Feeling hopeless

[_Gigi_]

Hey all. I've been struggling the last few years. I wish I could be happy but I'm only ever stressed or exhausted or miserable or numb. The things I do to try to improve my life only ever seem to backfire and make me regret trying. I'm really sick of putting on a fake happy face and pretending everything is okay when I really just feel like crying. I plan on making an appointment with my GP, but I've been brushed off so many times in the past that I don't have much hope for it. What else can I even do though?

[randomxx]

Hi gigi , and sorry to hear all that but sadly l know how u feel.

Are you married , kids, or relationship?  What are all the stressors and struggles from, work, finances, housing, or something else,  making you exhausted or you just are ?

Went through a lot of yrs like that starting over from divorce. Took on a new place and just worked,slept and watch tv basically, paid lots and lots of bills, it was as depressing as hell for 5yrs or so.

Tbh , although l've been on top of things last few yrs now , and there was someone new but long distance so we hardly saw ea other and with lots of problems since kaput too but really the life side of life things really didn't change much, just existing, a bit less stressed these days is all.

life itself there still isn't much of that. l know it's time l made happiness a real priority , or what's the point but with what l have to work with ldk how.

Haven't made any friends at all where l moved to, pretty well alone, l try to get out and about even if only one day of a wkend or something , but it just feels pretty pointless really alone and tbh , doesn't really make me feel much better apart from just getting out and away for the day, still come home empty.

ldk. Same with a hobby or something.

ldk.

rx

[therising]

Hi _Gigi_

Life can feel so incredibly hard at times with such a trial and error process when it comes to mastering it. Sometimes there just feels like there's far more error than success at times and that's something that can really be felt in a lot of ways. Mentally you can feel it at times, physically (in the way of internal chemistry and processes) you can feel it and I've found it can even be felt on some soulful level. With no instruction manual when it comes to feeling our way through life, the challenge becomes about writing it as we go, while figuring out what works and what doesn't, as well as all the positive and negative triggers. To say it can be hard work is an understatement.

In regard to that manual, I'd include an entire volume on 'Energy', as it's a significant key factor in life and function. Without enough of it (energy), life's an entirely different experience. Personally, one of my major triggers for depression is a depressing lack of energy. Not talking about a slight lack or a significant lack, it's a depressing lack. If feeling plenty of energy run through us is the feeling of life running through us, next to no energy definitely has a feel to it and it's not at all nice.

While a depressing lack of energy can point to who or what drains us (such as stress, internal dialogue, overwork etc), it can also point to what chemical reactions aren't happening in our body. Can definitely feel plenty of dopamine and can also feel when there's next to none. While I can't feel my B12 levels, I can definitely feel when they're low to the point where it's depressing. A serious lack of good quality sleep also has a definite feel to it as well. Long list of chemical factors but I think a basic start can come down to blood tests in some cases. Can't hurt to ask your GP. Energy input is an important one too. 'Am I taking in enough oxygen or is my breathing an issue, such as with shallow breathing under stress? What's the chemical energy like in the food I'm eating? Am I consuming enough hydro power (H20) in order to energise every cell in my body?' and the list goes on.

In that volume on energy, there'd be a section on 'The perfect recipe'. There would have to be hundreds of recipes, not just one. There'd be the perfect recipe for 'Self questioning/Self development'. The perfect recipe for 'Finding the best meditation under the circumstances'. The best recipe for 'Finding the inner sage' etc. While no 2 people are the same, the best recipe simply includes the basic ingredients before tweaking that recipe to taste. Take self questioning/self development for example. Start with a dash of curiosity, add a hint of open mindedness, throw in an ounce of self compassion (while trying so hard to work things out). Then add some wonder, which can sound like 'I wonder why I feel so exhausted' as opposed to 'What's 'wrong' with me, why am I so 'broken'?'. Stir in a bit of the seeker or detective in you (that thrives on clues) and season to taste with whatever else works. If need be, find a 'master chef' (aka an expert guide). Sometimes we can't produce the best results on our own. Different circumstances require different recipes, which can help explain why what's worked before doesn't work under the circumstances we now face. Btw, it's a GP's job to be a good detective. Finding one that's determined to solve a mystery is absolutely key. I've had a few who I've paid to tell me 'Oh, this is just a normal part of life (case closed)'. So tempting to say 'You know, I could have got that 'advice' for free'. Pays to be your own detective at times.

