Frozen - stuck - just not in touch

[james1]

Hello, I apologise if this doesn't make much sense. I've not been posting much because I've been struggling to work out what I'm struggling with. And after a couple of weeks (or days? time passes in a funny way now), I'm half a step closer to figuring it out.

So I feel like I'm frozen in some sort of bubble. What I mean by that is nothing I do seems to affect anyone outside of me. I don't really work while at work, and no one seems to notice. I don't talk to friends, and they don't talk to me back. Even when I try to break the isolation a bit, it's like I'm not really reaching anybody. Even if I try to think about myself, I get stuck so I'm not even in touch with myself.

I am more venting than anything. I had a psychologist appointment on Saturday and we're now meeting twice a week. I shut down completely in my last appointment - involuntarily. My mind just wouldn't let me think or talk when we started getting close to something that must've been...hard. But the trouble is I don't actually remember what it was anymore. I know I need to keep going to each appointment and I genuinely look forward to them...but I'm quite tired now.

I've tried ways of grounding myself but they only help me feel connected to the physical environment. Not other people's minds and emotions, and I need that.

James

[Guest_322]

Hi James,

Just popping in quickly to say hi. I hope things are going well (or well-ish) in your world. I just wanted to let you know that I'll be taking a break from BB. I don't really want to get into the details but I just don't feel like myself these days.

I've mentioned this on other threads but I wanted to make sure to address you personally...I want to spend more time in what Croix calls my "music cloud." I'm going to spend more time composing. No lyrics- I don't do lyrics. Tried before and it always came out wrong. Just notes (aka the language that I speak best). Why fight my "nature", right haha?

When I'm not feeling so great, music is the best medicine for me personally so yeah...

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know. I think you're very special. And very smart. And very creative. And perceptive. I hope things continue going well with this lovely lady. And I hope she is as special as you.

Love,

Dottie xxx

[james1]

Hey Dottie,

Thank you. I'm with you in spirit all the way, and I'll carry you along with me too.

Love ya lots

James

[Quercus]

Hi James,

Just a mothering kind of soul popping by to see how you're doing and asking if you're getting better at remembering your meds?

Once a long time ago I used to put a dot of marker on my hand in the morning when I took my meds to remind me through the day when I'd have a brain freeze and forget. Made it habit first thing. Tablet and a drink of water and a splotch of ink ☺. Have you thought about a routine thing or have you gotten better?

Also. How have you been lately? Good to hear things are going well with your lady. That is awesome news that she's in your corner about the MI. Nothing better than a partner who understands. Hubby dealth with a parent with a MI so he gets it and it's been a life saver for me. So I'm really pleased she is supportive to you.

Anyways just wanted to come bug you and say thanks for sharing your view on my thread. It's not a topic people seem to talk about from a female point of view let alone a blokes so I did value your reply.

Take care of yourself 😊

[james1]

Hello 🙂

Yeah I do need to make another appointment though. Aha I love your routine idea. Unfortunately I have no routines at all, so this would be the first and it probably wouldn't work 😛 I seem to be doing alright though.

Yeah, C and I are going up the coast this long weekend. It'll be nice. I had a crazy-making day on Monday and spoke to my psych about it on Wednesday. I am making progress in some areas, but not so in others, but that's okay. I'll get there in the end 🙂 I'll just be really poor by the end of all these sessions, haha.

Thank you for checking in 🙂

James

[Quercus]

Hi James,

I saw another post of yours about your relationship and the difficulting in keeping your identity separate from your GF.

I didn't reply because I didn't really understand what was being said. Still not too sure actually. I struggle with feeling lost within a relationship. I feel like I lose my sense of self but I'm not sure if that's what you meant.

But I did want to check how you are doing. Are you alright?

[james1]

Hey Quercus,

I think for me it's a bit more tied in with all my other distorted identity.

To explain, I see people as caricatures - very one sided people. I see one of my friends as a happy runner. If that person stopped running one day, I'd really struggle because, well, they're a runner. I see myself in the same way. The "working me" is not the same person as the "watching tv" me or the "running me" or the "writing me". They're completely separate people and the only link is that they occupy this same body. It's like dissociative identity disorder, except less serious. So me being in a relationship is tough because I feel like I'm lying to them whenever "another me" decides to take over from the "original me" that the person met.

How about you? It might be a different reason for feeling lost in a relationship, but I imagine it still feels dreadful at times. It sounds hard especially with your kids. I think that can be a big struggle as well because you, like in a relationship, have new needs to take care of which aren't your own.

You said in your own thread as a letter to yourself:

"The kids need to get out and so do you."

This is super! You have responsibility for your family, but also for yourself. You can take care of both, and resigning sounds like it's what you want to do 🙂

Oh, I should answer your question, haha. I am doing alright. My psych gets back on Wednesday after 2.5 weeks off which was tough, but I'm managing. I'm in a similar boat to you actually - I need to quit within the next year, but I'm waiting at the moment for things to settle financially before I start making plans.

James

[Quercus]

Hi James,

I'm glad you're doing ok. This I found very interesting actually....

I feel like I'm lying to them whenever "another me" decides to take over from the "original me" that the person met.

That makes sense to me. I remember my husband coming to pick me up from work one day (not long after we met) and he stood quietly and watched me helping a customer. When I noticed him he had this amused smile which I couldn't interpret. I was immediately on edge feeling like I had been lying to him about what I'm like.

He told me later he hadn't seen my "professional" side before and that he could see why I was exhausted after work because I am like an introvert performing as an extrovert. He was amused because he imagined me seeing him at work and that I would tell him off for being rude. I know now he is very cold and aloof at work an image which surprised me a lot.

My point... People that take the time to get to know us properly get to know all of the quirks that make us unique. It's not lying.

Your GF will learn all the aspects of your personality given time and trust. But I suspect I there is more to it to you than I am able to understand not having experienced your MI myself.

[james1]

Hey Quercus,

Thanks. You know those times when someone's said something so well you don't feel like there's anything more to add?

Yeah.

Awesome post,, haha. You've explained that really well.

James

[Quercus]

Hi James,

Well that was nice to hear there I was feeling like I had been waffling 😊.

Seriously though try not to overthink it (easier said than done). We all have these different aspects and I find we spend so long worrying unnecessarily. If she loves you she'll love you quirks and all just as you will accept what makes her unique.

[james1]

Hello,

I wanted to put in an update because I've been doing pretty badly, but didn't know where to put it and kind of found this one again by accident, so here it goes.

I am okay, I am just looking for a place to put my thoughts because it's crowding my head.

I know what I need to do which is basically keep doing what I'm doing now and to be patient. I'm just tired, afraid and unwilling.

And very, VERY, empty.

The thread is in the depression section but I think the thread name is more accurate. I wouldn't say I'm depressed, just not feeling real.

Also very lonely.

Things will improve. The urges to drink, , take drug, shop, smoke and sleep around will go away.

But for now, I'm struggling.

You won't see a brave face on this mole, just some determined eyes poking from his tunnel, ready to cave the house in temporarily if that's what it takes.

James