Feeling like an infection

[Squid1]

Feeling like a big ball of distortion, my body is screaming and punching while my shell is limp and lethargic, everything I tough turns grey and I can’t seem to strip any happiness from anything, I have people that care about me and say things to motivate me but I feel like my inner child is dead just fragmented memories of things I liked or used to like or be, but my soul feels empty I don’t even know who I am.

I want to run away and go off the grid I’ve had a very rough upbringing and I feel safest when something traumatic happens I feel safe with my fight or flight, I feel like a lunatic.

What is the best first step or any advise on why I might feel like this.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Squid,

Welcome to Beyond Blue forums. We’re glad you have reached out here tonight. It's not always easy to do that. Thanks for sharing what you are going through and telling us a little bit about your difficult upbringing. We're sorry to hear you are feeling so unsettled and distressed. You sound like someone with a great deal of self-awareness and we can hear you really want to find integration and a sense of peace and belonging within yourself. These are very positive things. We hope you can find the insights and support from our wonderful community members.

Can we ask if you're seeking any form of counseling, whether it's through your GP, a counselor or psychologist? Or if you've sought this in the past? It can be immensely helpful to talk to a trained professional who can help us navigate our inner world and help us chart a pathway to healing.

There are also counseling options available over the phone, anytime you need them. You can contact Beyond Blue Support Service anytime at 1300 224 636. There is also an online chat option available from 1pm to 12am https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support

You can also reach out to our friends at Lifeline anytime you're feeling overwhelemd at 13 11 14. They also have an online chat option from 12 pm to 2am AEST: https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat/

Please keep posting here to let us know how you're doing, whenever you feel up to it.

[geoff]

Hello Squid, and welcome to the site.

It's really sad, but understandable, why you feel like this, I think at the moment most of us feel like this, someone that's been injured and put into rehab, waiting to be released back into the public.

Remember 'you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink' is an old proverb, but it means exactly what it says, you can't entice anybody to do something when they're not interested, it requires care and understanding and you aren't able to solve any of this by yourself, especially when you have had a rough upbringing because you see the world differently and this needs to be talked about.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[tranzcrybe]

So it sounds like you need to be childish (or more precisely, child-like) to rewrite your upbringing and fill in some of the gaps in your upbringing.
From your comments, I'm not sure if you are dealing with physical impairment, but when was the last time you remember sitting on a swing? - the freedom and elation of such a simple pleasure cannot be bought.
Building sand castles on the beach never gets old, and how about reconnecting with jumping in puddles?
Occasionally dispensing with the 'adult' world can help draw attention back to you. Someone once asked what I hoped to achieve in life. I replied 'To live with the freedoms of a child'. Ironically, this takes quite a bit of work, but opportunities abound in between the constrictions of just surviving day to day.

[yggdrasil]

Hi Squid1,

Thank you so much for your post, I relate to a lot of it. My strategy has been to just start chasing all the "inner child" hobbies I had as a kid or adolescent and see where they end up, and not worry about the embarrassment factor. I started painting Warhammer again and absolutely loving it... There are lots of cheaper alternatives to GW now... I'm even trying to make my own DnD style game. Everyone seems genuinely impressed haha, I think the crippling fear of the "manchild" stigma was mostly in my head.

I also started skate(board)ing again a few years ago. My body isn't what it used to be though, so I wear a helmet every time now (thankfully Andy Anderson has made that cool), and full pads when I'm at the parks/bowls etc (still uncool but no one cares.) It's safer, but still hurts when you fall, and the adrenaline of the whole thing provides the trauma and drama I think my mind and body need because of a similarly rough upbringing. It also just helps break the boring monotony of the day to day.

So I think an "extreme" but controlled outlet for the fight/flight/lunatic urge is a good strategy. I know other guys who do boxing, or mountain bikes for that reason. Skating works for me. I think there's something about the human brain that gets "addicted" to drama and trauma, particularly interpersonal drama, so I've found chanelling and moderating all that with things like skating helpful for being more Zen with other things. Also exercise is just good for mental health and mood overall.

At first chasing the "inner child" stuff may feel hollow and pointless. When you're very depressed it's very normal to lose interest in things you used to like and gravitate to low cost, low risk activities like TV and XBOX (which are fine in moderation.) The strategy I've used is to slowly transition away from over dependence on such things, and towards progressively more challenging "inner child" activities (although I still watch TV and play XBOX aswell!)

I was certainly deeply embarrassed by my adolescent hobbies when I started doing them again. Now I'm having a blast with them all. Things like career have even become less important to me because I've realised I'd rather have the free time to skate, play guitar and paint Orcs. I think having well developed "inner child" hobbies actually helps with career and family etc because you become more "diversified" as a person - e.g. when my science career starts tanking at least I can still paint a sick Hobbit.

[Petal22]

Hi Squid1,

Wellcome to our forums!

Im sorry you are feeling this way.

I understand the feeling of our body feeling like it’s screaming and punching from the inside but on the outside we feel limp and grey and don’t know how to fix the inside so we can feel normal and function again……… I know it’s a hard place to be but it’s a place that you can get better from with the correct help….

I went through a hard mental health condition it was a journey but thanks to the help I received from health professionals I’m now recovered and life couldn’t be better.

Please make an appointment with your gp let you gp know how you are feeling they will understand, you can do a mental health together this will enable you to see a psychologist.

Im here to chat

[therising]

Hi Squid1

I feel so deeply for you as you face this incredibly challenging time in your life, a time of deep and intense questioning and self reflection.

You convey perfectly what depression felt like for me: I have people that care about me and say things to motivate me but I feel like my inner child is dead just fragmented memories of things I liked or used to like or be, but my soul feels empty I don’t even know who I am. Btw, Yggdrasil sounds like a master in resurrecting the inner child and offers sage advice.

When I came out of more than a decade in depression, I had absolutely no idea who I was. I had to search for my true sense of self. Incredibly hard to do (an understatement) when you've got virtually no guidance. So incredibly confusing and, at times, depressing in some ways. Yggdrasil touches on one of the significant challenges - I was certainly deeply embarrassed by my adolescent hobbies when I started doing them again. To find the sense of self who does not care about what others think or say is definitely a part of the challenge. In bringing the child in me back to life, I discovered this sense of self could not fully come back to life without 'the bi*ch' or 'the sage' in me as well. For some years after coming out of depression I began to listen again to all the degrading stuff that was said to me, such as how foolish or weird or stupid I was to be naturally loving the things that were bringing me back to life more and more. So then, as in childhood, I stopped what I loved (which became depressing) until I returned to it all again. This time I did it with the bi*ch and the sage, amongst other aspects of self...

If someone degrades what I love, the bi*ch may pop up, for example - 'So how's life working for you? While you dictate what naturally brings me joy to be foolish and stupid, I want you to wonder why you remain dependent on alcohol to feel or not feel your way through life'. The sage like sense of self is the aspect which dictates 'Don't say it out loud or you're going to burn that bridge' or 'Say it, as the bridge no longer serves you. This bridge is truly depressing'.

Do you feel the lunatic in you may be the equivalent to the bi*ch in me? Do you need to gain a sense of the sage, for balance?

While 'surrection' is defined as 'rising', who or what stops a child from naturally rising? Re-surrection is basically a 2nd chance to naturally rise to meet with who you truly are.

To know thyself is a complex journey 🙂