Feel like I am not an Adult

[ABC01]

Dear All,

I am dealing with grief at the moment and it has made me face mortality and what that actually means. I am still working through that,but one thing has become crystal clear.

 I have always felt like I have been stuck at 16. Things happened as a teenager and I wasn’t able to be your run of the mill teenager. As an adult I have faced many mental health challenges due to this. Mainly not feeling like an adequate “adult”. I have not been able to leave home, partly due to being a carer and partly because I couldn’t afford it. I can’t hold down a job due to my illness and never found a partner in life.

I feel like a burden to my family who provide the roof over my head. But they are getting on in years and I know I can’t keep pushing these thoughts and realities aside as I have been able to do in the past. Or hoping they will just resolve themselves with time. They haven’t. The years do go by too fast. I am lost. I don’t know how to be an independent adult. I don’t have learned experience. I am scared that the time will come and I still won’t be ready to be an independent person. I don’t want to be a burden on any other member of my family. And when the times comes, I can’t stay where I live. It isn’t mine to keep. It makes me feel sick to my stomach with fear. I need help or direction. I don’t want to have to keep confronting these issues. I don’t know how people “do”, being a responsible adult. Especially in today’s world where things are alot more limited than when I younger.

Thank you for listening.

ABC01

[Eagle Ray]

Hi ABC01 and wave to Tranzcrybe,

ABC01, one thing I have learned about grief is allowing myself to feel the emotions without bracing against them, so to speak, and it is that allowing of feeling that releases some of the intensity. This is something my psychologist has helped me with over time. She has been a witness for me and I have been able to cry in her presence, something I’ve never really had support for in my life in relation to any grief I’ve been through. I’m wondering if it would help you to just have a session with your psych that is not trying to solve anything or cognitively work through anything, but just simply be with the grief in their empathetic presence? I know for me anyway the grief I’ve been experiencing only began to shift once I allowed myself to simply be with it in the presence of a kind other who could hold space for me. The grief is still there but it is less solid and more fluid. Where there is movement with grief, a process of healing is underway. Yes, it can be a long process, but that is the nature of grief.

A lot of people in my life, both family and friends, died in the last decade. But it was my mother’s death that was the hardest for reasons I won’t try to fully explain here. I felt like this grief was never going to budge at all. Like you, I felt like I was in a kind of daily torture. It’s taken me nearly 3 years to feel a shift, but that shift is something I can well and truly feel now. So in relation to your title: “Will I ever feel normal again?”, you will get to a point where things start to normalise. Things won’t go back to exactly how they were before. We are always changed by grief. But a new normal does begin to establish. It requires gentle patience and it really helps to learn to sit with grief, ideally with a compassionate other who can hold space for you.

I don’t know if you’ve heard of “the window of tolerance” in psychology but it may be worth looking it up and having a read about it. Often things like stress, trauma and grief reduce our ability to cope with emotional stimuli and we get overwhelmed. Essentially our window of tolerance gets smaller. Something you could perhaps work on with your psych is how to gently expand that window of tolerance over time so that you learn ways to be with difficult emotions. I have found that because my psychologist has allowed and encouraged me to feel in her presence, I have learned much better how to sit and be with those feelings and emotions. I am then able to extend and implement this being with feelings and emotions into my everyday life when they arise.

I feel these skills are also relevant to the topic you bring up about wanting to feel more adult. I did not grow up in an environment where emotions were handled well at all, so I am learning these skills latently for a lack of guidance and healthy modelling of emotions in my childhood environment. I don’t know what things were like for you growing up, but I do know that learning to emotionally self-regulate is part of becoming a mature adult. So you may even find that in your grief you find the very growth that encourages you forward into more adult ways of being.

