Feel like im losing it

[J83]

Hi, I suffer from BPD and 7 months ago my fiancee had an affair and left myself and our daughter who is 19 months, I wanted to sort things out but he no longer loves me. He chased me for so long, adored me, I was his everything and I felt so safe. Then he just left after 3 years and I simply cannot get through it. I'm drowning in depression, feeling worthless, I feel like everyone including my daughter would be better off if I wasn't here. I have been suffering from back issues and have had several surgeries to correct it so I can't do much and play with my daughter or go out etc, I'm sick of the pain and pain meds, I'm sick of looking terrible, feeling terrible, I am just barely holding on. I've had to take unpaid leave from my job since my back issues so I feel even more useless because I'm not working and finances are tight. I'm so stressed, I cry every night missing the love of my life, I don't know how to cope without him, or how to move forward as we co parent. I'm not strong enough to cut him out of my life and I don't want that for our daughter. My heart is literally broken, if I wasn't so awful, ugly, or if I was prettier and thinner he might have stayed. I put on a brave face for everyone else but I've been in bed for days now just crying and thinking how much I just want and need all of this pain and suffering to end. I know BPD can increase emotions incredibly and I'm not sure how to handle a break up whilst suffering from a mental illness. I have stopped seeing friends as I hate that they are happily married and have wonderful lives, and I'm a single mum with nothing going for her. I just don't think I can survive this. It's been a while and any "normal" person would have started to move forward now but I am too broken, defeated and exhausted to keep going. Can anyone give any advice or have been through something similar? Xx

[Soberlicious96]

Dear J83,

I want to say that perhaps part of the issue in feeling that you are not coping, is that you have put a 'time limit' on how long it 'should' be taking you to 'move forward by now'. Grief, no matter what the situation that has caused it, I think, does not have a specific time limit.

I too had a fiance that cheated on me. And even though we got back together for a while, he didn't really change, and I got hurt all over again. It took me a long time to move forward and learn to adjust to a life that was different to how I thought it would be.

Perhaps it could be more helpful to tell yourself something more positive like "I may not be feeling better just yet, but I WILL feel better in time, maybe even sometime soon." Also, telling yourself that you 'look terrible' is also quite unhelpful. You wouldn't say those things to your friends and family, I'm guessing? So please, try to be more gentle with yourself.

Maybe also, if you're not already, you could get yourself some face-to-face counseling? Find someone whom you can talk things through with.

And who knows, these three days of crying maybe the start of the turning point you are looking for ..... this could well be the worst of it, and the next bit could well be the beginning of the onwards and upwards part!

Either way, I do hope that you start to seek and/or find some hope in this next chapter of this unplanned part of your life.

Take care. I'll be thinking of you. Here for you 24/7. xo

[J83]

Thank you for your advice and reply, I think when I'm in this headspace I am lost in a fog and can't see past today, I take it hour by hour. Thank you for taking time out for me x

[Soberlicious96]

That's what we're here for; to take the time to help.

And yes, taking it hour by hour is good. It takes the pressure off. No point worrying about something that isn't here; tomorrow. Today is all that any one of us has, and today is the only day that we can use to deal with what's happening in our world's.

I know that every time I've been in emotional pain, my head will always 'default' to the negative, telling me that tomorrow, and every day after that is going to be awful. But that's just fear talking. And what does fear know anyway? Fear has no fact to back it up.

Anyway, hope you start to feel a bit better and stronger soon. Take care. xo