Feeling trapped

[bug35]

I've been living with depression most of my life and it seems at this point it is at its worst.

Have been on antidepressants for 20 years. Started having trouble coping with work, a job that was an uncomfortable working environment but was holding it down purely to survive.

I saw the GP and was put on a SNRI antidepressant and instructed to keep taking my original SSRI antidepressant.

Lasted 3 days and could not handle the side effects.

Then tried another SSRI antidepressant, was instructed to stop the original SSRI antidepressant after starting this. Lasted for 1 month on this new one and was getting lots of fatigue, was having trouble staying up after work to do the things I enjoy, if I went to bed early I would wake up feeling worse from over sleeping and frustrated from losing relaxing time. Just seemed to be working and sleeping.

Started to take days off work here and there. Then Decided I had enough of meds and stopped the medication, was sick of living in a foggy state of mind and experiencing fatigue all the time, thought a break from meds would help. Managed to get to day 46 and the withdrawal symptoms seemed to be gone, but my depression worsened and I was taking even more days off work. 

Was referred to a psychologist. In desperation I saw the GP again and was put on a starter dose of another SSRI antidepressant, even on this small dose the side effects were horrible, could not handle it at all. Was starting to have episodes at work where I would feel light headed, could not make decisions and had to sit down for long periods of time, these could have been anxiety attacks. 

I have since left the job as I couldn't cope with it, of course there are going to be problems with paying the bills soon, which is making me worse. Have been seeing a psychiatrist and been put back onto my original SSRI antidepressant gradually, 25mg for 4 days, 50mg for 3 days, now am on 100mg and have been instructed to go up to 200mg after 7 days.

The idea of being put on this one again was the fact that its the most neutral with the least side effects for me.  The psychologist has tried to help me avoid thinking traps and to try and get a proper sleep routine. But I can't seem to get one.

Whats happening now is I cannot stay up a full day, or find things to fill the day as all the things I used to enjoy do nothing for me. Or I get these attacks where I go light headed with strong fatigue/depression/anxiety/fear and cannot stand to be awake. Have tried over the past 2 weeks: walking daily, eating regularly, taking vitamins, trying to keep myself busy but this gloom keeps coming back and making me shut down.

I did have one day there where I stayed up for a full day doing things, but then had trouble sleeping. Since that day my "awake" hours have been reduced down again, more each day, had to take a nap only a few hours after being awake but the last two days I have slept for the majority of the day as a way to escape this horrible feeling. 

Today I got up early and really did have a good shot at it, went for a decent walk, and did some stuff around the house but after just 4 hours of being awake the fatigue and light headed feeling came back. Decided to lay down for an hour but stayed down for 2 hours. When I woke up I was supposed to go and see family but had another one of these attacks and had to lay down again after about 15 minutes.

Have since slept for another 4 hours waking up approx every hour, not being able to get up. Fear is a big factor with these attacks, I get scared of facing the day and even more scared when the attacks happen. 

I just want to be able to stay up for a normal day, have a regular sleeping pattern and be motivated again like I used to be. Have been depressed before but never this bad, this is horrible.

In the past 2 weeks I have had suicidal thoughts most days, but don't have the guts to do it. Feel trapped in this depressive void.   I really feel like I'm sinking into a black hole, desperately trying to claw my way out but nothing is working.

I try and try again but just keep sinking back down. Just had some dinner as I know I have to eat, now have a headache and just don't see the point in doing anything. The only thing I do look forward to is going to sleep again as its not painful like being awake.  

Am at a loss on what else to do.

[Chris_B]

Hi bug35,

When going through episodes, I have found it helpful for my practitioners to be able to contact each other, you can give them permission to do this.  Your GP is prescribing the meds, your psychologist will have more information about your thoughts, feelings, behaviour than your GP will get in a 15-min appointment.

The heavy feelings of sleep and suicidal thoughts could be a reaction to the meds you've started taking, a symptom of your anxiety/depression, or a mix of both, but the main thing is that it's not working.

Can you go back to your GP and explain what's been happening above? Printing out your post and taking it in is something that is often suggested on here as a helpful thing to do to save you having to go over the whole story, and to make sure you don't leave out any important details.

If you give permission for your GP and psych to be able to talk to each other, then your psych can talk to your GP about what you've been explaining in your sessions and that can help guide treatment as well.

Anyone else have some advice?

[bug35]

My GP has just left to go overseas and I won't be able to see him again. I had given permission for him and the psychologist to communicate regarding my condition. So in the meantime I will have to see another GP at the same medical centre. I am not sure if I will be able to see the psychologist again before christmas but am seeing the psychiatrist on thursday to discuss how I am feeling and decide what to do with the medication. I understand that going back onto medication can make things worse for a while so just trying to cope with each day one at a time to see if it eventually helps with my condition. Had similar thoughts and episodes before going back onto the medication.

Its very hard and starting the day is the hardest part, feel horrible. I broke out of my sleeping binge yesterday and managed to stay up for a full day but odd hours so did not end up getting to sleep until the early hours of the morning. Was trying to get a routine sleeping pattern over the past few days but this is very difficult. So am starting again and going to try and go through a full day without fatigue and anxiety making me want to shut down and sleep again. Going to try getting up a little earlier every day to try and form a normal sleeping pattern. First 2 hours of today has been very hard as have been very anxious but I think I'm settling down enough to do some chores around the house and will go from there. Trying not to let my mind scatter and drive me to despair thinking about everything as that is what shuts me down and stops me from doing normal day to day stuff.

[geoff]

dear Bug, it never rains it pours, and that's what happening to you with this medication, so it's a catch-22 position, you need the medication, but you don't want to sleep all day.

When we were talking to Susan yesterday how long had you been up, just saying, because you really helped her so much and she appreciated it. Geoff.

[bug35]

When talking to Susan that was the day I was aiming to stay up for a normal 16 hours and have 8 hours sleep which I managed to do. But today I slept for 11 hours and have woken up in a panic state and fearful of everything. I just could not get out of bed at the 7-8 hour mark and continued to go back to sleep waking up frequently, just could not face the day. So just trying to settle down now and do something with the rest of the day, but I have no idea what to do with myself, everything seems pointless at the moment, my head is aching and my mind won't stop. This has been happening every time I wake up for the past 2 weeks, it doesn't seem to be getting better. Just trying to hang in there with hope it will get better. I have to force myself to do everything and can't seem to find things that interest me to fill the day. I sat down too much yesterday due to lack of motivation and now have a sore back. Doesn't matter what I do there seems to be a problem with everything.