Tranzcrybe mentions the possibility of security following trauma becoming kind of fused with a pattern of dependency. I think unconsciously we can cling to certain security blankets all the more tightly when trauma arises and it feels the stakes are higher in our vulnerability. With the loss of my mother I have had to learn to prise myself from my lifelong pattern of being her carer (a role that started for me age 5). I was essentially still stuck in a co-dependent relationship with her, even after she died! Although I moved out of home in my 20s I was still trying to rescue her to the end. Finally I am learning to extricate myself from that co-dependency. So it might be worth considering any dependent patterns you can see in your own life and realise that it gets to a point where you need to release yourself and find new ways. It’s important to be really gentle and nurturing with yourself in this process. It’s not about being hard on yourself but just allowing your heart to open to new possibilities and ways of experiencing the world.

There is much depth, wisdom and insight in you ABC01, and a lot of love and compassion. You have wonderful qualities and much to give through who you are.

Hugs,

ER

[quirkywords]

ABCO1

I am sending you a supportive hug.

I have been an adult for nearly 50 years and I often feel like an imposter and whether I will ever grow up!!!
I have big emotions and can cry easily. 
I try not to compare myself to others.

You write supportive posts to me and others so I see you as mature and thoughtful. 

[ABC01]

Dear Quirky Words, Eagle Ray and Tranzcrybe,

Thank you for all your replies and words of wisdom.

It is becoming apparent that dependency may be an issue as well as independent life skills/experience. I must admit, I am digging my heels in a bit to do the scary things that is required to make small steps. I want them, but at the same time, I am too scared to be alone. I know the point is to be independent and that means being on my own two feet, but depending on my headspace day by day, I can be begging for it or pushing it away entirely.

The dependency IS an issue. I am not great at letting go. I know, I may be able to take along people with me as I become independent, however it feels in my mind that I have to separate myself entirely from them, to be independent or break off co-dependency. And that is scary. I have talked to my mental health professionals, and they think my parents will have a harder time then I would, if I leave the nest. They don't deal with things well and can often not talk to me for long lengths of time if I do something that is offensive to them or not in their point of view. One parent is for me becoming independent and the other says wait until they die. Unfortunately, the one who says wait until they die is the most critical on my moves. Criticism knocks me flat on by behind every time and the next running start to try anything again, takes time to happen again. It always has.

Thank you for your support of me on others posts. It is easy for me to show kindness to others, but not to show the same to myself. It can also be a distraction to help others and get me out of my own mind.

I know grief is hard and it is a day by day experience. But when you add my other mental health disorders into the mix, it can feel so suffocating and like it will never end. And when the one you have lost, used to be the thing to help you the most in these exact moments, it is equally hard to cope and try to find other avenues that become your release.

Thank you all for your advice. I hope it wasn't too confusing throwing a new post into this thread.

ABC01

[Eagle Ray]

Dear ABC01,

What you describe with a parent wanting you to be there until they die, that is not really a healthy perspective coming from a parent. It sounds like they have a dependency pattern with you and perhaps this is a parent you are in a care role with? When parents are coming from a healthy place themselves they want their kids to fully individuate - to become their own person leading their own independent life. As we become an adult we are meant to go out in the world, have new experiences and form new relationships. I think it is worth considering whose best interests are being served by the idea of you staying there until the end of that parent's life.

Having coming out of a situation where I became my mother's carer aged 5 and then was still trying to help and heal her when she died (when I was 45), I can see how it ate up so much of my life and I was never free to be fully myself. Ironically my mother in some ways wanted to see me fully living my own life but at the same time clung to me as her support person. I was definitely parentified by her. The day before I moved out of home she was screaming at me over something incredibly trivial. It made it so clear to me I was doing the right thing by myself by leaving. But even after leaving I was in some ways still bound by the patterns ingrained from early childhood. I’m only really extricating myself from those patterns more effectively in the last few years.

I don’t know the specific dynamics of your situation, but it does sound like making moves towards individuating and making your own life would be really good for you. The input from mental health professionals that your parents may have a harder time with you becoming independent than you will, sounds like it could be quite insightful.

I think one of the challenges will be how not to repeat co-dependent patterns in future relationships. That is something I unconsciously fell into and I ended up with highly clingy and demanding friends who expected me to always meet their needs, and I fell into the trap of thinking that was my job to always be responsive to them. So I would say that as you venture into the world and meet new people, take care not to repeat co-dependent patterns. Look for genuine relationships with people who can see you for you, not you as a tool to serve them. It’s like learning a new language in a way.

