Feeling alone

[Pr1964]

Hi there, 

I’ve been struggling for a while with feeling like I have no one to that’s truly there for me that I can open up to. I work casually in hospitality so my hours are super sporadic, making it hard to organise things with people working 9-5. Over time, I’ve lost connections with my close friends, and my only time with people is often having drinks after work with coworkers. This is good to a degree, however I lack a true connection to anyone in my life, longing for someone that genuinely cares about me and I can be my true self around. 

How can I get out of this rut? 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Pr1964,

Welcome and it’s great you have reached out for support. I can somewhat relate to your post as over recent years I have become more isolated than ever in that I just don’t go out now and spend almost all days alone. Multiple people in my life have passed away. I have a couple of very meaningful friends in the city but I am in a country town and only see them sporadically.

Something that could help in making connections could be something like joining a Meetup Group. It’s an online platform covering a vast range of interests and activities and you can look for a group that suits you. I did join some such groups when I was in the city and think I would be doing that again if I was there. But my small town doesn’t have such groups. I feel a bit of a misfit here too and it’s probably not meant to be my long term home.

Do you have any hobbies or particular interests? If there’s something you’re passionate about, finding like-minded people through groups or clubs may be helpful. It could be anything from a book club, a choir, art classes, casual sport etc. You may find certain groups gel with you and others don’t, but there may be a chance of making a good friend.

All I can say is I really hear you and I’ve had that feeling of having no one to open up to. My couple of good friends I share a bit with but I tend to hold back as I’m aware of their own life challenges and don’t want to burden them. I don’t know if you feel like that too in terms of sharing with others?

I have made some connections on online platforms that have been very supportive including a friend who has complex ptsd like me, and that has been incredibly helpful. From my own experience, when you have shared and similar experiences with others it is easier to connect and have a meaningful friendship with mutual support and understanding. Bit by bit I think you can start to feel connected again. It can take time but go gently and be kind to yourself.

Happy to chat further if you want to,

Eagle Ray

[ABC01]

Dear Pr1964,

I too have this question.

I guess it depends on what age group you fall into. There are more social groups for over 55+,then for younger people. I do like the idea of Meetup, but question my safety and having to go by myself. And how to get there if they are at night-time.

I guess I have to say yes, rather then no more.

I have no friends at all. My high school friends, quickly fell away and work colleagues, were just that. I have isolated myself for nearly 2 decades due to severe anxiety. I don't say this for sympathy, rather just to explain that many people are in your situation.

I think your question is one alot of people ask. We crave connection and loneliness is prevalent, although alot of people may not recognize or identify themselves as.

I will follow your post to see what kind of options people come up with. And hoping one suits you.

ABC01

[Eagle Ray]

Hi ABC01,

I just thought I’d mention that I have seen Meetup Groups for things like social anxiety, so it may be possible to experience meeting people who have been through similar things to yourself. I’m sure the groups vary as to how well they work so it may or may not be something that could work out. I know many of them do meet in the day. The ones I went to were day events and some included going out to lunch. I went to ones associated with neurodivergence as I’m on the neurodivergent spectrum myself and it was enriching and interesting to meet the people I met.

I’m happy to hear too of anyone else’s suggestions on this topic.

Eagle Ray 

[ABC01]

Dear Eagle Ray,

Thank you for that. I did look at Meetup and all I could find was bar events and such. I will take a deeper look. It sounds nice to have meet up with like minded people or at least people you don’t have to explain so much too. I would love to find something during the day. I would feel less out of my comfort zone then.

ABC01

[Eagle Ray]

Dear ABC01,

It may depend where you are. I found in the city there were quite a wide range of groups. But looking at a large regional town about an hour and a half from me I can see there are far fewer Meetup group options there. More the kind of bar things you mention.

I totally agree about finding people you can relate to. It is a relief when you don’t have to explain so much and you’re on the same page, or at least a similar page.

ER

[ABC01]

Dear Eagle Ray,

I did actually find some anxiety ect, support groups on Meetup and some of them can be online on zoom. So I am tentatively going to try them and see if they are my thing. Saying Yes instead of No, may just be how I find a direction out of how I am feeling and the loneliness that is attached. Like minded people maybe the key. Or at least the solidarity may be the boost that I need.

How are you going Eagle Ray? I have noticed I talk alot about myself. So how are you?

And Pr1964. How are you?

Thank-you,

ABC01

[Eagle Ray]

Dear ABC01 and Pr1964,

That’s great ABC01 that you found those groups. Of course if they don’t feel right for you there is no obligation to continue, but just beginning to reach out and connect is a start. I think any positive human contact is helpful and the more we have of it, it begins to insulate us against loneliness and isolation. And like you say solidarity can really provide a boost.

I’m going ok thank you but have some health struggles that are quite difficult and also currently trying to get a sense of whether I should move back to the city. I feel torn at the moment but it should become clearer in time. I have experienced a lot of feeling socially isolated here in this town and found it hard to break out of that. I do feel like I need more opportunities for connection.

Pr1964, the more I reflect on your post, the more I realise that when I follow things close to my own heart and values, that’s when opportunities seem to open up to connect with other people with similar natures and values. I think knowing yourself is often the beginning of meaningful connections with others. As you gain a more solid sense of who you are and what you care about, I think it often then becomes clearer how to connect with others where there is warmth and shared understanding.

I know for me I do need to engage in a few more activities with other people who are like-minded. Perhaps people who love photography and enjoy spending time in nature like me. I do find it hard to reach out of myself at times but I think it’s a case of going gently and just feeling into situations as to whether they feel right. I think connecting with people with shared values and similar experiences does increase the potential to be with people you can truly be yourself around.

I hope you feel welcome to chat here if you want to.

Take care and kind support to you both,

ER

[ABC01]

Dear Eagle Ray,

I am sorry to hear about your health struggles. They can be overwhelming and hard to navigate. I am sure you know what you are doing and looking after yourself in regards to these health issues. Please be kind to yourself if you are alone through them. It is always hard deciding whether to stay or go,but you will make the decision that is right for you in the end. Even if it isn’t the city,but maybe another town or suburb closer to the city. Perhaps you can start your own group for photography in nature.

You are right about feeling comfortable and right in all situations. I especially like your comments about insulation in company. It invokes warmth. Warmth is a great feeling.

Thank you,

ABC01

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you for your kind words ABC01.

I wish you the best in making some meaningful connections. I think listen in to your intuition about people and situations that feel right for you, where you can freely be yourself. I have found when I’m with the right people there is an ease and I always feel better after spending time with them. 

Warm hugs,

Eagle Ray