Hi Michael
A warm welcome to you. I'm so glad you came to a place where people can relate to how lonely it can feel in trying to manage depression without a lot of help or without a lot of people in our lives who can really relate to the challenges that can come with it, especially when it comes to how it feels. I imagine there'll be some people who pop in here to offer you support, understanding and maybe even some guidance when it comes to managing.
I think while some people love living on their own, I'd say they're the ones who having managing seriously challenging inner dialogue pretty well worked out. They don't need to be living with people who can help them make sense of things or they don't need to be living with people who can be a welcomed distraction when it comes to breaking up the ongoing inner dialogue, thoughts or torment. For the rest of us, it can be a major challenge and a trigger, living on our own. Before living with a husband and kids, I did not do living on my own terribly well while depression presented a heck of a lot of challenges.
I can understand the compulsion to drink too, as I'm a gal who's an ex drinker. I think when we're a real feeler, someone who's sensitive to everything we feel, alcohol tends to take the edge off the ability to feel or sense so much of what challenges us. When you can feel your thoughts, feel what runs through your imagination, feel what feels heartbreaking in life, feel that really tough feeling of not being able to see the way forward and all that kind of stuff, it's kind of like alcohol can turn the volume down on a lot of that. I found it got to the point where alcohol didn't even work plus I was left feeling a lot of stuff I regretted doing or saying when I'd been drinking. It can be a doubly painful experience, being a drinker who's depressed. I think only people who can relate to that pain can understand it.
I suppose the question comes down to choosing a path, the way forward. If you can imagine being stuck in the middle of multiple paths, each branching out in different directions, it would definitely be handy if each one was obviously posted. A few signposts that come to mind might be 'More support from family and/or friends' if that's possible, or 'Seeing a GP for guidance regarding the way forward' or 'Choosing a path that might be a little outside the square in the way of greater self understanding'. A couple more could involve 'Researching how to manage depression and alcohol and how the 2 work together in the way of chemical reactions (which could help explain some things)' or 'Joining a group of people who have a similar interest to you, in the way of self development or simply a hobby that's been coming to mind a bit lately perhaps'. I'm a realist; while I've had people throughout my life point me in different directions, I couldn't relate to a lot of those directions. I figure, it's not always our fault we can't relate to certain suggestions, sometimes it's a matter of people continuing to come up with suggestions, until they hit on what we can eventually relate to. So hard to see the way forward when everything appears so dark. Do you know anyone who can see for you?
