Frozen - stuck - just not in touch

[james1]

Hello, I apologise if this doesn't make much sense. I've not been posting much because I've been struggling to work out what I'm struggling with. And after a couple of weeks (or days? time passes in a funny way now), I'm half a step closer to figuring it out.

So I feel like I'm frozen in some sort of bubble. What I mean by that is nothing I do seems to affect anyone outside of me. I don't really work while at work, and no one seems to notice. I don't talk to friends, and they don't talk to me back. Even when I try to break the isolation a bit, it's like I'm not really reaching anybody. Even if I try to think about myself, I get stuck so I'm not even in touch with myself.

I am more venting than anything. I had a psychologist appointment on Saturday and we're now meeting twice a week. I shut down completely in my last appointment - involuntarily. My mind just wouldn't let me think or talk when we started getting close to something that must've been...hard. But the trouble is I don't actually remember what it was anymore. I know I need to keep going to each appointment and I genuinely look forward to them...but I'm quite tired now.

I've tried ways of grounding myself but they only help me feel connected to the physical environment. Not other people's minds and emotions, and I need that.

James

[Quercus]

Hi James (and a wave to Dottie too),

Ah the joyful fear of abandonment. I think any person with a MI can relate to you there. There always seems to be that fear how much more will they tolerate before they just up and leave me... Oh I know that one very well.

At least you're doing the most important thing and taking care of yourself. I had to laugh at the mouldy dishes comment though (sorry) my husband can put up with all my mood swings and dramas but I think he would have a heart attack if he saw mouldy dishes 😊. Poor thing has had a hard time adjusting to the mess two small kids involves!

I keep wondering about the lack of focus whether medication has a role to play. What do you think? I like that they help me stop obsessing over things but at the same time it's become like I can't focus on anything let alone multitasking. Hmm maybe I'll raise that on your thread.

Anyway thanks for your reply. I'm waiting to go into my therapy. Kind of want to vomit but it will be ok. Thanks for the encouragement 😊

Take care James and hope you're feeling a bit better in yourself soon.

[james1]

Medication...unfortunately I'm so bad with my medication that I can't comment on that without saying, hand to heart, that it's not just the temporary side effects. But I do think it has a slight role and someone actually mentioned that in my other thread so I suggested possibly a change in medication after talking to the doctor. I suppose we react differently to each.

Anyway, I wanted to say a big thank you again for posting and checking up on me. You've been a real gem on these forums in your short time here (plus I just love your profile picture). Also a massive happy mothers day for Sunday past 🙂 I hope you enjoy the trip.

[Quercus]

Hi James,

Thanks 😊 what a nice feeling to come back from my trip to a compliment. I appreciate it.

I got this little box for my meds has the days of the week and am and pm. I'm really bad at remembering if I took the tablets so this stops me from double dosing. Have you tried something like this?

How have you been?

[james1]

Hey quercus,

Oh I've seen those boxes before. I think my trouble is I don't believe I have depression so I subconsciously sabotage my tablet taking. I'm a little bit tired of having multiple doctors so I've truthfully just weaned myself off the tablets for now. The BPD means my depression is pretty dependent on external factors - I can hit real lows where the tablets do nothing, or real highs where I don't see the point. I suppose it's the middle ground where they're of use, but I feel fairly in control and capable now in those periods.

I have been...I'm not sure. I've been dating this lovely girl the past three weeks so I was really bad and I think that made me get sick while it was up in the air, but things are progressing well now so I'm good again. I am wary of this blinding me to the issues that are clearly there since I still don't do so well in my psych sessions and that situation is what this not-quite-relationship will become down the track. So I'd say enjoying the experience, but wary?

Haha as I type this I'm already seeing some of those issues. Ah well. I have time to work on them before this dating gets properly serious 😛

James

[Quercus]

Hi James,

Sorry but your post has brought out the overprotective Mum in me so you're in for a serve 😊

Does your GP and psych know you've stopped the meds? Time to go make an appointment and consider letting them read the last post so they know where you're at. What do you think about this? I don't know much about BPD and meds but I know my psychiatrist said I'd react badly to my meds if it was BPD (he didn't think it was but there was a possibility I suppose). I just think if the meds don't help you then maybe they need to be reviewed.