Part of that includes beginning to see and respect yourself as a separate person with your own preferences. In this way you can start to become more immune to the criticism of others too. When you are still in the family fold and subject to criticism of your life choices it can be very stifling and restricting. I do wonder if just small steps to begin with, such as housesitting for a few weeks, would at least give you a taste of freedom, so to speak. You are going about your days without having to answer to anyone and you can begin to feel what independence feels like.

There is a book I’ve wanted to read but haven’t got to yet. It’s called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson. It might have some info that helps you see and understand patterns with your own parents. Your parents not speaking to you if you do something not aligning with their perspective is an immature emotional response. It’s a form of passive aggression and a sign that they are not fully adult within themselves. Mature adults will communicate with openness and a genuine desire to understand the other person’s point of view.

I know it’s so difficult right now with the grief you’re experiencing. But I also wonder if new experiences may have a healing effect, acting as a bit of a circuit breaker. I know it’s so hard when your loved one was your support. But there are many more loving beings out there in the world and opportunities for new connections. As I get older I’m learning connection is really the meaning of life. It’s what it’s all about and makes us whole.

Take good care ABC01. You are worth it.

ER

[ABC01]

Dear Eagle Ray,

Your response was quite insightful and interesting as we have never met in person. Accurate,except the parent with the dependency pattern is not the parent I have been the carer of, but the dedicated carer parent/partner.  I can understand in a way that they would be alone, with the full burden of care,if I weren’t here. I shouldn’t say burden. But the full force of everything would be upon them. I have been the peacekeeper role all my life. I know they too can get professional help if they are overwhelmed,but they don’t. I almost feel guilty to let them suffer. But I do identify this as a way to keep me here.

However I do need to throw more circuit breakers into the mix. And challenge myself slowly. It is hard though. If I have a day at home, I sit in uncomfortable emotions all day at a specific level,but by the end of the day, I am tired but used to the discomfort that I am “calm”. But if I leave the house and do activities that take up time and my attention, when I get home and stop, all my emotions flood back with intensity. I feel panic in my stomach and tears at the bottom of my throat threatening to come out. And that is distressing. So I really don’t know what is better? I understand exposure equals a greater tolerance. But I am on edge most of the time and very little will topple me over.

I understand that parents should raise you, preparing you to leave and encouraging you to be on your own two feet. However I raised myself since 12. One parent had two jobs to keep a roof over our heads, food on the table, school uniforms ect. We just scraped by on that. The other parent was too ill to have a job. I looked after them more. I took on their role within the household,shopping,cooking,cleaning. Nobody emotionally raised me. There were no extended family or really good adult friends to my parents, to which I could lean on. I had to do that myself. And whilst I can congratulate myself on what I got right, I got a lot wrong and as an adult, have to backtrack and try to fix that. Hence, where I am now.

I understand and believe I can change my behavioural patterns, it is just time and emotional headspace. Plus a good support team. And it is sad to me that my emotional support team are mental health professionals and not my family.

People keep saying, find something just for yourself,so I will try and start there. Whether it be a place away from home to live or a hobby/pursuit that only I participate in. Something that is just for me. After Christmas maybe. When everything restarts.

It is the first time I have hated Christmas this year. I will have people here for Christmas day, but I just feel so alone every day, amongst them all. Sorry, it is only four people not twenty. But I don’t think alot of us are emotionally happy this year. And apologies for anyone who spends Christmas by themselves. I don’t want to be insensitive. I always have seen the color and joy in Christmas. But this year with grief, Christmas is just too much energy and in my face. Sorry, not sure how I got here…..

But thank you Eagle Ray for your post,

I will google the book and see what people are saying.

