Feeling useless and stuck

[Butterfly20]

I feel so worthless, not good enough, lack confidence, have fear of failing or making wrong decisions, i feel like i am disappointing myself and others all the time. These feelings have been with me since childhood and I am 35 now. Its like this darkness thats always there in the background and just intensifies during difficult times or percieved difficult times. As I am getting older it is more complex and intense. Im aware of thoughts i have, but I find it so hard to dissociate from them. I get so involved that they exhaust me, paralise me and stop me from taking action towards things that matter to me. This then makes me feel even worse because then I just feel pathetic and weak. I just feel like I don’t deserve life since I can’t live and I know as I get older it will only get worse. I even started being forgetful, can’t focus and lost motivation completely.


This is my current situation where the above affect me: Currently I am due to go back to work from Maternity leave in couple of months but I really would prefer to look for another job. I have been working for this employer for almost 10 years and I really feel like I need a change because towards the end I was feeling miserable at work but stuck around due to maternity leave. The factors that are stopping me from looking for another job are: feeling bad that i will let my employer down, thinking I am not good enough/not competent enough, fear of being rejected, thinking someone else will get it anyway, also being indecisive of which path to take because i dont want to wrong decision. Not working for 10 months also did not help my confidence. All of this makes me feel so useless and worthless. I hate being the way I am. I feel that most people have their life figured out by now and seem to be more successful, doing better and coping well with life. I just feel so pathetic and useless, like i am not capeable of living. This current situation has made me so depressed. I’ve been loosing sleep, i lost my appetite, i lost joy in things and i have absolutely no motivation for anything. I attend to my baby and his needs and then clean house when i have energy but thats about it. By end of day i feel so exhausted. I just feel so useless and like a failure.

I feel bad for my son too, I really dont want him to end up like me but how can I teach him things that I can’t figure out myself.

I just dont know what to do. I feel like there is no way out and that i will forever be stuck with being like this.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Butterfly20, welcome to our friendly online community. We are so glad you've taken a courageous step in reaching out and sharing your experience with us. We are so sorry to hear that you are feeling worthless, stuck and overwhelmed by persistent, negative thoughts. We empathise how hard it must be for you to experience these intense feelings while also looking after a newborn. We can hear that you are concerned about any impact on him as well. Please know that you have come to a safe space, free of judgement, and our community is here to help support you through this difficult time. 

It sounds like you may benefit from some extra support which is available to you at our Beyond Blue Support Service. It's available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support and advice to help you through this.

We would also urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline 13 11 14 or Suicide Call Back Service at 1300 659 467 

Please look after yourself and remember you are not alone here. We hope tat you can find some comfort in the words of support and kindness from our wonderful community