Feeling worthless and not good enough

[Snaedis]

Hi,

I have been struggling with loving myself and being positive about who I am. I have had people who were my best friends leave me for no reason. Then my guy best friend who had a relationship with me but then turned out he didn't kow what he was doing when I really liked him. Its been a while but I still feel like I am not good enough for him or anyone. Due to my childhood I have always had self-esteem issues. And somehow this situation escalated them. I feel unappreciated, worthless, alone and just not good enough. I don't know what to do. I can't not be friends with him because we have the same friends group and its hard not to see him but it's really sad and upsetting when I see him. He says he cares and is sorry but I don't know why I don't see or feel it in his actions. I don't feel happy about my life or anything anymore. Any help would be greatly appreciated thank you.

[moonandstars]

Hi Snaedis,

I am new to this forum but I will try and help the best I can! I also have depression as well as generalised and social anxiety disorders and have been in a few similar situations in terms of relationships.

I had a best friend (she’s a girl and so am I) and we got along so well and we both work together at the same place. We had a massive falling out and long story short she stopped being my friend because of my mental health conditions and I felt horrible! I too, felt awful and I knew that I was still going to see her as we worked together and people I was friends with were friends with her. I was forced to still see her and it was really hard but I have come to terms with it. I had friends in the group that I could confide in and it made me feel like I wasn’t alone and that people still cared about me. One persons “negative,” opinion of me no longer seemed to matter once I had the support of a true friend.

Do you have friends in your same friendship group that you can confide in about this issue? Or perhaps chatting with a loved one or even one of the beyondblue chat services for some professional guidance?

Just know that you are not alone with these feelings. I know how difficult it can be in even romantic relationships to have people not reciprocate feelings. You are not worthless. You are more than enough and you are loved.

Practice some self care and remember it’s okay to put yourself first. Maybe listen to some music or great yourself to your favourite food? I’m not the best with advice but I hope you know that there is always people that care for you.

I hope this response is enough. This is my first reply to a thread. Please take care and reach out again here if you need it!

From,

Jemma

[SarahZ]

Hello Snaedis,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for reaching out - it is very brave and courageous of you. I'm really saddened to read how you are feeling about yourself recently. Learning to love ourselves despite what others think, do, or say, is always a challenge. It must be really painful trying to understand the reasons as to why people who you thought were your close friends suddenly leave you with no reason. A quote I like to remind myself of whenever I feel insecure about my self-image is that 'those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter'. On the same line as what @moonandstars said, sometimes just having those one or two friends who really understand and support is more than enough.

I also tend to take a life perspective that everything happens for a reason. Maybe a refreshing start making new friends or reaching out to old contacts might be something you will feel up to in the future? However, I can understand how difficult this might be considering how raw your emotions and pain must be right now. It must be confusing and upsetting seeing this guy friend considering you both share the same friendship group. Have you guys known each other for a long time?

If you feel that you are really struggling with your thoughts I recommend getting in contact with the 24/7 Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or the Webchat 3pm-12am. If you're under 25, you can also talk to a professional counsellor 24/7 at Kids Helpline at 1800 55 1800 or visit their website at https://kidshelpline.com.au/. The counsellors are really friendly and may provide you with some helpful advice as to how to navigate your feelings.

Here if you ever feel like talking ~

Wishing you all the best and sending you positive thoughts x

[Snaedis]

Hi Jemma,

Thank you so much for replying. It's my first time posting so I was a bit nervous. I am really sorry that you had to go through that but glad that you had someone you could talk about it to. I have tried talking to 2 of my friends, one who is in the friend group we share and other who doesn't know him. The friend (lets call him A and guy who hurt me B) that we share of course as expected was biased and told me that I should be glad about what B done so I learn from it and yeah i guess i should learn but it looked like he was implying what B had done was right and not really acknowledge my feelings. But he just didn't want it to get awkward I don't know. The other friend who doesn't know him told me that he was wrong and he shouldn't lead me on and I should just avoid him as much possible. And she is right but I don't know why I still want him to want me in like miss talking to me and stuff and I feel like such an idiot for thinking that. Like i just don't learn. I also don't want to tell a lot of people about this because he never made it official so I kind feel stupid about what I did.

