Fearful I will never get better again

[Fearful]

Hi there

I'm new.  I posted 2 posts here last week but they were removed by BB - my word count was too long.  So I'm starting again   Thanks to the two people who replied to me I appreciate your support but can't remember your names sorry.  One of you said I haven't gained control of my thoughts and I'm wondering if you can clarify how I can do that please? as its a skill I definitely need to learn.

 I'm a 58 yr old female & very frustrated that at my age I still haven't got my crap together!!!!  I've suffered from anxiety & depression all my life but only 15 yrs ago diagnosed & treated with meds and psychology.  18 months ago after a prolonged period of stress and mental struggles, I slipped into severe chronic depression and anxiety and had to give up work.  I had no motivation for anything, didn't want to get out of bed and felt anxious about everything. I couldn't see any point in life. Nothing (even my lovely friends and pets) seemed worth living for. I had no appetite and diarrhoea. It's a very scary way to feel as I'm sure you're all aware. I've felt that way before but it's never lasted more than a few weeks. I find it so scary that it has lasted so long and hence my fear that I'll never get better this time.

I live on my own & have no family but have several good friends. With the support of 2 wonderful friends I survived the last 18 months, and 3 months ago took up part time work which is going ok tho most days I'm forcing myself to go so I'm not actually enjoying it yet.  But I know it's good for me to have the income & social interaction.  

Although I've improved and I now have good days where I feel like my old self (that's such a wonderful feeling!!).  I can't seem to hold onto it no matter how I try and, after a few days I slip back into the deep black hole again.  I'm trying really hard to be well - forcie myself to push through feelings to socialise & achieve things, to eat  & exercise.  Do other self help stuff such as take Tumeric, omega 3's, drink water, monitor thoughts.  I hate my life. It's really getting me down and I'm afraid im never going to get better no matter how hard I try.  My psychiatrist says coming out of it is an up and down process not a smooth path so that helps explain it a bit.  I just hate that gloomy/anxious feeling that is always in the background waiting to smother me. I feel It's my fault  I must be doing something wrong.

Have you been through similar and recovered?  PLEASE tell me how you did it.

[Myfears]

Hi Fearful,

my goodness, you've just described my life apart from having no family.  I have a great family who are trying to help me through this battle.  It's very hard as you say, I am at home right now feeling all the crappy things anxiety and depression throw at you.  I haven't been to work for 6 weeks, lucky my manager is compassionate and understanding.  

 I feel for you because I know exactly what you're going through.  In my case I can't even take Meds due to sensitivity with side effects.  

 You're not doing anything wrong this disorder is aggressive and nasty.

i am like you and don't know how to recover or feel better, I've done everything my Pschycologist has shown me, done breathing, meditation ect.  

 I hope you get some answers and help and we both can get better soon. 

[Neil_1]

Dear Fearful

Welcome to Beyond Blue & thank you for providing your posts.  I can’t recall seeing your posts last week & I’m pretty sure that wasn’t me that said to gain control of your thoughts, etc;  that sounded far too knowledgeable & insightful to be something that I’d write!

I’m 49 & a bit;  actually closing in on 50 & am trying hard each day to keep my crap from getting out of control.   I’ve got all the “regular things” in place in order to help out with this illness:   good doc, good psychiatrist, good psychologist, good meds, (not so good bank account, due to the aforementioned stuff), have friends (who I can call, but rarely do, due to the illness), family is just my bro & his family as I’ve lost all the rest, have my own fam, which are awesome.  I exercise regularly, try & eat healthy, & try to get adequate amounts of sleep;  & also keep well hydrated by drinking loads of water each & every day.  I could go on, but I’m just trying to give you the rundown of what I do to keep “chugging along”.

There is no way in the world that you are doing anything wrong – in fact, you should be giving yourself a pat on the back because of all the good things that you are doing to help & improve yourself.  All that you’ve written is really brilliant & I say mega kudos to you for getting all this happening;   believe me, it DOES take a lot of effort to get these mechanisms into place.

I do believe that the good days you’re having will become gradually more & more;  as your psyche said it’s an up & down process & for you to know this is great.  Cause when the next down time happens, don’t beat yourself up about it … acknowledge that it’s there, you’re feeling low but deep down it WILL pass.

As much as you probably don’t want to, trying to find things that you enjoy doing IS a big thing – & these can range from pretty much anything.  As wide a thing as you can think of & can be anything.

I do hope you can post back again as well.

Neil

[Fearful]

Hi Myfears,

thanks for replying and sharing.  I'm very sorry to hear you're going through the same as me.  I hope you feel better soon.  It's great that you have a supportive family and boss  - that will help a lot.