Also... Love. My family always say I'm only happy when I'm in love. So a new relationship or an excitong patch in an existing relationship always seems to mask my problems for a while and I get complacent about my mental health. Then when there are problems or doubts I fall apart because I've been neglecting myself. What you wrote rang alarm bells for me. Are you doing this too?

I am glad to hear you're happy in your relationship but please remember your health is priority number one.

Mum rant over 😊 seriously though James... Is an honest and open chat to your GP/psych an option?

[james1]

Hey quercus,

no problem. A lot of what you've said, I've also been thinking about, so it's nice to know im' on the right page.

About the medication, my psych knows but my GP only knows I've been really bad with them. The trouble I find with borderline personality disorder and medication is that the depression is so up and down, that medication only really helps me to get the energy to do things. All the other mental stuff...it's all in my head and is for me to work on with my psych. Even the GP has basically said the same thing - it's just to get me more level.

Yeah, I'm being careful not to be complacent and just keeping mind of the fact that despite how I can feel good outside of therapy, there's definitely something missing otherwise therapy wouldn't be so hard. So making sure I'm not using the dating as a crutch, keeping up my own interests, that kind of thing.

So yeah, all this I've already spoken to my psych about. It doesn't bother her really, because she can see that it's all peripheral around the main issue which is this constant battle between me and me about who I am and what I deserve. If anything, by giving things a go I'm trusting the bit that says I deserve more, and that's a good thing. I just can't let it get too out of hand 😛

I don't know if that makes sense, but thanks for the concern 🙂 I do appreciate it

James

[Quercus]

Hi James,

Oh I'm relieved you weren't annoyed. Sometimes the Mum side just lashes out. After I'd posted I was berating myself... You're a grown man, your choices are you own kind of thing.

But it is a relief to know you've had this discussion with your psych and she's on board.

I get what you mean about maintaining your own interests. Sometimes in the excitement of "us" I lose track of "me" and then spiral back into the panic of am I doing this because I want to or because I'm becoming a doormat again. Sigh.

Also another really positive thing you said was being careful you're not using the relationship as a crutch. That is painful for all involved. It's a pretty crappy feeling if you know the person your dating is using you to help themselves not because they actually want you for you. So I respect that you're taking care not to do that to your girlfriend. That's something that says a lot of good about the person you are 😊

[Guest_322]

Hi James,

Thanks for popping in to say hi and see how I'm doing on my thread. Above all, thank you for caring and reaching out- it means a lot.

I thought that I would swing by here to see how you're doing.

It looks like you're still looking for you and working on yourself. Work in progress huh? But I think it's great that you have a good sense of self awareness. Although I suppose, in your case, understanding isn't necessarily the issue but more about putting what you understand into practice. Intellectual understanding/insight isn't always on the same page as our emotions, I guess. It's a toughie...

I'm up and down. Busy, yes, and have been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting so haven't been on BB as much.

Anyway, I better go tackle some uni work!

Dottie x

[james1]

Hey Dottie,

The me stuff is, like you say, a work in progress. A slow work in progress, but it's moving along. Definitely a matter of putting things into practice but it's bloody tiring sometimes and I just want a rest. I've become quite insolent in my psych sessions haha.

Otherwise, I've been seeing this lovely girl in the last month and that is going surprisingly well. She's aware of my issues now and has been very sweet about it, but also very relaxed so that's nice. I've definitely had to battle the BPD symptoms with this but I'm doing my best to be open where appropriate, rather than closed...so I'd like to say I've at least gotten better at that aspect compared to previously!

Thanks for asking about me too 🙂

James

[Guest_322]

Hi James,

Sorry, your comment about being insolent gave me a chuckle. Rest assured, I was often no angel when it came to being a bit of a smart mouth with my psychs haha.

The funnies aside...I'm glad you seem to be making progress. Your date/gf sounds pretty chill and accepting of you and that's always a big tick. Good on you for being more open. Emotional vulnerability takes guts so go you!

Dottie x