ABC01

[Eagle Ray]

Dear ABC001, 

Everything you say makes a lot of sense and it is very understandable how challenging it is with being in that care role plus the anxiety and panic issues that arise when you do extend yourself into activities beyond the home. It’s always relatively easy for others to give advice, but of course you will know best how you feel and where you sense what feels achievable and what feels a bit much. So I think breaking things down into small steps that feel achievable for you sounds like a good way to go, such as finding a hobby or pursuit just for you as you mention. 

I think a care role often ends up falling on one member of the family amongst the children. I have just one sibling and he certainly abdicated himself a long time ago from being in a care role with either of our parents, both of whom had significant health issues. With one with progressively worsening Parkinson’s disease and the other failing to cope with that, and coping even less after a cancer diagnosis, I felt my only option was to try to step in and support them. I’d always been my mother’s carer anyway. But I seriously burnt out, to the point of my mental and physical health being utterly wrecked after they both had passed. So I guess my concern for you is to try to avoid that outcome. In retrospect I should have demanded my sibling take more of a care role. He simply evaded me when I asked politely for some help so I gave up. But looking back I should have been strongly assertive with him and actually allocated tasks to him. There are also carer services that can be accessed. Here in WA there is something called an ACAT assessment which my parents did at least do and this provided a few things, such as a cleaner once a fortnight and occasional transportation. I feel it’s really important you do not feel obligated to carry a major carer role, especially without support from others. Your other parent who is a carer can access external services and I feel should not be depending on you as a primary source of care.

I do understand about Christmas. I know you are not alone in feeling that way. I was always someone who saw the colour and joy in Christmas too but it has indeed become harder in recent years. This year I’m trying to look at ways to make it special for me. I’m not quite sure how but working on that. Perhaps there is a way to really focus on what might make it more enjoyable for you on the day, even if it’s carving out time to watch a favourite movie or choose a favourite food to include. I know it’s challenging and there can be too much pressure on a single day, so another way is to treat as just another day and not put too much pressure on trying to feel festive if you really don’t. I think it’s ok to make it whatever works for you.

Go gently ABC01 and just take things one step at a time, as I know it’s easy to feel overwhelmed with anxiety and panic. One thing I do with my psychologist is work on just one aspect of something with each consultation. I don’t see her on a regular set basis. Rather I set myself a project around a particular issue and then contact her when I want to address it. So my next thing I’m seeing her about is my neurodivergence (I have autistic and adhd traits). I haven’t really successfully worked through these things in other therapy contexts and haven’t really dealt with them with my current therapist. But I can feel it’s what I want to work on next. I’m just wondering if breaking things down into discrete project-sized chunks would help you? So it could even be around something like how to emotionally and physiologically self-regulate on days that you do venture out into the world, especially in that space when you come home and all the emotions and feelings rise up. I’ve learned over time there is always a way of working through something and it is just finding how to do it.

Take care ABC01 and I hope you have a lovely weekend,

ER

[ABC01]

Dear Eagle Ray,

Thank you for your continuing support. Especially as I may go over the same subject more than once. You have such great patience and a talent to word things differently without being too assertive with me and others. A kind and gentle hand is appreciated.

Small steps will have to be the way to go and like you, addressing them with my psychologist who can be productive in facilitating them slowly and with as little disruption as possible. Or teach me different coping skills to deal with any disruption. They do know my style quite well.

I agree about it falling onto one sibling to be the carer. But I can’t change the past, only the present. The carer should be more proactive with services and does use the NDIS to get services.But can often see that as doing their due diligence and stop there. Meaning, they let these services do there roles, but after doesn’t do anything else as their carer. I understand they need a break too. But they are also a very emotionally void person, so I tend to have to deal with that side of stuff more, and no matter what I say to them, they don’t believe they can change that void aspect of themselves,so don’t even try. Which I know is BS. They don’t want to put the work in to change themselves,unfortunately.

My concern is guilt and loyalty,which loyalty is a massive ethical belief/value for me, will be the biggest challenge in derailing the co-dependency. But it is something I can learn slowly too. Oh, so much learning. It is exhausting and I haven’t even started much.