I'm on quite a lot of meds but they're not really helping.  I go up and down regardless.  So you may not be missing out on anything there.  It also adds another worry to your life. E.g. Am I taking too much,  is it helping or making things worse, what are all these meds doing to my body/liver in the long term?

im feeling very anxious and down again today.   hate waking up each morning to this feeling.  Have got a few jobs done this morning but it gives me no pleasure.  I've no enthusiasm for anything.  Don't know where to go from here.

bye for now

[Fearful]

Dear Neil

thanks for your reply and words of encouragement.  I really appreciate it.  

And thanks for listing all the things you do to keep well. I do much the same, though I often give up trying and neglect myself on really bad days. I also generally don't drink enough water and am currently trying to improve that as it is supposed to help isn't it.  

Yes I agree it does take a huge amount of effort to implement all the self help stuff.  I find it quite exhausting some days.  I know I'm doing my best, and try to pat myself on the back for that, but many days I just feel so down and sometimes also angry that I'm still struggling day after day and getting nowhere despite all the effort.  

I know I shouldn't beat myself up but I do.  It's a bad habit I'm trying to break.  its not helpful is it.  Just makes me feel worse.  But I get so sick of my miserable self and out of that comes self hatred.  Still working on it.....

thanks again

bye for now

[White_Rose]

Dear Fearful

I have just read this post and, as someone else has commented, you could be talking about me. Good days are terrific. I sing and dance, well sort of, get on with my life and believe all will be well for ever. And of of course I come back to earth with an almighty thud.

But I still do enjoy the good stuff and I try to remember what it feels like on the bad days. I tell myself that depression is cycle. As John Denver used to sing, 'Some days are diamonds, some days are stone.'  And that's the way it is in life. Even without depression we have days we never want again.

Also like you I get frustrated. Why can't I stay stable and balanced? Why do I keep trying because it is obviously not working? Why can't someone find a cure for me? You've probably asked the same questions and more.

At one stage I would get so overwhelmed by it all that I could hardly move and that's when despair would kick in. So yes, learning to manage your thoughts is vital and unfortunately usually takes a while to do. This wretched illness is so all pervasive that it seems at times that however many weeds you pull up there will always be another.

Now I have thoroughly depressed you let me say there is a light. We work harder than many people to keep ourselves going. We really have boldly gone where not many others have gone before. Well, less than the whole population anyway. And you know what?  This gives us the ability to help others. Not only those with depression and other mental illnesses, but also the 'normal' folk.

Look how much empathy others have shown you, how much support and love. Not much of it out there in what is called the real world. So if we are able to give love and compassion to others, no matter what their problems, we have indeed travelled a long way.

Is the journey worthwhile? It depends on what you do with the knowledge and skills. It's no good saying I would rather not take this road because we have no choice. So lets make the best of it and tame the Black Dog to do what we want.

I hope you can remember the good days when all is dark and cold. The sun is still shining and with practice you will feel it again.

Mary

[Fearful]

Hi Mary

thanks for taking the time to write to me. I feel exactly like you on the good days, contented and full of optimism and enthusiasm for life.  Unfortunately I only have a few days like that now and then.  The rest are full of anxiety and gloom.  I so wish I could feel like that more often.  I try to hold onto it.  I try to really feel it, smell it, hear it, embrace everything about it.  I also write all about it in a book so I can read it when I feel bad and try to get some of it back or at the very least give myself some hope that more good days will come.  

Its interesting you feel the same ups and downs.  I thought it was just me and was trying to work out what I did differently to bring on the good days and what I do wrong to bring on the bad days.  If you have the same pattern, Maybe there's no way to get any control.  Maybe it's just a chemical see saw that is purely random.  A very exhausting and demoralising see saw!!!  

How long do your ups and downs last?  Have you found your periods of good days are getting longer or more frequent as you learn ways to manage it.

i hear you saying acceptance is very important and my psychologist and friends say the same. But I haven't managed to get there yet.  Sounds like you have though.  Good on you.  I just can't manage to accept something that makes me feel so anxious and despairing.  I'm angry and afraid of it. I want to run from it not sit down with it and accept it.  It's something I need to work hard on I think -  Sounds like you're in a good space now you've managed to accept it as part of you.

thanks again   xxx

[Fearful]

Hi again Mary,

i forgot to say that I feel exactly the same as you on a good day - that is I feel so great that I am completely confident that this time I am finally over it and all will be well forever. Only to come crashing down the next day or a couple of days later.    I find it very interesting that we have the same up and down pattern and that we both think the same thoughts when we're up.. It's weird but at the same time somewhat comforting to learn it is a pattern of the illness and not my fault or my doing.  I'm always wondering what I did or didn't do to make things suddenly better or worse.  Maybe it has nothing to do with what I'm doing?

