow. For example, if my inner cow was to insist 'This person needs to know they're an a*****le', what may suddenly come to mind could be 'You need to rephrase this yet make it clear their behaviour won't be tolerated'. So, it's about resisting the urge to blurt out what you'd like to and going with what is perhaps the better option. Pausing, so as to allow sage-like advice to come to mind is important. I've found pausing is an important skill to develop.

I hope your psychologist is able to relate to the kind of progress you want to make. So important to be able to feel a sense of progress, with one person or another.

[Earth Girl]

Thanks BlueLily,

I'm really not sure if a narcissist would ever agree to be one or not so I'm not completely sure if I was a narcissist, but I do know that I at least had some serious problems like what a narcissist would have. Also, a lot of people from school say that I'm a narcissist and I feel like since it's not just me who thinks this that it may be further evidence that I could have been one? I felt as if I had some type of multiple personality problem and some of the personalities were a bit disturbed, some of them were sort of okay, but had issues and the one that I have now is okay (I hope). I at least feel a lot healthier than before.

Thank you for your kind support as well and I agree, this is a great forum. It has helped me a lot!

[Earth Girl]

I agree, just as long as the progress comes, that's the main thing. It took a long time, but I'm glad it at least came. Also, I consider being 30 years old to be more of an adult than 18 if that makes any sense? Because I feel like 18 is still quite an immature age for a lot of people, especially myself. I was extremely immature when I was 18 and even in my 20s. So I'm glad that it's getting better before I turn 30 at least.

I know that there is no such thing as a perfect parent, but whenever I try to tell my parents that they really hurt me, they say things like "Oh, Earth Girl, we're not perfect!" and then I say that I don't expect them to be and then they say, "I don't mean that I think that you expect us to be perfect, I just, um... ugh!" I use to tell other people that I was not perfect as well though as though it was some type of lame excuse and now I see that it's really bad to say that when someone is upset with you. My parents can be super nice at time, but they can also be super mean behind close doors when there is no need to be and I don't mean mean as in the same way most people can be mean, I mean mean as in a bit narcissistic and unhealthy. Like as though they also have a serious problem.

That being said, like you said, they probably act this way partly because that's how their parents may have acted and because of how they were raised so it's like a long chain and it's a system I want to break because I don't want to hurt my children really badly because I know what it is like to be hurt really badly by your parents and my parents also know what it's like and so do their parent's, etc.

I know all parents mess up a lot and that even though I'm healthier now, that I'm still going to mess up a lot, but I just don't want to full on damage my child/children like how I was damaged.

It's really cool that you see your children as teachers and you're right, they are! Parents may be teachers in a way to the children, but children are also great teachers to their parents! Thanks for reminding me that my children will be teaching me too and it won't just be me teaching them. I will try my very best to listen to them and take them seriously and if they ever tell me that I am hurting them or putting to much pressure on them, I'm going to take them seriously and believe what they say so that I can regain consciousness.

I also completely agree that instead of insulting people, I (and people in general) need to rephrase this so it's not rude and actually gets the message across in a good way because that is a better and more helpful way of doing it. I don't like it when people just insult me without even being clear of exactly what I'm doing wrong as it hurts my feelings and doesn't even give me the chance to improve so I'm going to try to make things clear to people without being rude.

"Pausing is an important rule to develop." Also very true.

Thank you so much! All your advice you have given me is extremely helpful!