Feeling anxiety & not worthy of a relationship

[lochness46]

I was browsing FB & I came across my ex partner, sons father's FB profile. I saw that it said that he was in a relationship now. I saw her, the new girlfriend. comment that they had been together for about 20months. I dont know how to feel about this, Im flipping back & forth from feeling sorry for her, & that shes an complete & utter fool for being wit him, because hes a complete & utter narcissist. To then feel envious, of that fact that he has a relationship & I dont. Im definetly not wanting him back, Im more so envious of that fact that he has someone now & that Im am to scared to even open myself up to the possibility of a relationship after a decade of being single. He created so much trauma & post trauamtic stress, that im still even dreaming about him, which I did last night. It then prompted me to search to seard for his profile to then discover that he was in a relationship I dont have any contact with him & I havent had any contact with him for many years, as also our son, & he pays $35 a months for Child Support, Except I was just recently contacted through Child Protective Services & he made a claim of neglect of my son, which is utter rubbish, he just reported me out of vindictiveness & has done this in the past. I REALLY feel like Im damaged goods, & he just moves on to the next person with no consequences of his pass actions with his relationships. How would you deal with & feel about this if this was you?? I dont feel worthy fullstop 😞

[Emmen]

Dear lochness46,

You are not damaged goods.

It's the worst feeling when you find that an ex has managed to get into a seemingly "better" situation than you're in. I guess it boils down to how we tend to compare ourselves with others, and how it hurts more when those we have marked as "worse" than us get what we would have liked to get for ourselves.

Your ex is out of your life and the best thing you could do for yourself is to let him get out completely. He doesn't sound like someone you need in your life - someone that vindictive is not going to bring any joy to your life. You gain nothing by keeping up with his life, especially after 10 years.

I understand that you can't help the dreams, you can't help memories of that trauma coming back to haunt you. But perhaps it's better to refrain from searching him up on Facebook after that. If you're still struggling with the trauma and PTSD now, I'd also suggest you see a counsellor to help you move on.

The bottom line is this. You are not damaged goods. Someone has made you feel this way and he had no right to do that to you. You need to get your life and self-worth back. It's terrifying opening up again after a decade of being single, but maybe that's something you should work towards. It may help you get your self-esteem back, to make you feel fulfilled in your own life and less affected by his actions. You owe it to yourself, because you're worth more than you think.

Kindly,
M

[lochness46]

Thread Living with BPD & the narcissist ex moves on... So why does my narcissist, emotional & physically abusive ex get to move on, pretending to be a great guy, giving this new woman a heart rings & not giving me anything while we were togther. Creating selfies & photos of them on the beach with the caption "love"on the photo. Vomit!! All the the while Im still dealing with the trauma, the pain, the intense hurt & stil trying to "fix"myself within the last 12 years!!! I hate my life & that I now live with Borderline Personlaity Disorder & having to deal with this stupid disorder Ive now developed. LIFE REALLY ISNT FAIR!!

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi there

I want to validate your feelings, because I'm struggling with the same thing myself. I feel that unless people have experienced it for themselves they don't really understand what a mess it makes of you. And you're right - it's absolutely not fair. I want to tell you that you didn't deserve any of it, and I'm really sorry that it happened to you. I wish I had something helpful to offer, but if you want to talk more, I'm happy to listen. Sometimes sharing makes things less painful.

Katy

[geoff]

Hello Lochness, if he has contacted Child Protective Services previously and failed then this may precisely happen again, so he's only trying to mess with your life, as he probably has no idea what you do doing the day, so I wouldn't worry at all.

I know that it's always tempting to find out what our previous partner/spouse is now doing and if they have a new partner, but all this does is cause anguish, disappointment and probably regret, simply because we have no idea of the situation they're in or even who is in control, so to compare it to how it was when you were together is unreasonable, people change either for the better or the worse, all you know is that you weren't suitable.

Your past 10 years has been to look after your son, that takes an enormous job, whereas he only pays you $35 a month, a complete difference, so to find someone now, hasn't been easy, but it will come, there's no book saying that you should have someone else now.

Take your time and forget about looking for him on any social forum, it's not worth upsetting you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[lochness46]

Thank You Katy, your comments mean alot ❤️