Feeling Nothing

[MIB]

I have been on anti anxiety and depression medication for a long time, stems back to been caught up in the 2011 earth quakes in Christchurch NZ, spending that day finding loved ones in the CBD seeing the building crushed knowing there was lost of life.

five hours of terror, ended with me rescuing my son and wife.

Anyway roll a decade and bit forward, living in Queensland married 38 years, Son living close by and happily married this should be a time when I have positive and grateful grasp on life.

I feel nothing not happy for more than short periods, most of time just an in between void of just getting through. Throw a game face on.

I actually just can’t be bothered and would much rather just curl up and not have to participate.

I am seeing my doctor maybe work on how the drugs mask it would seem me feeling anything. I have regressed back and have a fight or flight, finding hard to trust people. Thought I had that part of me under control, seems not.

[Emotions26]

Hello

That is an incredibly difficult experience for you. 
You sound exhausted

I find my grief very draining 

I have started telling myself that I can stay in bed a little longer as I need rest. Then I find myself just getting up after a short time and starting another day

[mmMekitty]

Hello MIB & welcome

Experiencing the earthquake in Christchurch. Those hours of not knowing if your wife & son were alive, finding them & rescuing them, is so deeply emotional & traumatic.

I'd wondered at times if meds were dampening my emotions too much for me to learn to deal with & accept them. Whethr or not this is true for you, I think it is a good idea to talk with your doctor about how you are feeling.

It seems you might prefer to put yourself aside, exclude yourself from life, 'not participate', as you said, but I wonder, how long would that be useful? Where will you be in a year if you did that? Do you want to see yourself like this or being involved with living your life, yeah, say, a year from now? Never know, you could get back into life sooner.

If you haven't yet, you may well need to find other ways to deal with the memories & feelings of the earthquake experience. Talking to your doctor, saying you need someone to talk to, is what I'd suggest.

& each day, in the morning, make an effort to get up, look out the window, listen to the sounds you hear, breathe deeply a few times, stretch your arms out wide too. Feel the new day.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[james1]

Hello MIB,

That sounds absolutely terrifying to have experienced the earthquakes so directly, and I understand many people suffer from lingering trauma after such difficult situations. I have not personally been through that kind of event but I do understand some of the feelings you describe, particularly around just wanting to curl up and not participate in daily life. 

I hope your doctor can give you a bit of guidance in finding your way forward. It sounds really challenging and, while there may be temporary setbacks, seeking support like you are now is such an important step in getting trauma under control.

Let us know if there's anything at all you'd like to talk about more. We're here for you and to help support you as you find your way forward to the more positive grasp on life that you deserve.

James

[Eagle Ray]

Dear MIB,

I’m really sorry you went through the earthquake and you’ve had the anxiety and depression. I had a housemate who went through it and developed anxiety also. A few years ago I was on a plane in NZ and was chatting with the woman next to me. She described going through a very similar situation to you in the Christchurch earthquake. For one year after she pushed on with life and then it really hit her and she was diagnosed with PTSD.

 I think the numbness you describe is really a normal response to abnormal circumstances. It’s actually how your body survived through the event and sometimes it gets stuck there. I’m wondering if you are still experiencing post traumatic stress.

I’ve done therapeutic work with a psychologist for post traumatic stress. We’ve had a lot of success in clearing specific traumatic incidents with a method called Somatic Experiencing developed by Peter Levine. He has a book called In an Unspoken Voice which explains the physiology of trauma and his method for clearing it. I wanted to do the method but had to try a few practitioners first before I found the right one to work with. Just thought I’d mention it in case it’s of interest to explore.

Your title, Feeling Nothing, made me immediately think of the Bruce Springsteen song Nothing Man. The song describes how a firefighter who went through the twin towers collapse feels afterwards, the strange detachment from life that goes on but everything is different. I’ve found great solace and understanding through Bruce Springsteen songs.

What I have learned is that you can re-integrate after a traumatic event. I still have complex PTSD from childhood experiences, but I’ve managed with the help of a psych to clear specific single incident post traumatic stress. Another method I tried that was helpful was TRE (Trauma Releasing Exercises) developed by David Berceli. Like Somatic Experiencing you are clearing trauma from the body to release chronic freeze and fight-or-flight states. I’ve found these approaches much more successful than just doing talk therapy. You are actively recalibrating and healing the nervous system.