I am trying to be positive and enjoy my company and love myself more but it's sooo much harder than it sounds and your little words of encouragement surely will help. I might be fine for a while and then it just hits me that I can't do anything but feel sad and cry.

Thank you so much for replying, I really appreciate it. ❤️

[Snaedis]

Hi SarahZ,

Thank you so much for your reply. As you both said having a friend you can confide is good but after this its making me question all my friendships. Not sure if I mentioned he was (not sure if he still is) my best friend for 3 years and he's been there for me when my friends left me for no reason and helped me recover from it. If someone who's been that close to me goes and does something like this when they know how I am and how I am going to respond doesn't make me feel good. All I keep thinking is everyone is just selfish and no one cares and I know that's not true but I just can't believe it in my heart, like I am just waiting for someone to do me wrong and prove it all over again. What's more upsetting than seeing him is how indifferent he is about it, like it didn't make a difference to him at all. I have been trying to stay in touch with my school friends and cousins but its always happy feeling. If I am feeling down I don't have the energy to pretend to be happy when I am not and I really appreciate all the people who keep smiling when things go bad because its so hard.

I did see someone since this mental state has been impacting my life /studies a lot but all they said to me was talk to them and I told them I have tried it and it didn't work. Like they didn't really understand and not sure if its worth it also.

Also, thank you for the quote, I am gonna try to remember that whenever I feel sad over people

Thank you so much for replying again, honestly it means a lot that someone understands me ❤️

[therising]

Hi Snaedis

You're a truly amazing person. For a start, you tend to do something a lot don't take the time to do and that is question everything. If we don't ask questions we don't find answers. From personal experience, I believe how we ask our questions is highly significant. I'll elaborate a little:

• Instead of asking 'What's wrong with me?', the question could be 'Why is this guy exhibiting such questionable behaviour?' Why is he exhibiting indifference when the difference should be obvious? This is something you touched on yourself. Is he unable to process obvious difference, for some reason, or can he process it but does not wish to address the issue. You could challenge him to address it. That choice remains yours
• You question friendships. Maybe the question could be 'Why am I suddenly being inspired to question friendships?' Are people somewhat selfish and uncaring? Maybe this could translate to 'Why are these people acting selfishly (serving themselves) and why are they acting carelessly under the circumstances?' Do they have little desire when it comes to being more conscious, like you like to be more conscious of things? Do they like to avoid confrontation? Is this a fault in them?
• You question why you still want this guy to be interested. I imagine it's for good reason. Valid reasons could involve this person often bringing out the best in you or it could involve this person leading you to feel sensational. What I mean by sensational is - they help conjure up physical sensations that you love identifying with. Emotion is definitely a physical experience. How does your body feel when you see him? Do you feel joy, as a physical experience? Does your heart race with excitement? Do you feel your body power up to excitement? Does he change how you feel mentally and physically? If this is the case, you could perhaps say 'I don't want this guy playing with my emotions anymore. I will wisely choose who I want interacting with my emotions'. Experiment with certain vibes people give you. Helps strengthen intuition

Snaedis, I have learned to question just about everything and everyone who leads me to wonder. I've also learned that I'm not always going to get a satisfactory answer out of some of those I question. The amount of times I've asked my husband why he thinks/acts the way he does only to be met with 'I don't know', I've lost count of.

Snaedis, you're a highly conscious person in a frustrating process of searching for answers. You are brilliant!

🙂

[SarahZ]

Hello Snaedis,

Thank you so much for your response. How have you been feeling today?

I can't imagine how painful that must feel having someone you're best-friends with for 3 years suddenly leave the relationship like that. I definitely agree with how you said he should have known who you are and how you would react. Best-friends should know us best, our habits, what we like, what we don't like, what makes us happy, and what makes us upset. So it must feel super upsetting having someone who you trusted so much just disappear from your life. However, it must be even more painful since he still shares the same friendship group, which means you can't ever really evade his presence. Correct me if i'm wrong, but from what I understand this guy ended the friendship after he felt confused about his emotions and whether to be in a relationship with you?

Although I don't know the specifics, I really feel like he handled the situation very poorly considering you two used to be so tight. I want you to know that him being indifferent and ending the friendship does not reflect who you are as a person; instead, it reflects who he is as a person. Just know these forums are always here with people who care about your story and want to listen to your story. You are definitely worth it! Just reading your posts has shown how lovely, smart, and emotionally intelligent you are as a person.