Also.... I forgot to tell you, No matter how bad my day is I nearly always feel better in the evenings.  Sometimes just a moderate improvement but many times I even feel great - relaxed and happy and have an appetite - and I go to bed feeling extremely positive and certain I'm going to wake up in the morning still feeling great.   Only to wake the next morning feeling anxious and depressed all over again.  And so another day of immense struggle begins....   And then there are the times when I dread an upcoming social engagement certain that I will feel anxious and find it a struggle like I usually do  only to find that when the day arrives I feelI completely fine and sail through it and enjoy it.  t's like a horrible form of torture, having no control and never knowing what's coming next.  I'm curious.... Do you ever have this pattern of feeling better in the evenings too?

cheerio for now

[White_Rose]

Hello Fearful

Thanks for your reply. You make me sound better than I am. I have sort of accepted my life. Not all the time but enough to give me some hope that one day life will be much better.  It's not an easy journey and I don't want to depress you further by saying this. The truth is that I have struggled and fought against acceptance, denied I can get better, blamed everyone except myself for not making me better, screamed it isn't fair and frequently sulked about my lot in life. All very ugly.

I finally realised I had to do the work myself and that was the worst part.  I had support from the psychologist, bless his cotton socks, and from my wonderful GP, both of them telling me they would support me but I had to do the work. At first the enormity of the task scared me silly. Well it still does at times and I go down very quickly. I would love to say I can manage on my own but it's not true. I still need lots of coaching.

What helped me most was a picture of how my brain was working. If you want something to sink your teeth into I suggest you look up neuroplasticity. It's all about how the brain can change its thinking and the way it works. We are the prisoners of our own brains. We have developed default pathways of thinking about most things. So when something goes amiss we head straight for the default path. And since that is often the path that tells us we are stupid, unworthy, unlovable etc. we believe it.

What we have to do is recognise these paths and stop running down them. Imagine if the grass on your lawn was quite high. If you mowed a few paths through it there would be an easy way to walk from the front door to the gate. And if you continue to use these paths they will stay defined and flattened. But what about choosing another path? Especially if the first path is getting boggy and horrid to walk on. Just like our thoughts that are more and more difficult and painful as we return to them constantly.

So you need to learn a different way of thinking and to challenge your previous ideas. Not an easy task and usually needs the help of a psychologist or similar. Just don't let them make it too complicated. Once you learn the trick life becomes easier. By the way, its called Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT).

It took me a while to learn. You need images to keep in front of you. What will happen if you use the same path constantly? You will get muddy, slip over, get hurt.  A new path will be clean and sweet smelling, lovely to walk along.

Mary

[Fearful]

Wow Mary

thanks..... you write so beautifully!

Im aware of the neural pathways theories and, like you, I think they make a lot of sense. I really like your image of a worn out path with slippery mud and potholes.  I've been picturing mine as a pristine straight highway that Is well travelled and very fast.  I've kind of glorified it haven't I, and made it seem strong, fast and invincible..  Thanks to you I'll work on changing that image. 

My psychol once said it's like exercising the wrong muscle over and over and it made me realise I've been going to the anxiety and depression gym all my life and making that muscle stronger and stronger.  My other good muscles are wasting away. Everything's totally out of balance.  I need to change gyms!!!

i also know about CBT and try to challenge my negative and anxious thoughts.  As you say though, it is very very hard work and very exhausting at times.  I also have to watch my tendency to turn it into a self blame game which exacerbates the situation. E.g.  If I hadn't thought that way yesterday I wouldn't be feeling this way today.  It's a fine line between taking responsibility positively and beating myself up.  Like you said, it's Very hard work.  But it im sure it should pay off in the long term.  It's just not happening fast enough for me and I feel so defeated and despondent when I work hard and keep falling back in the same damn hole.

then....there's the times when the black hole comes and stays without any obvious detrimental thought patterns preceding it.  What's happening then? 

i sometimes test myself on a good day by thinking thoughts that would upset or make me anxious on a bad day, and I find the thoughts have no impact.  I don't do it often lest I jinx my good day, but it does make me wonder.... Is there an element of chemical/genetic stuff causing it too?  Or is it like an old habit we just fall into without thinking?  Maybe a bit of everything eh? That's why it's such hard work....

However regardless of the trigger, I know I get very fearful, get  things out of perspective and totally catastrophise things when I'm in that state and I can definitely work on that....

But...... sometimes I just put my toolbox and theories aside and have a good cry.  That's very helpful too (when I can manage to cry). Its like releasing the steam valve on a pressure cooker.

look forward to Talking more Mary.

Chris