Finally realising this depression is real and is at least ten years old

[AlisonM]

thats it really. Title of this post says it all. It's time to accept that I'm quick to tears. Time to accept that not being able to breathe sometimes is a depression related symptom, not anything else. Time to accept I have to actively shield myself from the news sometimes. Time to accept I must just go for a walk on the bad days. Time to accept that I don't know what I want to be when I grow up and to accept that I must have change to feel normal and or excited.

 I've often felt that I'm better, but I never have been. I've just never honestly been able to accept there's a real problem.  Which means I've never been able to appreciate the good days. 

 rambling thoughts. Thanks for "listening"

[Neil_1]

Dear AlisonM

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you so much for coming and providing your post.  I tend to sometimes act like a bit of a detective;  in that, this is well and truly your first post, but you've been a member for a fair time, so what is needed here I feel is a "Huge congratulations to you" for deciding now to take that step to reach out for yourself.

This is a great step that you've taken and not only that, but you've posted with a number of things that you recognise to be issues for yourself.  Another positive.

And you know, rambling thoughts - just getting things down on paper or on computer is a good thing;  it helps a bit to clear the mind, and to make it less cluttered.

In your life, do you have means of support that are close to you?   Family, friends, possible acquaintances?

Also, have you sought out any professional assistance to help you out?

I won't write too much in the first instance, as I'd really like to hear back from you on those couple of questions.  Other posters will no doubt read as well and will hopefully join in with advice and support, once we can find out just a little bit more about your background - if you're ok to let us know.

I do hope to hear from you again soon.

Kind regards

Neil

[White_Rose]

Dear Alison

Welcome to BB and I also congratulate you on your first post. It's not as easy as it looks. I also offer my congratulations on your recognition of your depression. Or do you think you have really knowm what it is but have refused to accept it? Many people struggle to accept they are depressed and of course much of this is due to the attitude of others towards depression.

So what's next? Well this is a good and safe place to start. As you have been a member for a while I presume you have been reading the various posts on the web site. I wonder if this has given you any insight to your depression. As you will no doubt know the first thing is to ask if you have any profession support, as Neil has asked you. This is probably your next port of call. Diagnosis, possibly medication and possibly a psychologist are options. My GP does a fantastic job of helping me so it is not always necessary to go to someone else.

Like Neil I will not batter you with heaps of advice. Please reply so that we can carry on the conversation.

Regards

Mary

[AlisonM]

Hi Neil and Mary, thanks for taking the time for me.  I do have pretty good support around me.  My husband is great. I guess the issue there, is that it was him who pointed out to me that depression could be what was up with me, when we were both watching Jeff Kennett on Enough Rope years ago promoting Beyondblue in its infancy. Ok, that's not the issue... It's that we got help then, and I've just wanted to be 'fixed' ever since.  I'll be honest, even while suffering, I've never paid it the respect it deserves.

Now that you have drawn my attention to my membership I notice that I registered at a time when I was in deep, deep distress and just begun to be under the care of a psychologist who was amazing. 

I certainly feel that my depression is fairly mild in the main, with shortish periods of lower lows often related to stresses, but sometimes not.  Maybe this is just another version of denial, or minimisation, but it does feel correct to me.

The part that is frustrating and sometimes entertaining, depending on your sense of humour, is that how I feel about any particular topic today, is guaranteed to change tomorrow. 

I have been medicated in the past, but I hated it and the thought that I couldn't just be cured.  So I stopped taking it and decided to be fixed if you know what I mean.  I actually felt that my doctor prescribed too readily in the first instance.

Thanks again for listening; it's nice just to say some of these things out loud occasionally.  

[White_Rose]

Lovely to hear from you Alison.  It's good that you have recovered from the deep distress of a couple of years ago. That is truly a dreadful place to be.

Can I ask, are you still seeing the psychologist? If not it may be worth a visit for a check up, so to speak. After a while we lose the edge on our coping mechanisms and need someone or something to help sharpen up again.

About medication, I often have a private giggle to myself as I come across the many people who have the same thoughts and feelings as I do about medication. (Not giggling at you). I hate taking pills of any decription, although I manage short term medication such as a course of antibiotics. I've lost count of the number of people who ask me what is the difference between antibiotics and ADs, as they are both prescribed for an illness. All very true and logical but for those of us who take ADs and the like there is a very real difference.

But there is a core of truth in what is said. ADs are probably more like taking medication for high blood pressure, diabetes, thyroid problems and all the other long-term or permanent medical conditions. The condition may not be 'cured' but is certainly kept in check.

I, reluctantly took an AD for several years not convinced of its efficacy. Recently my GP discussed raising the amount of AD. I agree (don't know why) and was gobsmacked at the result. For the first time as long as I can remember I felt free, able to think clearly and logically with so much of my anxiety disappearing.

Now I'm not saying this will happen for everyone. It seems my GP has stumbled on the AD that works for me and the correct dose. It feels as though my brain has had a thorough spring clean. The dust of ages has been swept away and all the bits of brain are now able to talk to each other. I still cannot believe it.

It's not the whole story. What it means is that all the work she and my psych have been doing with me has finally registered and I am far more able to take steps to manage my life. Still have not so good days, but boy are they easier than before. There will always be difficulties in my life, I know that. But then there are difficulties in everyone's life.

Well, that's my experience and I hope it helps you.

Mary

[AlisonM]

Hi Mary, Lots of what you wrote to me resonated strongly with me. Especially because I do take meds for high blood pressure. What an aha moment for me. Since I first posted a few weeks ago, I had a bit of a super rotten day that caused me to get sick enough of the situation to go and see my doctor, who has prescribed a couple of things to help me out, along with a referral to a therapist again. I feel better just having taken that step.  I'm actually pretty upbeat because in the course of prescribing an AD the doc asked me about alcohol and that led to a pretty honest discussion. So, I'm dealing with that now too, with huge relief because I've wanted to address that for years as well.

so, my thanks to you and Geoff for being two more of the factors that have lead me to actually take some meaningful action. 

[AlisonM]

Oops, I meant Neil!

[White_Rose]

Hello Alison

So pleased you have restarted your journey towards better health. Well I expect the bad day was a shock to the system but good in that it has kick started or perhaps rebooted your engine.

It is good to talk to someone with experience in managing mental health. Not sure what the alcohol related problem but that does not matter.  What matters is that you have identified another stumbling block in your life and are prepared to address it. No wonder you feel stoked.

Remember the people at BB are here to help and encourage you on your journey. As you become more adept at managing you may feel you can in turn give encouragement to others.

Keep in touch for as long as it helps.

Regards

Mary

[Turtle1]

Hi

I know how you feel.  Wouldn't it be nice if depression just disappeared.  It really is hard work.  But you know what you have put up with it and survived it for 10 years, so that proves that you are managing it and that you are strong and that you can continue.  I think after many years as you have and I also, you just learn to manage it you learn to know what to do on those bad days, and on any day just to be ok.  It's exhausting I know.  Keep moving forward and know you are not alone.  well done for accepting that you have depression, it sounds like you have come a long way. x