Sending you big hugs and positive thoughts ~

[Snaedis]

Hi therising,

Thank you so much for your reply. From the looks of he's able to process everything and still be indifferent about it. I have actually brought it up with him since we were close before. I personally believe everything can be solved by communication if both parties are involved. I guess thats one thing, how is he so indifferent about it does that mean he was never that invested (he says otherwise). He hates confrontation and hence why he avoids me because everytime i want to just talk he thinks i am confronting. You are actually correct, he honestly brought out the best in me and makes me feel sensational, I guess thats why i am not ready to let go of that feeling. When he says stuff i wholeheartedly believe in them when I know i shouldn't but i just can't help it. He wants to be friends but his actions says otherwise like he doesn't come see at all (we live in the same building) or message me unless like he really needs to. It seems a little forced to me so I told him if he was gonna act like that there's no point being friends just for the say and according to him theres nothing wrong.

I am starting to realise exactly what you said, I can't seem to get any answers and I will never find them. But that doesnt help when I question everything a lot because I don't want to be in a sticky situation like this.

Thank you so much for replying, makes me feel so much better that questioning everything is not a bad trait that I have because everyone says I should stop it but i dont see anything wrong with questioning,

[Snaedis]

Hi SarahZ,

It's been alright today, didn't feel sad or down just kinda numb and exhausted and little happy so I guess that's progress lol. Its not bad seeing him its worse seeing him act indifferent about it. Since our friends don't know about it I always have to be happy around them, its so exhausting and draining sometimes. Why can't I be indifferent like him goes through my head so many times but I just can't. I told him I am not sure if i still want to be friends and he said he still wants to friends. So, I thought i could try although it will take time (he's made me a better person and I cant forget the times when he made me get through hard time thats why I am so reluctant to let him go) but sometimes sadness just hits me so much that I want him to go away and others I want him to stay. It's so hard to make a decision to keeping or letting him go.

Thank you so much for your lovely words. I think its been hard because I felt like I was never being heard or when I tried talking to someone was kinda told I was wrong. So, I started questioning if I have been in the wrong the whole time.

[therising]

Hi Snaedis

Things definitely sound frustrating. You're an intelligent person who wants to relate to intelligent answers and an intelligent way of managing but you're just not getting any joy from his end.

From what you say, he doesn't like confrontation and perhaps will do anything to avoid it under certain circumstances. Perhaps, if he feels meeting up with you will entail confrontation, he may avoid meeting up with you. If he's comfortable with the circumstances of not discussing that period where there was a change in the relationship, he'll meet up. Sounds like he's dictating the circumstances based on his own comfort zone, as opposed to accepting the challenge you offer - discussing the matter in an open and conscious way.

Personally, my husband has a habit of triggering me to frustration at times. I may feel the need to discuss things in an open and conscious way and sometimes, under the circumstances of him wanting to remain 'at peace', he'll resist discussion. When you want to evolve beyond certain issues, this can be frustrating, hey. I find this is where the concept of appointment and disappointment come in. I no longer appoint my husband the role of 'He who likes to openly discuss a variety of matters'. I appoint him the role of 'He who must manage to accept my decisions based on his lack of input'. I regard myself as a reasonable person, so I always try to make fair decisions based on the information in front of me. The decision to have our daughter leave her job and us pay her way this year, during VCE, was made based on the fact she was mentally and physically running herself into the ground last year, working and studying. My husband wasn't happy about me not discussing this call with him. As I said to him 'If you are going to disappoint yourself from the role of 'He who helps make all significant decisions in the way we raise the kids, I will make reasonable decisions on my own''. He's had a habit of saying to me over the years 'I'll leave it up to you', when I've asked for his input.

We can't face disappointment when we haven't appointed that person a particular role.

So, the question becomes 'What roles are you going to appoint your friend?' Eg:

• He who discusses the issue or stays away
• He who you only care to see under circumstances that suit you
• He who you can only rely on for some basic support and nothing else

What roles can you appoint yourself? Maintaining the role of 'One who seeks reason through questioning' is always good.

🙂