[randomxx]

To me in a way annualizing your thing is the easy part bc there's basically only 2 reasons why we can feel this way.

lt's either life and whatever rut or situation your in and whatever parts of all that is the culprit . Could be your relationship or parts of it, no one close, rut, financially, work, no life , and on and on.

Or, you have depression. Some people have everything and love everything and everyone in their life but they still feel this way. So either something or someone in all that is still causing it even if your not actually seeing it yourself or can't quite pin it down, or you have depression.

So for me l suppose in a way l'm lucky bc l know exactly why l'm feeling the ways l am, and l knew back through the later parts of my marriage too although both situations and causes are different as compared to now of course.

But for me atm and of this last long while, it's life, my life.

Weirdly at times even then though , if only for short periods, glimpses but at least they're that, l'm almost grinning from ear to ear, but they're very short lived. They come in from at least smelling the roses now and making sure l always take the time to appreciate them no matter how simple. Whether it be the morning sun, the river and how beautiful it's looking, hitting bed of a night, nothin like it if you love your bed- built mine myself haha. Could be coming home tired as hell and not having to explain myself to anyone and just doing exactly what l feel like from there, could be chuckling at watching some birds outside just be birds, seeing my daughter or the v few someone else's in my life, a song,music or kickin back to a movie and living it up with some nice food , my morning coffees, who knows, anything.

But they do at least help a lot and l'm always grateful that l turned in life a few yrs back and made smelling those roses no matter what, priority one.

lt's back to the real world later, mine anyway , l know , buttttt, at least l've been sure to enjoy whatever it was no matter how small, and it helps.

The problem is not the medication or seeing a doctor. Its the life that's the problem  and that's the part l don't know how to fix, well, still lookin you could say.

rx

[_Gigi_]

Hi randomxx and therising,

Thanks so much for your replies. You both make very good points. The main things I've been stressing about lately are work and some chronic health problems (though mainly the latter). I really wish I knew how to get enough energy to help me through my day but my sleep is constantly interrupted by nightmares, and due to my health problems eating can often be a very painful experience. It's caused me so much anxiety around food and it's exhausting. 

I suppose life isn't all bad though. There are a few good moments, when I can sit in the fresh air somewhere quiet and calm and just stare out into the distance. Especially if it has a nice view. Things have been far too busy for that lately but maybe I should make some time for it. 🙂

[therising]

Hi _Gigi_

My heart goes out to you, as I feel so deeply for you. To have eating and sleep as both being such dreadful experiences for you, I can only imagine dreading both to the understandable degrees in which you do.

While I'm lucky to be able to manage the disrupting nature of sleep apnea and therefor my energy levels, I'm not led to have to manage regular nightmares. Such an incredibly horrible and torturous experience for a person to have to face. No wonder you're so exhausted. I imagine regular nightmares share some of the exhausting traits of sleep apnea, impacting the nervous system, vascular system and other energy systems within the body. Experiencing exhausting levels of hyperactivity during what's meant to be a state of rest can have terrible side effects. Wondering if you've worked out what the nightmares are about, whether they're random or telling ones. I have a habit of analysing the hell out of my nightmares, while relying on them to tell me something about my self, my life and my struggles. While it's not something I do myself, some people keep a dream journal, so as to analyse and make greater sense of their dreams while in a more conscious state.

While occasional painful acid reflux is not enough to lead me to dread eating, I again feel for you so much as the side effects of eating lead you to feel little joy, if any. I imagine you see a specialist who's perhaps led you to understand why eating can be such a painful experience. Of course, knowing the reasons for something isn't enough sometimes. Sometimes solutions are the only things that can make a positive difference. I wish someone could offer you solutions to both the nightmares and the pain in relation to eating.