I would invite you to Christmas if I could, but I am on the other-side of Australia. I have already done my animal Christmas donation at Petstock and the Kmart Wishing Tree. Perhaps you could do something like the wishing tree. Where you buy a gift for someone in need,even just a small one. And that could be a way to celebrate Christmas this year. Knowing you have helped someone else. Then spoil yourself. Go into nature. Take a picnic lunch, a bluetooth speaker with Christmas carols on it. Go to the beach for a swim or people watch whilst eating your delicious meal and cold drinks from a cooler. You deserve something nice for your Christmas. Take photos of interest. Not of people of course, but something to evoke a happy memory. Many cultures don’t recognise Christmas,so maybe I will remember that and treat it like another day,as you said.

I will go gently and you please do the same.

Thank you again.

ABC01

[Eagle Ray]

Dear ABC01,

What you say about the carer being an emotionally void person and you filling in that gap sounds very familiar to me. I also was the one filling an emotional gap in care responsibilities. I remember the day my dad was diagnosed with Parkinson's and my mum said to him in a stern voice, "Well you're just going to have to deal with it". No hug, no emotional support, no encouragement. So I was the one stepping up over the years trying to keep dad's spirits up and considering the emotional well being of both my parents (ironic given their profound neglect of my emotional well being as a child). But that is how I am and I couldn't not care. It's important to note my mum did have emotions but she was extremely dissociated from them, so she could not express sensitive things like care and emotional support.

I just share that because it sounds like maybe there are some similarities in the dynamic you are in where you are picking up the emotional slack and being an empath trying to make things more ok for vulnerable others. I do understand what you say about loyalty as it has been an extremely strong value in me as well. But a really important question to ask is are you also being loyal to yourself? When I look at my life history I have not been loyal to myself at all for most of it. I am literally only learning now in my late 40s how to actually have some self-loyalty. This awareness has also brought into sharp view where others have not been loyal to me. As I have begun to value myself, really for the first time, I have also relinquished a lot of patterns with others that were not kind to me, and have also shed some relationships that were really not healthy and not reciprocal.

So I wonder perhaps in relation to any situation in your life if you are also able to ask yourself, am I being loyal to myself in this situation? Self-loyalty does not mean letting go of all loyalty to others, and it certainly doesn't mean stopping caring for others, but it does mean including yourself in the equation and recognising where your needs are remaining unmet.

I wonder too about many of the struggles you have had with anxiety and how much of that is a product of the environment you've grown up in? It's more challenging to shift and change those patterns when you are in the environment in which they formed. That is why I wonder if small steps towards being more separate could be good for you. The thought of housesitting keeps coming to my mind because it won't cost you in rent and once you have a taste of a more separate existence, it may give you the courage to find further ways to live more independently. Another option could be taking yourself on a short holiday somewhere you'd like to go, if you can find accommodation you can afford and you are able. Having space to think and be yourself and let go of responsibilities for a while can be a really good thing to find some perspective.

Thank you re: Christmas. I will look into the Wishing Tree which I hadn't heard of. Good on you for the Petstock and Wishing Tree donations. A swim in the ocean sounds like a really good idea for me. There is a lovely swimming beach here and I always find the ocean healing and restorative.

Take care ABC01,

Eagle Ray

[ABC01]

Dear Eagle Ray,

You are not the first to point out that my environment has and is still impacting my mental health. And I also acknowledge that.

Self-loyalty isn’t something I had ever considered before. It will be something for me to explore from now on.

Our dynamics do sound similar and through your sharing your lived experience, it has given me hope that I can make headway into something more positive and productive.

Thank you,

ABC01

[Eagle Ray]

Hi ABC01,

I had not thought of self-loyalty until very recently either. In fact I could barely see myself at all or factor myself into my decision-making. My world has so centred around caring for others and ensuring everyone else is ok. But it’s quite amazing when you start to be able to see and value yourself and begin to prioritise your own needs and preferences. It’s kind of taking the reins of your own life. New ways of being and opportunities open up. So I wish that for you too ABC01.

All the best,

ER