Freaking Out, even about posting....

[The_Fleur]

My first time on a site like this.  Had a horrible night of feeling disconnected and worthless, not interested in much....even though I know I have stuff I should be interested in and people are relying on me for support....  I am your typical listener, sometimes its easier to listen to everyone else's issues than to face my own, not even sure what my own are sometimes either.

Have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and anxiety, great label hey?  It doesn't sound as bad as it feels though.  Feels like my insides, and everything that should feel good, is being grated with a cheese grater, but no-one else can see it, only me...

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[Neil_1]

Hi there Fleur

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you so much for coming here and providing your post.  That can often be a big step to take and I’m so glad that you’ve decided to do this.  Steps forward are always positive – no matter what size they are.

Ok, so you’ve mentioned that you’ve had your diagnosis completed – are you able to share how long ago that was??   And from that, did the treating GP either refer you on for counselling of any kind and/or did they provide you with any medication to take?

You say people are relying on you for support.  Is that at your work;   at home;  or both??

Do you feel like you’ve got other avenues for support close at hand for you or are you pretty much on your own and dealing with it by yourself?

I’m sorry for the 39 questions that I raised – but it’ll just give myself and other posters, some better information about your current situation, so we’ll be better advised to hopefully provide you with appropriate advice (and support).

Kind regards

Neil

[The_Fleur]

Thanks for your reply 🙂

I guess my 'official' diagnosis was about 5 years ago, however I believe I have always had depression to some extent as I cannot remember a time when things were 'normal' for me...in my head anyway.  first lot of counselling led to abuse  by counselor and I didn't go back after first visit.  This put me off for years as I was very young at the time and felt this was just the way of the world (this was way before any diagnosis).  I am 25 years on from this experience and still have found no therapy to be helpful..yet.  Happy to keep trying new things, mindfulness, CBT, 1 on 1 psychology sessions...haven't found a match yet.  My husband is very supportive and very knowledgeable in this area too but at this stage he has probably done all he can do and I really see that being so close to each other the talking can become very emotional as opposed to having someone who is distant from the events we discuss.  I do have a couple of people I get on well with but have not disclosed and am really scared of doing so.  I have lost many people in my life through moving around and it does feel sometimes as if, when someone knows you are vulnerable they see you differently, even if you didnt talk about 'depressing things' and hide it well, once they know, they go!  I have lost contact with everyone from home apart from immediate family.  The people I mentioned relying on me for support I guess are more at work than anything and I do encourage people to offload on me, I always have.  I like the feeling of fixing others peoples issues, maybe it distracts me from my own or I want to do for others what no one has done for me?  I'm not sure.  Hubby reckons I try too hard to please people, even when it doesnt really matter.......

[Neil_1]

Hi Fleur

Thank you so much for your latest response.

Your husband sounds like a wonderful person and we know if we have someone who's so close to us who is supportive, that can be so beneficial.  I'm pleased you've got that relationship.

With regard to friends;  I would be cautious as to who or which one to tell - knowing that as you say, once they know, they go.  I like that little 5 word rhyme you produced.  But back to that, I would divulge only if you feel that they are that kind of friend who would be of support to you - but also when divulging, I'd only give them an abbreviated version of it - just to let them know, but not to the full extent.  Just a thought.

Fleur, I can't imagine how you must have felt after that counselling episode - there's no words to describe someone who is in that profession who, let's face it, preys on their clients.  Just disgusting.  And now wonder it put you off.

But 5 years is a long time to be dealing with this, mostly on your own.

Not sure if you know this, but on this site, Beyond Blue have a list of GP's available to be searched for.  The thing with these GP's is that they are all skilled in dealing with mental health issues - and as such, after/during the appointment they would be best able to refer you on for the most appropriate professional (psychologist or psychiatrist) for expert counselling - and they may or may not choose to prescribe anti-depressants as well.  You will feel safe and looked after with these folk and above all supported and cared for.

I know what you mean about being the "go to" person at work - I was in that kind of environment a few years back - a really good place to work in, but also to have people who felt comfortable enough to come and talk about their issues - it was like kind of being a "social worker" of sorts.

You know the other thing I've thought Fleur - and only if you feel ok to do so;  but on this site, there are so many new posters here every day and every one is seeking assistance, help, guidance, advice and support.  If you felt ok, then maybe you could have a look at some of the posters and their stories and you might have some valuable words and advice for them.  Just another thought of mine.

Again Fleur, thank you for posting and I do hope to hear back from you again.

Neil