The fact that you can find the good in life, says a lot about you. Finding the good in life can be a far from easy thing to do when we're not in a good place. Can be a massive challenge at times, especially when inner dialogue isn't encouraging that kind of perception. When I mention depressing levels of low energy being a trigger for me, challenging inner dialogue is another in my top 5, regarding triggers for depression. I think no one understands how dark the dialogue can get at times unless they can relate to it, having experienced it for themself. _Gigi_, I'm so glad you've come here to express yourself, your challenges and struggles and your need to find a difference. It's my wish for you that you find some difference here.

[_Gigi_]

Hi therising,

Thanks once again for replying; I really appreciate it. You brought up the idea of keeping a dream journal, which I think I'll try. I already do a bit of journaling, but maybe writing about the dreams specifically will help. I've tried to analyse them, and I like to think I've been successful at interpreting a few, but others I can't seem to make heads nor tails of. 

These forums have helped me a lot lately, which I am endlessly grateful for. It's made me feel a little less alone, and loneliness is something I've been struggling with quite a bit. I can only hope that one day I'll be able to help someone else the way everyone here has helped me. I still have my bad days, today being one of them, but hope may yet be on the horizon.

[randomxx]

Hi there gigi.

loneliness is a terrible thing for sure , seems so common these days too. And night mares , hatem of course. early this yrs l had to sleep with the TV and lights on all night for 5mths bc if l fell asleep l'd nightmare. Turned out to be a new coffee l'd been using bringing out my stresses and when l swapped back to my old coffee it all stopped.

l'm sorry about the health things also, could sleeping pills help ?l couldn't risk taking them when l was nightmarish but have used them a bit since not often though but when desperate and they mellowed me right down.

l'm no expert but does sound like in your case a good doctor could  be worthwhile mind you l guess your already seeing someone buttt.

Distances and views are so beautiful aren't they, natures medicine. lt was  ridiculous that l'd spent half my life around them before but never took the time to truly appreciate them.

Anyway, good luck with everything.

rx

[therising]

Hi _Gigi_

The brain has such a cryptic way of conveying things, that's for sure. Would be so much easier if we woke up from a dream or nightmare thinking 'Well that was perfectly clear. So glad such clarity came to mind while I was sleeping'. Instead, it's like you gotta interpret every little detail from what feels like one seriously long and intricate story that can make very little sense at times. When I think about it, most of my seriously long stories (nightmares) pretty much come down to the same things - fear, lack of trust in myself, inability to manage and everything going wrong. Apart from the 'everything going wrong' part, I suppose the other stuff does play out in my mind during my conscious hours throughout the day, in one way or another. I suppose, come to think of it, I don't really experience any of those kinds of dreams when I'm feeling fearless in my life or when I'm feeling capable and I find myself managing well. I thank you for raising me to become more conscious. I'd never considered before what all my nightmares have in common. It was more so about interpreting them individually, as opposed to collectively. I thank you for raising a subject that requires consideration.❤️

Loneliness can be a strange thing, a strange sense. It's like you can still sense it in a room full of people, just as you can sense it when on your own. If I had to identify that sense, I'd say it's about sensing a lack of people to relate to. If we weren't so sensitive we wouldn't be able to feel loneliness or feel a lack of what we need.

[_Gigi_]

Hi randomxx and therising,

I hadn't considered sleeping pills to help with the nightmares before, but I think it would be worth asking my GP about. While a lot of my nightmares are random and new every night, I do have a significant number of reoccurring ones. therising, when you mentioned some of the things your nightmares are about, I could definitely relate, especially to the 'everything going wrong' one. Another big one for me is being abandoned or stranded somewhere. Logically I know this won't happen, but it's still often in the back of my mind.

I'm sorry you both have had struggles with nightmares as well. I know how awful and draining they can be. It was a fight to drag myself out of bed this morning because I was absolutely exhausted- more so than I was when I went to sleep in the first place. randomxx, you mentioned that it was your new coffee that was exacerbating the nightmares. It didn't really occur to me before that certain foods/drinks could affect sleep that way, but now that I think about it it makes a lot of sense. Maybe looking for patterns in my routine and trying different things could help.

Also, your description of loneliness was very accurate, therising. It doesn't necessarily matter how many people are around; I still feel like I'm by myself. The people around me mean well, but they don't exactly understand the problems I've been facing and why certain solutions won't work. They try their best, but a lot of the time it just makes me feel more isolated.